Keeping on

Okay, wow, it's week 7, and I haven't posted since before classes started.

School has been... awesome?  fun?  I mean, I'm enjoying classes and have made a couple of casual friends.  I'm at two As and a B right now (they do +/-, but I'm not at the point of figuring that out), and may be raising the B to an A with the most recent midterm (which I think I did well on; find out tomorrow).  Tues/Thurs/Fri, and my weekends, are the best days of the week right now.

That leaves Mondays and Wednesdays, which are work days (I work some on Friday and Saturday, but from home).  Work's actually not bad; getting up at 5:30 to leave at 6, and then generally not getting home until 6:30-7, sucks, but it's doable.  The only real problem is my car.  I think the move kind of pushed it over the edge; it needs thousands of dollars of work now, and frankly - as much as I love this car - I can't justify it.  So, right now, it's hard to start most mornings (once it's running it's fine), which is a little anxiety-inducing.  But since I'm only driving twice a week, I'm hoping to make it until after finals (mid-December) before getting a replacement.

Probably something cheap and used; I can drop about $5k in cash on a down payment, and I don't want anything more than $200 or so a month as a payment, so that puts me at about $14k-16k.  Which isn't unreasonable for a small used car in the area.  I'll probably end up paying it off early as well.  I just don't really need a fancy car if I'm not driving much, and I'd rather keep my expenses lower.

I could also do a lease, like of a civic or something, but I'd have to think about it.  The mileage would probably be a close thing, and a lease is a flat 3-year commitment rather than being able to just pay off a loan if needed.  Down payment would probably be less, of course,and I'm really only looking for something to last me the next three years I'm guaranteed at school (after that, who knows).  Anyway, stuff to consider.

I've got a paper due the week after TK.  I've already started writing it, but I'm having trouble getting my thoughts framed.  I've done the outline, so it's more just a matter of phrasing and such (I don't think in words, so often figuring out how to say what I want to say is the hardest part).  I'll still likely be done, at least in a solid edited first draft, this weekend.

Still enjoying the apartment.  I love being able to walk both to classes and down to the village for meals/studying.  I've taken to hanging out at a local sports bar or Starbucks for homework; I've asked, and both places are fine with it (I'm always ordering stuff too, so it's not like I'm freeloading).  I actually study better in a "noisy" environment, which is my flavor of ADHD at work: I have to have enough "background" activity to keep my peripheral attention satisfied without being massively distracting.  Coffee shops work pretty well.

The fires have made the air quality around here pretty bad.  School actually issued no-outdoor-activity alerts over the weekend.  Things seem a bit better at the moment.

Not sure if I'm going to do anything for New Years.  I kind of feel guilty about spending money on a vacation if I'm buying a car.  I also don't feel like I need to "get away" at this point; being in Westwood is still relatively new and feels like its own little vacation anyway.  Which I suppose is a good sign.

T minus 10 days

Hung out with D (of C&D) Saturday.  He kind of nudged me about getting out and dating, or at least having sex once in a while.  While one could argue that it's none of his business, he's someone I *have* had sex with, so I supposed that gives him a bit of authority in the subject.

I dunno; I'm not exactly jonsing for a relationship, but I also feel like I'd enjoy having one.  That's kind of the state I'm in and has been for a while.  Oh well; we'll see if anything changes with school.

I know I said I wanted to start getting out to WeHo a bit more, but right now, I'm getting home from work after 6:30; once I'd get changed and such, it's usually 7:30 or later, and I don't really want to get back in the car and head out.  I suppose I could take a lyft, but that's now adding another $20-30 to the price of the trip (even including parking).  There's no bus that goes straight there; best I can do is down Sunset and walk down the hill, and that's still a 45-minute trip for the 4 miles.

Again, once school starts, it'll be a bit different.  My last class Tuesday and Thursday ends at 5:45, and on Friday at 1:50.  So, plenty of time to relax or get stuff done before heading out, at least on Fridays.  We'll see if I actually end up doing it.

Right now, the biggest thing I'm thinking about is whether or not to get a 2-in-1 laptop I can use for taking notes in class.  I mean, I've got the work laptop, and they don't care if I use it, but I'd rather have my own especially since work isn't guaranteed long-term.  Additionally, I take notes better by writing than typing, especially with math and physics classes (which these mostly are).  I've had a slate in the past - in fact, I had one of the very first, back before tablets became a thing - and I loved using it for writing.  I just  need to decide how much I want to spend on it.  Most of them are $800-$1500; it's a question of whether or not I'll be happy with the $800 or should splurge for (and can afford) the $1500.

Apartment is getting a bit more in order.  Not much, but a bit.  I started cleaning off the printer stand, since I ordered a new printer (which should arrive Tuesday).  Nothing extravagant, but I do need to occasionally print and scan at home, so, had to get something.  Anyway, I still have boxes of books, but those are almost all that is left.  I need to do some re-arranging in the bathroom and closet a bit, but nothing unreasonable.

Classes start in a week and a half. I've got all my books and will start reading up on stuff this week.  The syllabi aren't up yet, but I can at least get a head start on the subjects.

Gray skies at dawn

One of the oddest things about the new place is the west-facing window.

There's really only the sliding door, of course; it's a studio and looks basically like a hotel room in layout (long and narrow).  But it faces west, into a small "back alley" area with the other building opposite about 20-30 feet away.  There are trees and plants in the gap, so it's not like looking out at another building; it's actually pretty green.  Also, with the slight slope, my line of sight is just below the roof of theirs, so there's plenty of blue sky above as well.

But, for the last seven years, I've had sunlight shining in my eyes (almost) every morning.  Now, not only is it afternoon/evening light I get, the mornings are even generally foggy or cloudy (the marine layer comes in at night).  So, most mornings, even on the weekend when I sleep in until 11 or later, are dark and gray.

That's not a huge issue, and I've got a 6500K lamp as my main light source for just this reason.  But it's still a bit weird to me.

The old apartment is empty, and I've turned in the keys to management.  I'm Officially Moved, though not fully unpacked yet - the kitchen is done, I think, but I've still got boxes everywhere else.  I got my school stuff mostly organized at least.

Mainly, being moved means 1) Sunday was the first day I got to actually be at home in the new place and not driving all over and 2) today will be my first leave-work-and-drive-home day, since I've been stopping at the old place to clean/pack/toss.  Getting to work in the mornings is pretty quick, about 45 minutes; getting home is going to be an hour or so, maybe a bit longer.  I'm hoping to judge traffic just right and leave here about 5:30 to get home around 6:30 if possible.  We'll see.

I may try to hang out with C&D this coming weekend.  I haven't seen them in ages, and I kind of owe it to them.  It'll be a longer drive, obviously, but it also may be the last chance I get to do so with school starting up shortly.

I also need to start thinking about social activities.  Though I should get my place in order before going too far in that direction.

Delta y

I've moved a lot of stuff down to the new apartment already.  I'm making another run tonight, with some of the dishes, the dining room chairs, and some other bulkier stuff (like my M:TG cards, which I still haven't gotten around to selling yet but are now apparently worth $3000-$6000).

This weekend is the big one: a coworker is (supposed to be) helping me move my bed and dining room table, and I'll move my computer chair and the rest of the dishes as well as whatever clothes and such I have left (I've been wrapping the dishes in shirts and such, since that seemed like less of a waste than using newspaper or buying packing material).  After this weekend, I'll be "officially moved" and living down in Westwood, even though I'll still have some clean-up and such to do at the old apartment.  Like, I still have to make an e-waste run to Good Will.

Tomorrow will likely be my last day taking the train into the office (I'm planning on driving on Friday).  That feels a little weird to me.

A whole lot is obviously about to change, and I'm starting to get nervous about it.  It'll work out - beyond that, it'll be great - but change is always disruptive and anxiety-inducing, even when we're looking forward to it.  The things that I'm spending the most time thinking about are dumb things, though.

Like, I've gotten into a routine for the last few months where I hit the same few restaurants on weekends.  There's a place I go for nachos by work, and a couple of burger joints I hit at various points.  I'm obviously not going to be getting those nachos much any more, though there appears to be a location in the same chain to the south of the new place.  And the Village has a lot of restaurants that are great, including more than a few that I've been to in the past.  Beyond that, it wouldn't kill me to eat at home more.

But that's the kind of thing my mind latches on to, generally.  I'm good with the "big stuff"; it's the little details that I stress about.

Like, one thing that has been going back and forth in my mind: I have a regular bedspread, but I also have a hand-knitted blanket my mother made as well as an electric blanket.  I obviously don't use all of them at any point and only use two when it's pretty cold in the dead of winter; generally speaking, the ones not in use are just piled in the corner of my room.  I don't have that much space in the new place, so I need to come up with a different way of storing them.

But storing which?  The electric blanket is harder to take on and off, obviously, because it's got the cables (though I usually just leave those plugged in).  The spread is bulky, and anyway, I think that's the one I'd most like to keep on the bed (as it matches the decor best).  But my mom's blanket is just awesome and, lately, is what I've been using most (as it's been generally too hot for either of the other two).  Again, it's a silly thing to worry about and it'll get figured out, but it's annoying me.

Anyway, I notified one bank and the DMV of my address change; I'm doing the other bank today.  I've already re-registered to vote in the new address, so that's handled.  I need to set up my internet service, which I'll probably start today; the complication with that is getting to a place to pick up the modem, but I'll manage.  Gas and electricity are already on.  And I've already got a couple of my text books for the quarter.

Oh, I also got a scholarship from the state for about $1700 a quarter, which is awesome.  That's just under 40% of  my costs, which means less pulled out of my IRA.  I got *that* part set up as well, so when I'm ready to transfer the funds, it should be easy.  The market's been doing better, and of course pulling out less means less of a long-term impact.

It also means that 1) I may be able to get away with not withdrawing anything else from the IRA after this quarter (if I behave) and 2) I can probably get the notebook PC I really need to have for school (which flies a bit in the face of (1), but is really something I ought to do).  I've found one I like through Costco, so it's not as expensive as it would be otherwise, and with staying at full-time hours in September but already being at the lower rent, I'll have extra funds that I wasn't planning on for the month.

All in all, things are (so far) working out pretty well.  I just need to get through this weekend.

Lay of the land

So, here's a rough plan of what my new place will look like:

The bathroom, closet, and kitchen aren't exact; I didn't measure those out, as there's no furniture going in them.  But the rest is pretty close to the plan, including the colors.  Most of my stuff right now (furniture, sheets, etc.) is blue, grey/silver, or black, hence the colors.  The existing carpet is that typical light-tan used everywhere, so it won't clash.  Even my dishes are a blue/black.

Entryway is on the right in that little hook area there.  It steps into a (probably fake) wood area that is 4 feet wide by about 4.5 feet long.  As you enter, off to the right is the bedroom area.  Right now, I'm only planning my bed (with its headboard), a small leaning shelf, a larger but short media center table, and my rowing machine (the weird pointy thing there; it'll be folded up most of the time, probably, but I wanted to check for spacing).  The large grey shag rug I already have; it's in my dining room at the current place but is too large for the area in this one  The striped runner rugs I've just purchased; they'll essentially line the right side of the place.  I'll have to get some bathroom rugs later, but those are easy (come to think of it, I bought one for the guest bathroom; I can just use that for one at least; I did that bathroom as a kind of sea foam blue/green, so it should mesh with the fixtures in the new bathroom).

You step down two steps to the living room area, which is why the runner here is divided a bit.  Straight ahead is the gas fireplace.  I just bought the big "circles" rug as well, so that'll be getting delivered maybe by the end of the week.  In the living room, I'll put my computer chair near the top; it's hard to describe, but it's a brushed-steel pipe frame "lounge" (no, I didn't pay that much for it) that I've mounted my monitor and such to using movie-set clamps.  The case itself is black and glows blue.  Behind that, along the left wall, is my bookshelf, which I also already have (basically, two of these with shelves between them, so it's one long unit).

The big area will, at some point, probably have a small table and a couch or chairs.  I haven't exactly decided yet.  I've actually got a coffee table that C&D gave me; it's two wooden levels with black supports on the sides.  It's a little worse for wear, but if I can figure out how to disassemble it, paint it, and maybe put a glass top on it (replacing the center wooden panel), it would be suitable.  I have an idea to recess some lighting in it, but I don't even know if I can take it apart easily yet.

Passing the fireplace, there's a little "bar" type divider to the kitchen, then the "dining room" (which leads to the patio).  I was worried that my table wouldn't fit, but it should be fine.  I only have the two chairs, and I don't exactly entertain much.  So, for now, I'll probably have it like shown; if I need to, I can pull it away from the wall for more friendly dining.  I'll want to get a rug for this area and a mat for the kitchen too, but again, those are pretty easy to do.

I've got three big lamps I can bring, one of which matches with the bookshelf pretty well (which is why I have it and where it currently stands).  The other two are those "branch" kinds of lamps with bulbs and shades at the end, one in my bedroom and one in the guest room.  I'll probably just bring one, though I'm not even sure if I'll use it.  I also got a new lamp for my birthday from my mom's friend; that actually fits the style/decor pretty well too.  It can't really be on a switch, though, as the way it turns on is a little weird, so I'll probably try replacing the light over my bed with it.

I didn't draw out the patio.  It's not terribly large.  I'm probably going to look into getting some "fake grass" as an outdoor rug for it, then maybe use some of my planters.  I'd *really* like to get some kind of climbing ivy or something for the railing, especially a flowering variety, but that would mean taking care of it.  There's always fake stuff, but that  fades/gets dusty.  I may see about some kind of screen or something.  I don't want to block airflow through the railing, but I also don't want to scandalize the neighbors across the way if I'm walking around naked in my place, and a bit of a screen or partial covering of the railing would do the trick (they're actually slightly below me, so I don't need much).

I'd also like to get some artwork for the walls.  My current place doesn't have anything in it, but there are a few of my shots I'd like to print out.  I've got a gorgeous panorama of Mt. Shasta that would look great as three (or even five) separate panels - I think I figured out once that at 2 feet high, it would be about 20 feet long.  But I've also got others that would look great in various areas.  I also want to get more plant life in the new place; it'll be more temperate in general, so there'll be less of an issue with extremes, even if I'm leaving the door open for airflow.

I've got the keys and may will start moving stuff down this weekend.  I'm actually tempted to see if I can get the dining table apart and moved myself; I just need to be careful of the glass.  I have to see if it'll fit in my car with the hatch down (just a matter of measuring).  If not, I'll probably stick to boxing up my books and moving them and the shelf down.  That would probably be at least one trip and maybe two, but it would also be the first big chunk out of the apartment.  If the rugs show up, I'll probably move them instead (or at least first) so that I have them in place for later.  Those *will* fit in my car, even the 9x12; heck, the corners for the bookshelf are over 7 feet and rod iron, and those fit without much of an issue if I lean the seat back.  That's how I got it home in the first place, though granted that was just a couple of blocks away.

One concern is the closet.  I don't have all that much stuff to go in there, since I've basically just got the two closets at my place.  But part of what does need to go in there is my camping gear, and that's kind of bulky.  I've also got my emergency water tanks, which aren't tiny (and I have two of them).  I think they'll all fit without problem, but it may take a little bit of shuffling.  Clothes-wise, I've gotten rid of a lot of stuff that I haven't worn in ages.  Most of that hangs anyway (the rest goes in the drawers under my bed).

UPDATE: So, took the small table mostly apart last night.  Turns out the center section I want to remove is held in place by all the sides, and I'm not entirely sure how to remove them.  It looks like a slot joint, with a kind of plug hammered in at one end, but it's really hard to tell.  I may see if I can remove the plug from the one side without doing too much other damage; I can always fill in that area with epoxy or something later (I know there are clays or such for this purpose, and it's a small little spot).  Otherwise, I may just end up repainting it and leaving it at that.

Go West

There are a lot of apartment-for-rent sites out there: a handful of big-name places, a few social media kinds of sites that also offer housing listings, and then a whole crapton of no-name smaller sites which usually just link back to the bigger names.

Places like Aparments.com, Rent.com, Trulia, Zillow, and Craigslist have most of the listings.  Others like radpad or padmapper just aggregate those together.  So, searching multiple sites usually means seeing the same places over and over in different formats.  Then, of course, you have all the major apartment complexes with their own websites and listing information.

I don't even remember how I got to it, but for some reason I ended up on a random, no-clue-who-this-is rental site.  Something like aparment-homes-rental-listing-for-you (not the actual name).  I shrugged and just looked to see what was there, which was about 99% what I'd seen before.

And then one place that I hadn't seen.  You see, after you look at the maps for days on end, you get to recognize the listings just by locations.  "Oh, that's Tiverton Court.  That one's Gayley Manor."  This was off to the side, near everything I recognized but in a spot I hadn't seen before.

I clicked on the ad, and there was a listing for a studio for $1400.  Okay, that's pretty good pricing; usually means a 300-400 sq ft place with no parking, often with only an efficiency kitchen, but it was worth looking at as it was about a half mile from campus.  I went a bit deeper: not only does it have a full kitchen and including parking, but it's 600 sq ft and has a fireplace.

... Seriously?  A fireplace?  And that size for that price?  Okay, what's wrong with it?

To put this in perspective, I have a 1050 sq ft 2b2ba in Pasadena.  Market rate is $2600 for my place, about $2.50 a square foot.  A 2b2ba in Westwood, within a half mile of campus, is usually 3400-3800 for1000 sq feet - about $3.40 or more a square foot.  Studios I've been looking at have been even more, usually $4+ a square foot.  At $1400 for 600 sq feet, this place is cheaper than my current apartment and anything I've seen in the area at all.  So what's the catch?

I started looking for reviews of the building.  There were a lot on the UCLA student sites, mostly stating that the building was okay, the apartments were great, and the manager was hell on wheels.  Reading more, I read various lists of complaints about mistreatment and strict rules and such, with a handful of people saying, "He's really not that bad - he was actually really nice to me and quick to fix things."

The common factor in the good reviews was that they were written by older people or non-students.  The common factor for the bad reviews was that they were almost all written by younger students.  Okay, so the guy may have a problem with young college students; that's understandable, even if it sucks.  But it meant I should keep an open mind on it.

I was still really worried about why it was only advertised on one podunk website with low traffic, but I held that to the side and contacted the leasing office.  Yes, the place was available; yes, the listing information was correct.  So I scheduled a visit the next day.

The manager was actually really nice to me - a bit abrupt, sure, but he's also foreign (the reviews mostly said "Arab"; I think he's actually Slavic of some kind, maybe Russian or eastern European, but I haven't asked).  The apartment was almost exactly as pictured (the layout was half-reversed; everything else was the same).   Sure, the elevator and hallways needed from TLC - a scrubbing, maybe a paint job - but the inside of the apartment was pretty good (the rug has stains, but I'll be covering that mostly anyway).

He walked me down to the garage and talked about his "rules".  They centered around the fact that it was a "quiet building" - "No one rents here to party; if they want that, they can go two block that way" (waving towards Frat Row which was, in fact, two blocks away).  "I have a lot of students, and 99 percent of the time, mom and dad pay the rent.  That's fine.  If they want to have people over to watch football, fine.  Enjoy the game, enjoy your drink, enjoy your pizza, but half an hour later, it's quiet time again."

Most of the rules that people were complaining about made total sense to me.  One was a no-sublease clause: a lot of students sublease their places for quarters when they aren't in class and go back home, but that makes it a lot harder for management to know what's going on in the building.  Similar for parking spaces: yes, it may seem weird to restrict parking, but a lot of students don't drive and then rent out their spaces to other students, which also makes it hard for management to know who is coming and going from the building.  And the "quiet building" restrictions weren't actually any worse than I heard at my current place, which is mostly young professionals.

I told him a little about me, handed over copies of my pay stubs, and he looked a little surprised.  But from that point on, he essentially treated me as if my moving in was a done deal.  I paid the holding deposit (which goes towards the security deposit), got the formal application to fill out, and let him know that I'd be moving in "piecemeal" since I didn't have to be out of my place until 9/15.  "Is okay," he said, "Come by next Friday and pick up your keys.  You can start whenever; the place is empty anyway.  I'll get you a temporary parking spot near the elevator so you can unload more easily."

The final price for the place is actually $1500 a month.  When he was typing up the receipt, I noticed it said $1600.  "I thought it was $1400," I said, and handed him the ad.  He looked at it, said that it shouldn't be correct - "they're losing money" - but then kind of shrugged.  As he started re-typing the receipt, he paused and said, "How about $1500."  I agreed - it's still an amazing deal.  Heck, if he'd insisted on $1600, I would have gone with it.  I did pull up the ad on my computer to show him where it was listed so that he could take the info back to the leasing company.

So, that's that.  I've got a place in Westwood, my own place for less than I was expecting to pay.  I dropped the application off on Saturday, and I'm supposed to call him today or tomorrow and let him know when I'll be coming by on Friday (probably 3:30-4; I'll take a half day off of work, since I need to hit the bank and get a certified check for the remainder of the deposit and first month's rent).  My official move-in is 8/15, but when I visit Friday, I'm supposed to get the keys and remote for the garage.  I'll also take my tape measure to figure out the exact dimensions of the place (I have a rough idea, but I want to start planning furniture and rugs and such).  I'll also take some photos, for documentation of the condition as well as my own interests.

7 weeks and counting until school starts.  I'm actually doing this.

Oh-plus-one for five

I swear to LEGO, I'm starting to understand why people buy property.

So, I contacted a couple of different major apartment complexes last week asking if I could do tours or such of the units.  All of them are only open business ours (9-6 M-F); that, from the start, is a problem - hello, you want renters who can pay the bills but won't be open when people with day jobs can stop by? - but whatever.  I took Friday afternoon off and figured I'd wander around the village a bit checking places out.

I had 5 places I wanted to visit.  I had ads from them on various sites and, in a couple of cases, had spoken to *someone* over the phone about the property.  One place I wanted to stop by was the apartment that I still think would be awesome but the property manage hasn't responded to any emails or voicemail in two weeks; I stopped by just to see if there was an office or something, but nada.

The other four had listed open hours, and I even had an actual tour time at one.  Stopped by there first; I was really hoping for it to work out, because it sounded awesome.  First issue: floor plan is different than what was online.  Second: no kitchen ("they're all bachelors; doesn't it say that?" no, it doesn't; it actually mentions kitchens).  Third: parking was completely different than mentioned. I just thanked them for their time, turned around, and walked out.

The next three weren't any better:

• Building was being (loudly) worked on, but I got hold of the central office back east somewhere.  Mentioned was was on the ad.  "Er, no, I don't think we have any units for that price." Me:"It says here available 9/5 for both." "Yes, that's right, but they're <$200 more than listed> there, maybe there's a move-in special."  On-site manager called me later, nope, advert is wrong "and I'm trying to find out who placed it; we don't handle the marketing."
• Nice building on a quiet side street.  Call the number for a viewing.  "We don't have any studios available right now; I've actually got a wait list until November or so; you'd be number 7 on the list."  Me:"The ad says available now.  Specifically.  Even lists a couple of apartments."  "Sorry.  Nothing's available."
• Next place, similar.  "No, that price isn't right.  I'm not sure who handles the ad, but it's incorrect.""

At this point, after having wandered around Westwood in heat and humidity and being really frustrated, I just flopped into the passenger seat of my car, chugged water, and tried to make something useful happen.  One guy was advertising a room in his place, and it looked reasonable.  I'd written off the roommate thing after the last several incidents on that side, but he was 28 and gay and reportedly looking for something more stable.  I texted him, hung out for a while (dinner and starbucks) until he was available, then saw the place.  It's actually pretty nice, and if it works out, it'd be close to ideal.  He's going to decide this week (I was one of several people asking about it), but I think he and I hit it off okay.

So, one maybe and a bunch of nos (and still nothing from the one I really want to hear about).

I found a couple more potential roommate situations I emailed about today.  One is one that I messaged last month, but I assumed that was because he was looking for someone quickly.  I guess he hasn't found anyone yet, but we'll see if he gets back to me on it.  Another is a huge (absolutely massive; 21' by 16', almost an apartment by itself) master room in a 3b3ba place even closer to campus, but that involves an international student, so I'm going to play it carefully in case it ends up being a scam.  It's from FB, and I don't think it's a scam, but I'm still going slowly.

Also got an offer from a coworker to help me move (he's got a big pickup).  Since I don't have all that much stuff that won't fit in my car (and will hopefully be moving in stages rather than all at once,), that would save me having to rent a van.  I'll probably pay him for gas and crap, but he owes me favors anyway (he arguably has this job because of me).

I know that I'll likely get into a building somewhere and be put for three years or more, and that's good.  Because if I had to do this again in a year, I'd strangle someone.  I hope the roommate thing I saw on Friday works out (other than being a 30-minute walk to campus - yes, there's a bus, but I was hoping to walk - it's pretty much perfect), but I told him that I have to keep looking just in case, which he said he completely understood.

What's age... it's just a number, right? Yeah...

(Title from "Beautiful Thing")

Unfortunately, it seems a lot of student don't agree.  I've had several responses from potential flatmates stating various (polite) versions of, "Sorry, you're too old."

Now, I do understand where some of this is coming from.  I'm twice the age of some undergrads; there's not only a potential "creepy old guy" aspect, but it's simply the case that my approach to life is going to be different.  If they're looking for party types or whatnot, then chances are, I'm not it.

But while I understand that, I don't agree with it.  I'm *not* like most 40-year-olds.  I'm not going to be anyone's dad or act like a parent in the house.  I've got my LEGOs and my computer and will probably be busy enough with my own crap that I won't have time to try and babysit anyone else.  I also don't look my age and certainly don't act parental anyway.

And that's not to mention how flatly illegal age discrimination in housing is, but frankly I'm not going there.

Anyway, it's been pretty frustrating.  I'm now focusing more on getting my own place in the village; I've found a management company that runs multiple properties in the area, including several studios that I can afford and are two blocks or less from campus (with parking).  I wrote the realtor this morning, so we'll see if I get a response back (if not, I'll probably call tomorrow afternoon).

But the whole ageism thing aggravates something I ran into at orientation on Monday (oh, yes, I'm officially a Bruin now).  While the group I was running around with were all engineers and were pretty nice, I felt definite walls from a couple of them that didn't seem to get thrown up against anyone else (there were 7 guys, 3 of us aerospace, one mechanical, and three electrical).

At PCC, I was the oldest guy in most of my classes (including the professors in a couple).  It wasn't really an issue.  Other than some friendly teasing with students and banter with the profs (usually about "the old days"), no one cared.  I actually made several friends who I hung out with at various points.

Even if it's just limited to socializing, I'm going to be annoyed if I get put into a box by my fellow students.  Oh, sure, I expect that I'll make "friends" in the sense of having people who want to work with me on projects and such (assuming I'm actually competent and doing well), but that's different from catching a movie or just goofing off on a weekend.  I frankly don't expect to want to socialize in most of the ways the students will, since I'm not a party guy anyway, but I was hoping to at least not be totally cut off from the social scene.

That hope is somewhat diminished at the moment.

Anyway, orientation was fairly fun, though less informative for me than probably for most people.  The school threw a couple of curve balls at me regarding my course credits: one good, in that I totally wasn't expecting to get credit for my Diff Eq class and they gave it to me.  The other two are classes I'm petitioning to count; one almost certainly will and may have just been left out because it's mostly redundant.  The other is more of a long shot, but it's worth trying.

However, the two schedules I'd gone in with were based around either taking the DE class I thought I'd need or taking an upper div class that had one of the others as a pre-req, so I had to improvise.  I'm still taking two engineering classes, but I'll also be taking one of my GE requirements (ancient civs).  I'm looking forward to it, but the schedule ended up being 8 am to 6 pm Tuesday and Thursday, with a long gap in the middle of the day.  So, no sleeping in for me.

But it does mean I'm officially able to do the two-days-at-the-office thing, so that's good.  I also had some conversations with both student and academic advisors, and they both assured me that the engineering school was *very* accommodating when it came to needing to make class schedules around work schedules.  They even said I'd almost certainly be granted entry into closed or wait-listed classes if needed (as long as it was reasonable).  So, that's pretty cool.

My mom also decided that the best way for her and my step-dad to give me money was for us to open a joint checking account; since I needed a new one anyway to extract money from my IRAs, we opened it Tuesday.  She's scheduled transfers to it 4 times a year at the start of the months when tuition will be due.  That's one less thing to worry about.

If I can just get housing sorted out, I'll be all set for the fall.

I am here and it is now

So, 11 days off ended today.  Boy howdy that was needed.  I mean, I didn't actually "do" much or go anywhere all that exciting, but there's something about taking more than a long weekend that just flips a switch in my head and says, "Yes, you actually can relax this time."

The first day off was Thursday the 28th, my birthday.  I slept in a bit but not too late - out of the house by 11 so I could head down to Westwood.  I called one person I was looking to rent a room from, met her, and then wandered around campus and the village a bit looking at other things.

There was one point, walking down the main drag past the engineering buildings and into the medical school area, where I actually stopped and thought, "This is my place now.  How cool is that?!"

I then headed down to the Abbey for a late lunch/early dinner.  I got to bump into a couple of guys that I've known for years but hadn't seen since last year.  There was a part of Aussie lesbians sitting next to me, one who had the same birthday (I didn't mention mine), who were having a grand ole time and periodically pulling me into it (with no regrets).

When I left, it was about 5, and I was suddenly struck by the need to visit the ocean.  Knowing exactly how absurd it was to drive down to PCH during rush hour (it's one of the most congested roads), I did it anyway.  I made it all the way to Ginger Will Rogers State Beach and then pulled into the lot.  I always have a bathing suit, flops, and a towel in the car for when I go visit C&D in Fontana, so I took off my shoes, put on the sandals, and wandered out to the shore.  I actually got my feet (and, eventually, knees - waves were a bit erratic) wet in the Pacific for the first time in over two years.  Eventually, I just hung out a while, watching the sun set and listening to the waves.

I don't think I can describe what the smell of sea salt or the sound of ocean waves does to me.  All I ask is a tall ship...

Friday, I just stayed home.  I spent a portion of the day cleaning stuff in the apartment, mostly going through old clothes to toss or donate (some of which I'd started going through in the process of moving it... yes, seven years ago).  Saturday I totally goofed off, and Sunday I drove out to Palm Springs.

I was expecting it to be busy; it was.  I was expecting some of the people I ran into last year to be there again; they were.  I was also expecting it to be boisterous; it actually wasn't.  Everyone was pretty chill and low-key for three days; it got a little busier Tuesday afternoon and then Wednesday before I left.  I guess the more active crowd was coming in after the holiday rather than before it.

But I got a tan (no burns), more blonde, and pretty relaxed.  I used my tablet a fair bit for housing-hunting and such, but I didn't actually use the laptop at all during my stay there.  I've also got fingernails for the first time in my life, a fact I first noticed before my vacation and which now means I need to determine how short I want to trim them.  Historically, this hasn't even been a question due to biting my nails.  I'm actually pretty curious as to what has led to the cessation of that habit; there's all sorts of speculation.

In PS, the weather wasn't at all bad - 108 as the high, about 78 at night, with very low humidity.  That's almost perfect for pool weather (a little too intense at mid-day, but otherwise pretty decent).  When I got back, the heat wave hit, and it actually reached 114 in Pasadena on Friday and was still 106 on Saturday.  Both days, the AC couldn't quite keep up with the heat (I live on the top floor and have a south-facing wall).  Mostly, I just stayed inside.

Oh, one thing I did was drop the car off at the shop again as requested last week (they couldn't tell where the leak was coming from last time, and my impression was that they were just really busy and didn't have time to deal with it on short notice).  This time, they decided the oil pan had somehow gotten pushed in, likely by a valet or someone (not me; I know better) driving it onto one of those parking dividers.  So, that's being fixed now, along with where the filter attaches, so hopefully that's the main issue.  More expensive that I would have liked, but them's the breaks.  Or at least the oil pan.

Still haven't found "the place" yet, still sending out feelers, and still remarkably not at all stressed about that.  I do have my new student orientation next Monday (all day), and I'm really looking forward to it - it'll mean not only registering for classes (I've got two potential schedules that will work with my work schedule and still have seats open) but also getting my student ID.  The combination means being, in however more official a way, an actual Bruin and UCLA student.

I signed up for a few dating apps, since I'm going to want to start back into that once I move.  I figured I'll just see how things go for now.  But I get to list myself as an engineering student under "occupation", which is totally awesome.

(Grindr has a crappy interface.  Jack'd is a little better.)

(And what's with all the guys my age - or, really, late 30s to late 50s - deciding that they have to grow facial hair?  Plenty of guys have older pics without, then newer pics with beards or even mustaches.  I *hate* facial hair - I'm not saying someone needs to be hairless all over, but for whatever reason, facial hair is just an immediate turn-off for me.  It's not even a daddy thing; my dad looked great without it and crappy with it, so he's subject to the same effect.  Oh well.)

Anyway, this is a photo I took to update FB (since my profile shot was from just after moving in to the apartment).

A friend mentioned he liked the other pic, but said this was decent.

Me: Well, the other is almost 7 years old, so it was about time for something new.
Him: ... dammit, don't you ever age??

Since I cleaned things up a bit, I also started back up on the rowing machine.  First time nearly killed me - also happened to be Friday, when it was hottest - but I've been okay since then.  I need to work back up to a decent routine on it, now that I'm not putting in 20 hours a week on top of work.  I'll never be a 9 in anyone's book (I have no interest in putting that much effort into exercising), but if I can get to an 8 or 8.5, I'll be happy with myself.

Oh, and I'm cooking again.  Made blackened shrimp last night, with rice and veggies.  Probably do a stir fry tonight.  Kikkoman makes an awesome brown sauce that works really well, and I still have dried hot peppers I can toss in for spice.

Anyway, I should get back to getting back.  Far less was waiting for me at work when I returned this time, but I think that was mostly due to better planning before I left.  But "less" isn't the same as "nothing".  Sure, I could put some of it off until later in the week (and will, in some cases specifically because people need to learn not to expect things instantly from me), but there's no time like the present.

I am here, and it is now; everything else is negotiable.

Plannning Ahead

Apparently, I'm insane.  Who knew?

I'm in the process of looking for a place to live in Westwood.  This is turning out to be difficult - but not for reasons that one would at first assume.

I mean, Westwood is expensive.  There's no denying it.  But I'm actually being pretty reasonable in my expectations: $1000-$1400 a month for a private room in a shared apartment, or $1300-$1600 for an efficiency or small studio by myself.  These are actually pretty realistic, and there are a fair amount of listings proving such.

The problem is that everyone wants someone now, not mid-August (or later).  I can totally appreciate that: people leaving school want to get on with their lives, so they need out in June, and thus their replacements need to be in for July.  But, seriously, is it all that insane to be planning something as major as a move 2 months in advance?  I've seen only a handful of listings with a move-in of 9/1 or later, and they're all management companies for larger buildings (and thus at the higher end of my window for smaller places or with issues; they *could* work, but they're things I'm not enthusiastic about).  I mentioned this to one advertiser, and they came back like I'd sprouted a horn and was farting rainbows.

Really, if the place is cheap enough (say, ~$1000 a month), I could afford to overlap it with my current apartment for a couple of months without much of an issue.  I mean, I'm not saying it would be fun, financially, but it would be doable in a pinch.  But it looks like I'm going to have to give notice on my current place without having something lined up for the new one (I have to give 60-days' notice).

Oh well.

I've started cleaning my place up/out.  I did about 7 loads of laundry on Saturday and ended up putting aside about four bags of clothes to toss (old/torn/useless) or donate (decent shape, just not stuff I wear anymore).  Doing so, I realized I actually need more good black or gray socks, as while my dark-sock-drawer had a lot of stuff in it, most of it was stretched out completely or had holes.  I'm going to try to tackle the rest of my closet this week, as well as start in on the south wall of my bedroom (which is probably the worst area in the apartment at the moment).

But I'm also going on vacation this week, starting Thursday - which is my birthday.  I figure I'll spend the day wandering around Westwood looking for apartments and such or even exploring campus a bit, then head down to West Hollywood for the first time in ages just to hang out for a while.  Of course, all that's dependent on getting my car back; it's in the shop right now, as it seems to be leaking oil again (I don't drive much, but the oil pressure light started flickering when I was idling on Saturday).  They haven't called me to tell me what's up, so that's either good news (and it was just an oil change and a leaky valve or something) or they haven't looked at it at all.

Sunday, I drive out to Palm Springs for three days, then I'm back on the 4th and still off of work until the following Monday.  So, more apartment hunting and cleaning, though I'll probably also take a day or two and just goof off.  We all need down time, even us crazy folks.

On the plus side, just sent my final transcript off to UCLA.  I'm officially leaving my school with a 4.0.

Planning to plan

So, today is the last day of regular classes at my community college.  I've already got two confirmed A's; I need a 50% or so on the final for the third to get an A (I have a B if I get zero on the final).  But really, it means that I'm done with late night classes - possibly forever, but at least for a few years.

It'll be novel to be able to actually cook and have a somewhat normal life for a change, for however short a period that is.

I need to kick the apartment hunt into high gear.  I have to give notice at the end of the month: they require 60 days, so if I want to be out in early September, I have to tell them at the end of June or early July.  I'm debating making the official day the middle of September, with a planned actual move-in early in September.  That would give me a week or two to juggle between places and move stuff as well as clean the apartment once I'm out.  Not that I'm too worried about the latter: I've been there for over 7 years and I know for a fact they're going to replace almost everything (carpet, appliances, etc.) since they've done that for every other apartment in the building while I've been here.

But arranging the new place has a different purpose, too: right now, I can't get excited about UCLA, because I still have the anxiety of finding a place.  Once that's taken care of, I'll be mentally ready to start really thinking about the rest of the process.

So, that's the main focus right now: getting through the last week of school and getting the whole moving thing locked down.

On with the show

So, Caltech is a no.  As I told a friend, you can't be too angry at not winning the lottery.

But that means I'm narrowing down - and mostly focusing on UCLA.  UCI's financial aid portal changed from planning to release their financial aid info from "mid-May" to "shortly", so maybe it'll be out this week.  I have no idea if any of the Reagents scholarships have been awarded yet, so I don't know if that would be included; I know UCLA won't announce their transfer Reagents winners until and of this week or next week (they do it after the first week of May).

I've already started getting the paperwork needed for things like disability accommodation and such.  I'm also applying for some UCLA-specific scholarships that I didn't have access to until recently; those are due by the 15th, but that shouldn't be an issue.

As much as I feel like I should be bummed about Caltech, I'm actually more excited, since it means I'm that much closer to *actually registering* and making it a real thing.

At work, it sounds like we're planning on making my hours 28/week starting in September.  We still have to discuss a few things, and there's at least one complication.  My boss works remotely most of the time (she's on campus two days a week); one of my coworkers comes in about 9-9:30, leaves at 4, and works from home or is out sick a lot.  Between the two, there's a bit of resentment in some areas of the department.  It's part of why I don't work from home more, even though I'm allowed: I've felt and even heard directly off-hand comments about why some of us get special privileges.

Now, my job is such that almost all of it can be done remotely (my coworker not so much).  My boss is in a similar situation.  But most of the department are involved in direct patient care and therefore have to be here; there's no way they could work from home.  So, they resent it a bit, albeit irrationally.

Now, it's not going to be a huge issue - all three of my bosses are the ones who originally suggested this plan, and I know they're on-board with it.  It's just a matter of finding a way to present it so as to reduce friction.

Anyway, that's all for the future.  I've got a quiz in a couple of hours and a test a couple hours after that, so I should go start getting ready.  I need to make sure I'm prepped to be a Bruin (or an Anteater).

2 of 2, 2 remaining

Got accepted to UCLA last night.  No scholarships or grants in the financial package (just loans), but since I don't qualify for any needs-based stuff, that's not surprising.  I don't think any of the merit-based stuff has been announced, and there are others I can apply to after I register for a school.

Still haven't heard from UCSD (which is really freaking people out) or Caltech (which probably means "no", but I'll email them Monday and find out).  Nor have I gotten my financial package info from UCI yet, but that shouldn't come until May.

If Caltech is a no and none of the UCs give me any (or more than trivial) financial incentive, then I'll probably end up at UCLA.  Which is still totally awesome, since I've always wanted to live in Westwood anyway.  I mean, I would still prefer Caltech, and if UCI or UCSD wants to give me a full ride, it'll be hard to turn down.  But none of those are necessarily likely, and that's okay.

I really need to start taking down the apartment.  A coworker is going to take all my planters and such, since I'll almost certainly have no room or time for them at school.  I really need to just take each weekend and tackle one project or area in the apartment.  It's really mostly going to be a matter of tossing out junk or giving it away; I don't have all that much stuff, but things like old homework or clothes that I've been meaning to toss/donate that have just been piles for ages.

Not sure what I'll do with my dining table and chairs; they won't really compress for storage.  Of my other big furniture, I need to get rid of at least one bed (and maybe both), and the small table that C and D gave me when *they* moved (but that can probably just be tossed).  The remaining stuff would be my big bookshelf, the smaller shelf in my room, my computer/chair, a couple of night stands, and the printer table.  Oh, and my rowing machine and weight bench, but both of those can fold up and go in a closet or under the bed.

I've also got my camping stuff, which is new since I moved, but that's all pretty well organized.  Everything else could be boxed up.  And that's everything in my 2-bed 2-bad apartment.  It won't take long to make a huge impact, but I need to get started on it.

On a completely different note, I bought some awesome underwear.  All my life, I've just done white or black undies, usually briefs or boxer-briefs, but in a weird mood, I bought a multi-color pack from an Asian company online.  They're fantastic: can't feel the seems, fit right (even if they are weird sizes vs what we're used to), and for some reason the colors have just struck my fancy.

This is my favorite pair at the moment.  I have a shirt the exact same color that I love too, so that's probably part of it.  But they're just fun to wear.

(Yes, I'm hairy, and yes, I need to lose about 10-15 lbs.  Too bad.)

Guess if I'm going to UCLA, I'll just need to get a gold pair to go with them...

Not ready to be found

I'm suddenly gripped by the need to ask my friends, "Do you worry about me?"

The fact that I have to ask the question means I know the answer.

I feel like people are walking on eggshells around me, and like they've been doing so for a while but I've just failed to notice.  Like everyone's just waiting for me to fall apart, ready to jump in and help put the pieces back together.  It's entirely possible that's just my own anxieties reflecting back at me, but there are little things that make me think it's real.

The way certain friends ask questions and then make eye contact when they think I'm not looking.  The way some of my closer coworkers asked around questions rather than asking directly.  It's like everyone's worried that the wrong question or the wrong phrasing might be the last straw.

The problem is, I'm not sure they're wrong.

For the last couple of years, I've been putting everything into school and work.  That's not unreasonable, necessarily: working full time and taking 12-14 units a semester is a *lot* of work, far more than I think most people realize.  There have been semesters when I could count the hours of a week not actively spent on school, work, or sleeping on two hands with fingers left over.  Enrolling "full-time" and cutting back to part-time work is actually likely to make me less busy.

And, really, June through September are likely to be a nightmare.  Moving alone, especially since I have no idea how housing is going to work yet, is going to be a lot to deal with.  And March wasn't necessarily fun by any means; I ended up finally going to get a massage yesterday because my back was so tense I couldn't sleep Saturday night.

But looming ahead of all of this, like an iceberg in the fog, is the fact of school itself.  I'm not worried about the course load (well, on the 0.1% chance I get into Caltech, I will be, but anywhere else, I know I can handle it).  No, what I'm worried about is the social life.

I mean, let's face it: I'm gong to be 41 in an environment where 90% of the population is under 30 (and 75% under 25).  Even when I was in my 20s, I didn't really socialize well with twenties-types.  I don't drink, I don't "party", I don't do parties well... I know I've got personality quirks that make me weird for people to get used to.  And on top of all that, I'm gay, which - while almost certainly more acceptable now than 20 years ago - still adds complexity to what is already a complex situation.

And the thing is this: what I think most people worry about, what I've specifically avoided dealing with for years, is my lack of social life.  I've dated a little.  I've had sex a little.  I can be pleasant and friendly at resorts and such.  But I don't have much of a social life.

When I was hanging out with L every weekend, I had the excuse that those nights were my socializing.  I didn't do much, mind: mostly I was just there as chauffeur and ATM.  But it was at least the illusion of going out regularly and talking with people.  When we stopped hanging out, I could make the excuse that it was my school and work load preventing me from going out, and while that was mostly true, I could have made time if I wanted to.

I'm about to be thrown into a situation where socializing isn't going to be an option, and I feel totally unprepared for it.  Don't get me wrong: I would love to meet people, make friends, maybe even date more (no, not the 18-year-olds; I think I've only dated two people in my life who were under 21, and I was 16 for one of them).  Part of what is terrifying is the idea of spending 2 years at school and *not* doing any of these things.  But it's a completely foreign environment to me, and I'm going in with a bunch of "strikes" against me.

Going back to school meant accepting that I was going to be out of control for a lot of things.  I knew that when I started.  It's not going to keep me from doing it.  But that also means I feel totally unprepared for this, no matter what the reality is.  I'm not even kidding myself that I've got my shit together this time: I know I don't.  But that doesn't mean I feel less like a lost boy, not ready to be found.

Waiting to exhale

"It's like you were holding your breath... It's your turn to exhale now."  -- Love, Simon

On Saturday, I told my parents that I've been accepted to UCI and that I've been going to school for three years.  The response was oddly muted, more shrugged off than anything.  My mom did say that I was "following in [her] footsteps", since she got her CPA at 37 or something; it kind of annoyed me, but that's just her way of making it (in at least some small way) about her, which is expected.

They also, later that evening, offered to help pay for university.  I am extremely conflicted about this: I've been telling them for years that I wanted them to spend more money on themselves and not worry about any of us kids or inheritance or anything.  Now that they've decided not to take any more major trips, I haven't been sure what they want to do with their money or time - but apparently this is something they want to do.  On the flipside, I'd be an idiot to turn down free money, and I know they can actually afford it (my parents are, technically, millionaires if the price of the house and all their assets are included; that's the result of a lot of luck and a whole lot of hard work).

I'm really hoping I get a full-ride offer from one of the privates and thus can legitimately tell my parents I don't need the money.

This whole experience was, oddly, like coming out a second time to them.  I even joked about it when I was there.  In some ways, though, this was harder: most of my self-image problems and anxiety are explicitly tied to school and crap that they were at least partially responsible for, whereas being gay wasn't ever really something bad to me (I basically came out as soon as I realized).

I keep thinking about that quote.  I think I'm still holding my breath a bit and will continue to do so until I actually formally make a decision on school.  Of course, then I'm likely to be massively busy with moving and organizing and such, but I feel like it'll still be the moment of relief that I've needed for at least the last couple of years, if not several decades.

The other quote - that I deserve to be happy - is probably going to have to wait a while.  One self-image crisis at a time, please.

EDIT:
And I just heard from Harvey Mudd that they're closing their transfer applications entirely without accepting anyone due to higher than expected traditional enrollment.  They're also refunding all fees collected, which is rather cool of them.  I mean, I'd rather get an acceptance letter than a check, but at least I know it wasn't an actual rejection.

So, the tally is updated to 1 for 1 of 4, with 1 disqualified.

1 for 1, of 5

I got accepted to UCI.  First school to reply, and as close to a "safety school" as I have.  But I got accepted.

Whatever happens from now on, I'm going to a university in the fall.

I needed that.

Gay movies are often problematic in social awareness terms.  It's not unexpected, really, and isn't to say that they're worse than more mainstream movies.  The issue is usually that, in addressing one axis of oppression, other axes are often forgotten or ignored.  For example, it's not unusual to have a gay movie or a black movie, but to have a gay black movie (like "Moonlight") is very unusual, at least for the moment.

Gay movies also tend to fall into three tropes: coming-out movies, almost-porn, or "unrequited/unfulfilled/broken romance" stories.  I think, in practical terms, this is because most gay movies are *gay* movies rather than gay *movies* - the emphasis, from the origination, is on the sexuality of the characters, and thus the story must be focused on that sexuality.  This reduces the number of options to some basic patterns.

That isn't to say that gay movies can't be fantastic or are all crappy; there are plenty of crappy ones out there, believe me.  I would just like to see a few more options out there.

All that being said, I saw "Love, Simon" on Thursday night.  It was an early showing, and the theater was only about a third full.  There were far more teenage girls that I was expecting (I'm not sure why; that's long been an audience for romance stories in general), a fair number of adult men (40s and older by appearance, mostly gay from what I could tell) and adult women (about the same age, not necessarily seated with the older men), and - thankfully - a dozen or so guys in their teens or early twenties.  I say "thankfully" because, to me, they're the ones who really needed to be there.

Surprisingly, I did too, though I didn't realize that until the end.  It's a cute story, with plenty of humor and awkward moments and actually a few times when the cliched thing *wasn't* done that got laughs.  It's a coming-out story in its basic form, so the arc is largely predictable, but it's still a fun journey to get to the end.

And the ending... Well, that's what I needed.  Not actually anything on-screen, mind you, though it was nice to see an interracial, interfaith, on-screen gay kiss between a couple of teenage guys in a movie playing outside of art houses.  No, what I needed was the reaction.  It took me a second to realize it.

I was sitting in the second row of risers; in front of me was an older gay couple.  One of them took out his phone and actually snapped a photo of the kiss - and I realized as he did so that it was because this was the first time something like this was happening.  But then I cued into something else: the cheering.  And clapping.  The girls behind me were going crazy, but it sounded like most of the theater were cheering.

And I can't even type that out without getting teary-eyed.  I actually started crying in the theater, not because of the love story on screen but because of the cheering.

I was the only openly-gay kid in my high school in 1992-1995.  Yeah, I had a boyfriend - who went to Stanford - for a couple of years, and I certainly had gay friends outside of school (almost all older).  But at school, and at home, and in my "regular" life, I was the only gay person I knew.

That kind of isolation takes its toll.  It's unfortunately all too common.  But I remember how excited I was when, in 1994, a movie called "The Sum of Us" came out, and it had a gay plot. I talked a friend of mine into going to see it with me - and we actually ended up going to see it just about every weekend for 6 months or so, on increasingly smaller screens as time went on.  A couple years later, "Beautiful Thing" was released, but it never made it out of art houses.

But sitting in that chair Thursday night, part of me remembered being 14 and alone and feeling like I was a total outsider.  And yet, here were people not only watching high school boys kiss but actually celebrating the fact.  I can't really express what that means to 14-year-old-me, or what I hope it does for the modern versions of 14-year-old-me: guys just coming out or just realizing their attractions and feeling like they're alone in the world.

After I left the theater, I stood outside and discreetly watched some of the other viewers come out.  When I saw the younger guys come out, they all looked like they were bottled lightning: like they wanted to scream or run around and shout or explode into a million pieces but couldn't actually figure out which to do and so did nothing.  There were a smiles and the look that meant more than words could say.  There was even one case of holding hands.

I would love for there to be more "normal" gay movies - action or scifi or mystery or romance or whatever where the lead(s) just happen to be gay, where being gay isn't pivotal to the plot.  We need more of those.  But I have to admit that, for better or worse, we still need coming out movies like this.  And I hope that, all across the nation, young gay or bi guys can go into a theater, watch "Love, Simon", and hear the audience cheer at the end.

Because the cheer isn't just for Simon and his beau; it's for all of us who have been there.  And we really need to hear it.

Frustration

Caltech hasn't gotten my high school transcripts.  The high school has sent it twice, months ago, through the mail; they also sent it to Harvey Mudd College (HMC) at the same time, and Harvey Mudd got it.  So, I'm not sure why Caltech hasn't.  Caltech and my high school can't legally talk to one another until I'm a student at Caltech, so I have to play middle-man.  Since mail hasn't worked, I'm driving out to my old school, picking up a sealed copy, and driving it down to the admissions office.  Of course, since both are only open during business hours, I have to take time off of work to do this.  I'm at the office right now for a meeting in a few minutes and leaving after the meeting.

On the other hand, HMC reports that they haven't gotten my current college transcripts.  Those were sent to HMC and Caltech at the same time, and Caltech apparently has it, but HMC doesn't.  What's more, the college ones were sent to HMC electronically via some secure system that everyone supposedly uses, so I have no idea why HMC wouldn't have gotten them.  I emailed the HMC admission office a couple of days ago, but I haven't gotten a response.  I'll wait until Monday before calling.

And the prof with my last recommendation for HMC said on 2/28 he'd try the online submission one more time before emailing the rec to HMC directly (which they suggested).  As far as I can tell, he hasn't done either at this point, and he also hasn't responded to a email I sent a couple of days ago thanking him and asking him to let me know when he does send it so I can follow up with the school.

On top of all of this, I've actually got homework this weekend I have to do *and* I need to study for my Caltech physics test, which is Tuesday.

And I'm flat-out exhausted, mentally and physically.  After dropping the transcript off, I'm probably going to go home and go to bed.  I should study or do homework, but I can't do either well if I can't focus.

Knock on wood

To quote myself a few weeks ago:

My estimates were all based on having $340k-$350k in my accounts by my birthday, and I'll still be in that window even if the market slows down significantly (I'm currently getting 15-20% returns and budgeting for 9%).

Of course, the world has to throw a curve ball.  The recent stock market "corrections" over the last couple of weeks have, of course, knocked off something like 10% of the value it had.  I haven't taken quite that much of a hit, but I'm now down $15k in my accounts than I was about a month ago, about a 5% loss.  Now, that's not huge, but it throws off the numbers I was looking at.  It also isn't necessarily done: the markets are down 300 points at the moment, though that's less than they were down a few hours ago.

I'm probably still okay.  I mean, I'm making a lot of assumptions about the future - there's no choice - but most are fairly reasonable.  I always assumed a 7% average annual return over decades; individual yearly fluctuations don't matter much.  I also have to assume I'm keeping my job part-time for two years of school and forking over $22k twice (what a UC would cost, roughly and accounting for taxes and deductions).  I also assume that, coming out of college, I can get a job making slightly more than my part-time here would pay.

Based on all that, I'll still have over $2m in the bank at 65.  But that's assuming the market settles down and has something close to a 7% average growth for the rest of the year; that's not guaranteed, but it's also not unreasonable.  If things get worse, well, I'll still be okay to a point, but it might mean having to pump in even more money once I come out of school.

Come, my friends

... t'is not to late to seek a newer world.
Push off, and sitting well in order smite
The sounding furrows; for my purpose holds
To sail beyond the sunset, and the baths
Of all the western stars, until I die. ...

-- Ulysses, Alfred (Lord Tennyson)

It's in

Just submitted my app to Caltech.  Still have to submit the test proctor form and take the tests (due by mid-March), but the app itself is in.

It's a long shot; I know that.  Hell, even if I'm accepted, I can't afford to go unless I get some significant financial aid (and *not* loans; thanks, but I'm not going to be a 44-year-old with $200k in fresh undischargeable student loans).  But, as they say of the lottery, you can't win if you don't play.

Part of submitting it is being willing to accept what everyone's been telling me: that I'm actually almost an ideal candidate for such a school.  I don't see it, but I'm also looking at my life through the filter of having lived as me for decades.  I know my perceptions of myself tend to be biased downward, and so I'm willing to accept that I may be wrong here.

It's also essentially a no-risk situation.  All I'm out is the $70 for the app itself and maybe $10 in the cost of transcripts.  So, we'll see.

I've started looking at housing prices near various schools.  Even if I keep my current job part-time, I'll need a roommate or subsidized housing.  That's one of the bigger deals when (think positive, right?) I get an acceptance from anyone.  I mean, tuition coverage would be great, but in some ways it's the housing that is more important.  Like, for a UC, I've got the money in IRAs to pay for tuition, but I can't use that money for housing - actually, as I write this, I'm not sure that's true.  I remember seeing something about expenses for tertiary education including housing costs.  I'll have to look that up.

I don't mind having a roommate, though winnowing down my stuff (or putting a lot of it in storage) would be more necessary with a roommate than living on my own.  But subsidized housing would just be easier overall.

Another angle on that is that my gay-couple friends who just bought a house live about 16 miles down the street from one of the private schools.  They've been nudging me about coming and living with them if I get in there.  Now, honestly, I'm not sure how serious that nudging is, and they've got a significant amount of their own stuff to deal with.  But it's a potential option.  It's far enough I'd likely have to drive (there's a bus, but the ride is about an hour) or get a bike (which wouldn't be all that much faster and, well, LA drivers and bikes aren't a good combination).  I'd rather be in walking distance, but that's when things get expensive.

Oh well, baby steps.  I've started cleaning my apartment.  I need to figure out how to get rid of my guest bed, since nowhere I'm going to go will have the space for it.  The only other major furniture items are my dining room table (which I like but, frankly, didn't cost that much and probably wouldn't work out anywhere) and my bed (which is probably also not going to fit wherever I go, but there's more likelihood of that).  oh, and my bookshelf, but that's modular and could be used for a lot of things in a lot of spaces.  Everything else either comes apart easily or could fit in the back of my Eclipse.

Not having bought a ton of furniture may end up being in my favor.

Spending money sucks

So, $3700 in car repairs and maintenance, but this should get the car into great shape for the next few years.  I know, it's a lot, especially for a 12-year-old car.  But I do *not* want to take on a car payment right now: my finances for the next two-three years are completely up in the air.

I've got some money saved to cover it (though I wasn't expected it to cost quite that much; they'd estimated $2500), to it won't hurt quite as bad.  But I've also made a financial decision that I think is smart at this point.  I think.

I've stopped my voluntary contributions to my retirement funds.  That was at 9%, which will mean (after taxes) another $300 or so per check.  I was already setting aside $200 specifically for new expenses, and with the changes in the tax law and my recent raise, I should be getting an additional $200 a check.  So, that's $700 every two weeks that I'm going to explicitly set aside for this expense and future expenses.  With my tax refund (which is usually at least $1000 and sometimes a lot more), I should be in decent shape by my birthday.

I did the math, and stopping my contributions doesn't change my overall totals much.  The account is already growing more from internal returns than from contributions, and the company still puts in 6% on my behalf regardless of what I do.  Plus, I'm planning on pulling out chunks for school anyway.  My estimates were all based on having $340k-$350k in my accounts by my birthday, and I'll still be in that window even if the market slows down significantly (I'm currently getting 15-20% returns and budgeting for 9%).  And paying off debt and having actual cash available penalty-free for moving or other expenses seems like the more responsible thing to do at this point.

... I know, this sounds like rationalization rather than reasoning, but it's actually something I've thought a lot about.  Paying off debt *does* make more sense than investing, since the debt is at higher interest than I'm getting on the market (though only barely right now).  Really, the issue is the withdrawal penalty later: for school fees, it's waived, but I should save up for moving and deposit and such as well.  I'll probably draw a financial "line" and budget around that: if I hit the line early (higher tax return, manage to spend less in general, etc.), I'll start contributions up again.

Basically, I'm at $324k right now.  With the company's 0.06% contribution only and an assumed 9% annual growth rate, I'll be at $341k just after my birthday (end of June).  If I transition to part time at that point (20 hours a week at the same wage), and assuming I go to a UC and end up paying for everything, I'm counting on about $20k taken out at the end of August each year for two years.  I should still be at $370k by my 43rd birthday, which is still over 3x my current annual salary and still 2 years ahead of schedule - and again, that's with just the company's contributions and nothing from me.

If I switch back to my 9% contribution when I go to part time (in addition to the company's 6%), I'll be at $382k at 43 - so the difference isn't all that much: about $10k in contributions and $2k in interest.  I know, it adds up over time, and so it's worth it to start back up again as soon as reasonable.

But I do think this is the responsible decision for where I am at the moment.  I just hope I'm right.

Not saying it

So, I've interacted with a pretty broad swath of folks through various mediums - blogs, gaming, specialty forums, etc.  Even a few times face to face.

I also tend to isolate and siphon different aspects of my life pretty well.  It's not generally a matter of shame or fear or protecting people or any actual conscious effort; I'm just private by nature and tend to include in that privacy a lack of talking to people about things that happen in my life when they aren't around.  Honestly, that's part of the reason why the whole blogging thing never really took off with me: it just feels counter to my nature.

The one place where many of these different branches of life come together for me is on Facebook.  Now, I don't post much on FB myself - at least not on my own wall (see my above blogging comment) - but I like to read what everyone else is doing and offer brief comments or even just know that my friends are (largely) okay and content.

If I could, I would restrict things so that friends couldn't see what I'd posted on other friends' walls (at least not through me), but that's not an option.  So, occasionally, a conversation somewhere will randomly pull in a friend from a different circle.  Usually this is okay or at worst a moment of slight discomfort; only once or twice has it erupted into a downright argument.  But in general, I'm able to keep the groups separate without conflicts.

To make things even more complicated, however, some of those specific groups have had their own internal rifts and issues - sometimes over legitimate problems, often over just growth and change of personalities.  It seems that ever year or so, there will be another kerfluffle of telling people to unfriend over some wrong (real or perceived), and the battle lines get drawn and the schism is had.  I got so many "I have mutuals with this person; please unfriend them or I'll have to unfriend you" that I finally hid my friends list (which makes such knowledge impossible).

A year or two ago, one such schism happened when one friend H pointed out that another friend E was narcissistic and abusive.  E was a closer to certain circles of various underprivileged and unprivileged groups, while H was closer to some of the more formal or professional types, and the schism took the form of  E saying "H is a -phobe and their friends are all as bad", and the two sides parting over this.

I'm still "friends" with both (H I've interacted with more, including some work-related stuff, while E is someone I only know through forums and online) and kept out of it.  I think H was right, but E looked to be changing/trying to improve.  I wasn't really risking anything on a friendship with E, so I had no reason not to keep the communications line open, as they say.

Well, there's been another kerfluffle.  A whole bunch of the people who sided with E over H and defended E have, due to some recent events, started calling out E as - get this - a narcissist and abuser.  De-friending has started, and I'm expecting the warring posts here shortly (one is already up).

I'm watching this happen, and there's a part of my brain screaming, "H said this years ago, and you all demonized H for it.  I don't suppose any of you are going to remember and actually apologize?"  But I know it wouldn't be productive - not at the moment, and perhaps not ever.  H can be rather tactless, and part of the problem I think was *how* H said things rather than what was said.  What came afterwards has probably burned any hope of a bridge there forever, so bringing H back into this would likely just make the mess worse.

But when the "we told you so" is so fucking obvious, it's really hard not saying it.

Changing pace

Palm Springs was pretty relaxing; I actually slept a lot, which I didn't realize I needed to do, and certainly took advantage of the hot tub.  No hookups, though I had a few offers - mostly from people to whom I wasn't attracted in the slightest, but that's pretty typical -

[Lest that sound really snobby, my "type" actually *isn't* muscled up or gym bunnies or models.  I tend to find myself most attracted more average or slightly lean guys, what many people would call "cute" faces but not strikingly good looking, and pretty basic everyday types all around]

- this time there appeared to be a lot of older guys who were either new to being gay or new to clothing optional resorts, and one of my big turn-offs is someone who explicitly has a major insecurity or unresolved self-image conflict and wants me to help them fix it or figure it out.  I'm totally willing to help, but that immediately kills any possible chemistry for me (which is generally a good thing, I think).

My hair is blond(ish) again, after even just the three days in the sun.  And even then I was being judicious about staying in the shade as much as reasonable.  I keep feeling like I should get back into working out or doing yoga, even just a little, but I know that as soon as school starts up in February, I'm liable to run out of time again.  This semester should be a little light - only 12 units, and 7 of those are programming classes - so maybe I could sustain it.

Also just got my raise, effective yesterday.  I was expecting about 3%-4%, to put me around $118k, and I got 3.77% and am at almost $118,700.  With the performance of my IRAs and my current contribution rate, I should almost hit $350k by my birthday.  Since that would be just under 3x my annual salary when I'm 41, that puts me 4 years ahead of schedule.  Depending on what happens with school, I should be good: to hit 3x my salary by 45, with no additional contributions added and a reasonable return, I should have about $272k in my IRAs by 41.  So, that'll give me $70k-80k to play with for school, which is more than I'd need for UCs and even a significant portion of a private school's cost.  Still hoping for scholarships and funding, though.

Speaking of school, working on the last two applications this month; they're due in February.  One of the guys in the hot tub actually wrote our programming book and was really pushing for me to apply to MIT; that's not on my list right now and something I'd have to do separately (actually, looking at their site, they have standardized tests I would have had to have taken by the end of December, so that's that).  But the other two are almost done: I have a couple of forms to have schools fill out, and I need to nudge two of my instructor recommendations, but everything else is basically done.  I'll probably do a last pass on the essays (or maybe two).

This is hopefully going to end up being an exciting and good-scary year for me.  I have no idea how it'll all end up, but I'm looking forward to it.

Oh, and just cuz, the Earth passed perihelion on January 2nd at 9:35 pm Pacific.  We're now in the process of slowing down for 6 months, until just before the 4th of July when we'll reach aphelion and start speeding back up.  Hope everyone had their seat belt on at the time.