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Nothing much today.

I feel like my life is partially on hold. This always happens when I prep myself for major decisions in the not-too-distant future: it isn't so much a buildup of anticipation as an attempt to not focus so much on what is potential. If that makes sense.

It's like this: I made the mistake of mentioning to friends that I'm thinking about moving. Now, whenever we hang out, they start asking me about the kinds of furniture I'm going to get and whether or not I'm going to throw house parties. Whereas, from my perspective, I don't even want to think about it more than absolutely necessary until I'm actually ready to start looking. I'd much rather deal with the options I really have than fantasize about what could be and then need to deal with unrealized fantasies.

But that also means that, until I get to the point of actually having done it, I'm really not ready to start to think of "what comes next"... which means I'm in a kind of pending state for a lot of things. At least these events are "when", not "if": I've set things up so that, even if delays occur, they will happen. That's something I'm very good at. So there's an end to the waiting period in the not-too-distant future. I just have to be patient.

On a more "responsible adult" note, I finally got my financials taken care of - the 401(k) is being rolled, I've got my IRA set up, and my SEP is in progress. I made a comment to a coworkers that it felt a little wrong to be planning for retirement when I'm only 33, but that I supposed it was the best time to make such plans. She salved my ego by insisting on seeing my license, because there wasn't any way in hell that I was over 25.

Alright, so, I can be a "looks like 25 and has 3 retirement accounts" kind of guy. Throw in the sports car with the stuffed frog in the back seat, and you've pretty much got me pegged. I even wear my sneakers with a suit and vest. Chris Knight eat your heart out.

Up with which we will not put

Another week done and over with.

(Random thought: My head just automatically spun that into, "Another week with which we are done and over." I think I've been spending too much time editing documents.)

(Random thought 2: The real question is this: how many people would even recognize that the original phrase is, in fact, grammatically incorrect? It's at times like these that I wonder where rationality ends and irrationality begins.)

I seem to expect a lot of people - at least in the opinions of those people, anyway. I suppose that really isn't fair, but it's also instinctive. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned before that, while I know I'm an odd duck in many ways, I always assume that everyone I meet is at least as capable as I am in general areas. I mean, for the most part, I have no special training or advanced knowledge in anything; I just read a lot. Everything I know is out there and readily available to everyone else.

And even though it happens a lot, it's always a bit of a shock - always - when people fail to grasp something that to me seems just an extension of existing concepts. It's like, the whole world knows how to count to 12, but if you point out to someone that they can just add one more and get 13, that person looks at you like you're the second coming of Aleister Crowley.

It's even more jarring when they're highly educated. I mean, I know that a lack of education doesn't correlate to a lack of intelligence - I like to think I'm living proof. But it would seem to be more plausible that the presence of education - especially advanced degrees - should imply at least moderate capability if not brilliance. It's easy to be intelligent and skip school (some might argue that it's imperative), but it's hard to imagine defending a thesis without having above-average intelligence.

Alas, such seems to not be the case. I am, on a day-to-day basis, surrounded by people spewing diagnoses, chemical formulae, and treatment options the way TMZ discusses marital affairs, and yet these same folks get the deer-in-the-headlights look if I mention basic concepts. Like, "hey, you've got all these documents - why don't you put them in a database so you know what you have?" Or basic marketing concepts like convincing someone they have a need and that your product is the best one to fill it. Or being up information theory to statisticians, or psychology to administrative staff, or economics to social workers.

Seriously - do most people never venture out of their chosen field at all? A lot of this is stuff I've never even had an active interest in; you just pick things up as you bounce through life. How can someone work professionally for 40 years and not have an entry-level understanding of marketing?

Anyway, it's been entertaining at least. And I got my first paycheck at the new company, so yay for that.

No movies to see this weekend - at least, nothing I really want to see. I even dug through all the art theatres looking for something interesting. Instead, I'm watching a few gay movies online - thanks for the suggestions btw - and just chilling. We saw "The Green Hornet" last week, which was just as silly and campy and entertaining as I thought it'd be.

I've also been watching season 1 of Glee, and while I have to skip a few things - some of the "drama" is too over-the-top, even for me - overall it's cute. Well, cutesy, but still cute.

I'm not sure why I'm watching all these shows suddenly, other than the vague notion that this is how I get my "gay" on and that, for some reason, I'm feeling the need to do so. Maybe I'll get a little flashy this weekend when I go out, draw some attention.

Anyway, I suppose that's it for now. I think I'm off to read a book - short stories by Saki. There's nothing like a Clovis rant to bring out the giggles.

Doubts

Everyone's unsure of something.

We all have insecurities. For some, it's looks. For others, it's intelligence. It might be how we dance, how we walk, how we sing, how we smile.

It might be that we don't know what we want to be when we grow up. It might be that we don't know remember how to be a kid. It might be that, one day, we wake up and look around at the life we thought of the prior day as completely normal only to not recognize anything, to wonder where this all came from and where it's all going to lead.

It might be simply wondering if we ever really woke up.

No one has all the answers; we're lucky if we can figure out the questions. The important thing is that we keep smiling, keep singing, keep walking... keep dancing. It's the only thing, really. If we run away in the times when we might be inadequate, we'll never have the strength to face the times we really are.

And we will be. We're all flawed. We all come to some point where we simply aren't good enough, aren't fast enough, aren't smart enough. We'll take the chance, and we'll fail. It's in the cards.

But you have to learn to not be afraid of it happening. You have to learn to spin it to something else, something positive, so you can get back up and try again.

The most significant moments in your life aren't when the world is cheering for you. They're when the cheering stops, and the only way to end the silence is to cheer for yourself.

And maybe in the echoes you'll hear a few of us cheering right along with you.

... to our regularly scheduled broadcast.

Wow, it's been a while. A bit of catch-up, then.

* Job's going well. Relatively speaking, I guess. The problem I'm finding isn't that I don't get along with folks or that I'm feeling lost or useless; quite the contrary, actually. In my first week at the office, I "accomplished" a half-dozen tasks that, to me, are pretty minor and I only really did because I didn't have my computer or software set up; however, a few individuals in specific positions of power have decided I'm the best thing since banging two rocks together created sparks.

This has good points and bad points - and the bad points *are* the good points. Apparently, I've caused a minor ruckus, in that a lot of people are asking if I can help them out with things that my department chair doesn't really want me working on (yet, anyway). We'll have to see what the fallout is.

* The consulting job isn't really doing much yet. I've gotten up early a few times for conference calls, but that's about it so far. I'm not likely to see any real work from it until next month. Still, they're supposed to be paying me, so I need to find out *when*.

* Speaking of paying, apparently I make too much to contribute to a Roth IRA - which is a stunner for me, since I've never been *over* the maximums for that kind of thing. I suppose that's another good/bad thing. So, I'm talking to financial counsellors about what to do with my 401k. I need to decide pretty quick here, though.

* I gave my best friend tuberculosis. Luckily, he'd already been tested.

* Guerneville was fun. Hot-tubbing in freezing rain is fun. I need to go back again, but it'll be a while before I can take time off. Oh well.

* A friend of mine is going into a pretty major meeting tomorrow about a screen play. Hopefully it works out well for him, though I probably won't have anything I can say about it for a few weeks at best (until the contracts are signed, if they are). Still, if you believe in that sort of thing, throw whatever mojo you can his way. He needs it.

* I'm working out again - starting out slowly, as always, and trying to build up. I really ought to be watching what I eat, and I think I'll break myself back into that habit as well. With the work situation stabilizing a bit, I can start planning things like lunches better.

* I find myself searching for decent gay movies to watch. Netflix doesn't have nearly enough on instant play. Just so people don't suggest them, the ones I like (and have seen): Beautiful Thing, Trick, Get Real, Latter Days, Parting Glances, Jeffrey, The Curiosity of Chance, Shelter, "Patrick, 1.5", Camp (not really gay, but soooo gay), pretty much all the "shorts" collections out there... I think that's most of them.


... That's probably it for now. Hopefully I'll be able to get back into reading and posting regularly, or at least more often than I have been (which has been once a week at best).

Anyway, we now return you...

To-do list

I don't "do" resolutions. Too often they're vague admonitions reminiscent of parental scolding: do this, don't do that, lose weight, eat better, and you might try calling your mother more often. They're ambiguous enough to provide no real path of execution but specific enough to make us feel bad for not meeting them. Besides, my mother's on MSN, so we chat all the time.

I do, however, set goals for myself - not just at New Years, but all the time. It's part of the mapping process I do in my head, and while I can't always fulfill them on the original schedule, I can almost always actualize them eventually.

So, based on the things I see coming down the line in 2011, here are some of the plans:

* Pay off all debt (should be around February / March)
* Move closer to L.A. (April-ish)
* Visit at least one country to which I've never been - likely something in the Caribbean for my birthday
* Get back into my workout routine - I fell out of it with all the stress and traveling this last quarter

Those are the solid plans. There are other things I'd like to do - hiking more, going camping at least once, try and get into swimming, learn functional programming, that sort of thing - but those are just ideas. We'll see if they happen.

I think, though, that in general my life is on a good track. I suppose that's the best anyone really should hope for.