Not saying it

So, I've interacted with a pretty broad swath of folks through various mediums - blogs, gaming, specialty forums, etc.  Even a few times face to face.

I also tend to isolate and siphon different aspects of my life pretty well.  It's not generally a matter of shame or fear or protecting people or any actual conscious effort; I'm just private by nature and tend to include in that privacy a lack of talking to people about things that happen in my life when they aren't around.  Honestly, that's part of the reason why the whole blogging thing never really took off with me: it just feels counter to my nature.

The one place where many of these different branches of life come together for me is on Facebook.  Now, I don't post much on FB myself - at least not on my own wall (see my above blogging comment) - but I like to read what everyone else is doing and offer brief comments or even just know that my friends are (largely) okay and content.

If I could, I would restrict things so that friends couldn't see what I'd posted on other friends' walls (at least not through me), but that's not an option.  So, occasionally, a conversation somewhere will randomly pull in a friend from a different circle.  Usually this is okay or at worst a moment of slight discomfort; only once or twice has it erupted into a downright argument.  But in general, I'm able to keep the groups separate without conflicts.

To make things even more complicated, however, some of those specific groups have had their own internal rifts and issues - sometimes over legitimate problems, often over just growth and change of personalities.  It seems that ever year or so, there will be another kerfluffle of telling people to unfriend over some wrong (real or perceived), and the battle lines get drawn and the schism is had.  I got so many "I have mutuals with this person; please unfriend them or I'll have to unfriend you" that I finally hid my friends list (which makes such knowledge impossible).

A year or two ago, one such schism happened when one friend H pointed out that another friend E was narcissistic and abusive.  E was a closer to certain circles of various underprivileged and unprivileged groups, while H was closer to some of the more formal or professional types, and the schism took the form of  E saying "H is a -phobe and their friends are all as bad", and the two sides parting over this.

I'm still "friends" with both (H I've interacted with more, including some work-related stuff, while E is someone I only know through forums and online) and kept out of it.  I think H was right, but E looked to be changing/trying to improve.  I wasn't really risking anything on a friendship with E, so I had no reason not to keep the communications line open, as they say.

Well, there's been another kerfluffle.  A whole bunch of the people who sided with E over H and defended E have, due to some recent events, started calling out E as - get this - a narcissist and abuser.  De-friending has started, and I'm expecting the warring posts here shortly (one is already up).

I'm watching this happen, and there's a part of my brain screaming, "H said this years ago, and you all demonized H for it.  I don't suppose any of you are going to remember and actually apologize?"  But I know it wouldn't be productive - not at the moment, and perhaps not ever.  H can be rather tactless, and part of the problem I think was *how* H said things rather than what was said.  What came afterwards has probably burned any hope of a bridge there forever, so bringing H back into this would likely just make the mess worse.

But when the "we told you so" is so fucking obvious, it's really hard not saying it.