Stand up

People are turning out to be a lot more insecure than I would have thought.

I've had people leave the company while I've been here; in almost 13 years, it's impossible not to have had dozens if not hundreds of people quit or get laid off. One of those was my best friend, 3 years ago, who was also my "partner in crime" here - so much so that people seemed to forget our names could be said separately. It was always "go ask x and y if they can do this" or "y and x are supporting it". Granted, when he left, there was some extra work load that had to be passed around.

But I've never felt like the world was coming to an end, or that I couldn't get things done. It was always just an inconvenience of more work, not a catastrophe. I've pretty much always been confident enough in myself and my abilities that, if something unknown or unexpected came up, it was mostly a matter of, "Okay, let's figure this out and move on." It may be more ego than anything else, but I've never considered taking over any task overwhelming - just annoying.

I'm beginning to suspect that I might be the only person here who feels that way.

I'm hearing, from almost every direction, protestations of panic and chaos - "we're screwed!", "who's going to do xxx for us?", etc. - which I have, until very recently, been attributing more to politeness and/or complimentary nature than actual concern: the typical "I don't know how we're going to get along without you" that every departing person hears no matter how replaceable they really are. The actions and results I'm seeing, though, may indicate that these are more than platitudes as people really don't seem to have any clue how to handle things without me.

(Random note: I have one sweater where the torso is fine but the sleeves are too long. This, for me, is unusual, because I have a short torso but long arms. I always feel like a 6-year-old in his older brother's sweater when I wear it, which is odd because I never had an older brother. Still, I always end up with a bit more bounce in my step when I walk around with the ends of my sleeves almost covering my hands.)

Now, I assume that someone will step up and/or problems will get solved in the end: I have no illusion that I, or anyone else really, is irreplaceable. The issue, though, would seem to be the length of time it takes to get everything sorted out. And as I said, I don't see anyone - not one single person - who is stepping up and "figuring it out" the way I typically have in the past. You would think that, out of 20 or 30 IT personnel, there'd be at least one - but then I have to consider that, out of 20 or 30 IT personnel, that one is (or was) me.

I've been often told by people that I have a pretty substantial ego - something I've loosely defined as knowing who you are, what you are, what you want, and how to get it. I consider this a good thing: a true ego, a true sense of self and security, helps to keep one balanced and not be thrown off by minor (or even major) problems or issues. Someone who is self-assured isn't afraid to be wrong or challenged, nor to take some risks, because one's self-perception isn't based on the false premise of perfection or ideals. By no means am I perfect, but knowing that and completely accepting that fact means imperfection doesn't threaten me.

That also means being realistic about one's limits; ironically, true modesty is born of self-assuredness even while one decries one's abilities. It's only when we're comfortable with what we are that we can realistically approach or confront what we aren't. One of my favorite lines from a book comes from Harry Harrison's Stainless Steel Rat series: "False modesty is the refuge of the incompetent."

What I'm finding in most of my coworkers, however, is the false ego born from the insecurities of people who are trying to make everyone else believe they're competent even when they themselves don't think they are. I see people who constantly portray themselves as experts in their fields and, yet, get flustered or even angry at relatively minor challenges to authority or comprehension. Throw in the large unknown of extra work that they haven't been carefully led into and what results seems to be total paralysis. Of course, there are a few who are probably completely competent, but who are also so burnt out that they don't care enough to try. While the mechanisms may be different, the result is the same: someone who sees something mildly challenging and then simply throws his or her hands in the air saying, "oh well, I can't do it."

I know that eventually everything will get sorted out, that problems will get solved and new routines will develop to handle the new issues and circumstances. The question is, though, at what price? How long will it take to knock things into their new shape, to adapt current resources to the new needs? And how much money - real money, in terms of time, expenses, and lost business - will result?

I suppose that's no longer my problem; I can't solve it in less than two working days' time, and it really isn't my responsibility to do so. But I wouldn't be me if I didn't concern myself with the process as a whole, even as I step out the door. That's part of the reason why I'm so respected around here and why I've been recruited so actively by this new company. One doesn't simply turn that off and walk away.

So, as I sit here with basically nothing to do for the next day or two, this shit runs through my head. I really don't think they're prepared, but there's nothing else I can do to prepare them; I wish there was, but they don't seem to want to be prepared. They say the quickest way to learn how to swim is to jump in the pool. The problem is, how much water do you swallow before you make it to the edge?

All these posts about my career change are probably getting boring. So, on to something else.

This weekend was, obviously Christmas. Saturday, I had dinner with my parents and one friend; he and my step-dad like to talk military history and such, since they're both experts on the subject. My mom and I always end up sneaking off to the kitchen or whatever, but they don't seem to notice. My step-dad's getting older, and a few of his old friends have died over the years, so there's not many people he can spar with, intellectually, on these subjects; handing out with Phil fills some of that need.

The day after Christmas, the 26th, is my step-dad's birthday and, traditionally, the day all his kids come over. This, of course, meant their kids as well, and while individually they're all fairly well-behaved, when you get four 7-12 year-olds in a room it gets pretty chaotic. Like most years, I spent the day helping my mom keep the kitchen going - she always makes up these lists of things to do at various times so that she doesn't lose track, but with the extra moving parts in the house it takes a little more effort to keep up. Besides, while I like my step-brothers and sisters, I really don't have much in common with them, so if I'm part of the socializing circle it just feels awkward; helping cook means my mother can spend more time with them and I can legitimately spend less. It's a pretty decent tradeoff, even if it does mean than my ribs are a little sore today from standing for pretty much 12 hours.

Wednesday I'm taking a (hopefully) much-deserved break and driving up to Guerneville, which for those who don't know (probably most of the world; even people in California don't know) is a small town along the Russian River an hour or two north of San Francisco. The salient factor, though, is that 1) it's in the redwoods and 2) the "resort" I'm staying at is gay and has a clothing-optional pool and hot tub. Now, I'm not going to be doing much sunbathing in 50-degree weather, but the hot tub's always great. Plus, I'm getting a massage while there, and in general just trying to relax.

Hard to believe that a week from today I'll be at a new job; luckily, reality requires no belief, only existence.