Life is complicated.

I haven't spoken to my father - my real father - in about 22 years.  We didn't have a falling out so much as a drifting apart.  It's important to note that I lived with my mother for a good portion of that time: while I made no effort to reach out to him, he made none towards me either.  I won't say it was a mutual decision since I doubt either of us actually made such a decision, but it was at the least mutual ambivalence that allowed it to happen.

A few years ago, though, I had my younger stepbrother - my step-mom's youngest son, about 7 years younger than I am - contact me on Facebook.  We've had a few amicable discussions - he ended up being gay as well - and we're "friends" on Facebook, though I never actually do more than "like" some of his posts.  I'm also, through him, "friends" with his sister, who is 2 years older than I am.  I don't even "like" stuff from her.  The restriction on both is self-imposed: I'm glad they're doing well, and I hold no animosity towards any of them, but anything I did would be seen by their mother and likely get back to my father and, thus, cause complications that none of us really need.

One of the side effects, though, is that I've come across photos of my stepmom that include (explicitly or in the background) my dad.  He looks well and happy, and though his hair is almost white it's also still all there (probably a good sign for me personally, since I'm almost his spitting image physically).

I also just came across photos of their house (which they had 22 years ago) - or, at least, what used to be their house.  Apparently, they moved to Washington recently, and the photos (which show some dramatic changes to the house, things I confirmed with a quick Google Earth search) were for the real estate ads.  The irony is that for the last 6 years or so I've lived closer to that address than at any other time in my life (I'm about 15 miles from the house my parents owned when I was born).

I've actually, since I moved, given more than a passing thought to the possibility of running into them in the area, especially as I currently attend the community college my stepmom graduated from.  I guess that's no longer something I need to consider.

Another complication: my sister, who I've mentioned before and is (or was) extremely toxic to a lot of people in my life, also lived in Washington the last I heard.  In fact, my father is now living about 30 miles from the high school my nephew went to.  I have no idea if either of them knows this or if they're at all associating.

I don't know why this is all coming up now.  I'm getting ready to apply for transfer soon - the application are available next month, though most can't be submitted until October or November - and maybe it's just the nature of transitions that make us think about our lives.

I don't wish any of them ill - I hope they are all well and happy.  But I also don't necessarily want them back in my life (especially my sister).  I don't know how I'd handle it if the issue was forced. I also fully expect that some day, in the next 10 years or so, I'm going to get a call that my father is dying (he's been pretty hard on himself over the years, physically, and I have to assume that has taken a toll; he's also about 69 at this point).  I already know I'll go see him at that point, but I don't feel any need to do anything prior.  And if I never get the call and simply find out after the fact, well, so be it.

The past is what it was.  The future is what it will be.  All we can do is live today.


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