The Other One Percent

In 1993 (fall), I got a 1480 on my SATs.  770 Math, 710 English.  That was 24 years ago.  Until last night, I didn't realize what that meant.

Some background: listen to the song "Perfect" by Alanis Morissette.  Okay, not exactly, but close enough.

To understand the background, you have to know two things: whatever else I can say about her, my older sister is undeniably brilliant; and I have ADHD and dyslexia and had a speech impediment until I was in 2nd or 3rd grade.  For many years, I was considered "the slow one".  It made a kind of sense - one off-the-charts smart kid, one slightly-behind-the-curve kid - so no one really questioned it.  Then she started going off the rails, and about the same time someone noticed that I was doing 5th grade math in 2nd grade.

I won a spelling bee in 1st grade (on a bet, actually).  I remember my mother being really proud of me.  It's the last time I remember her being proud of me - or at least of telling me so - until I was in my 20s.  As soon as it was decided that I was "gifted", expectations changed.  Anything less than perfect meant I wasn't trying hard enough; anything perfect simply meant that I was meeting expectations and wasn't worth talking about.

That isn't an exaggeration, and it wasn't just my parents.  As a sophmore in high school, I won first place in Math at the Academic Decathalon.  The proctor for the team actually chastised me for not getting a perfect score - I got something like 49 out of 50 - and then never apologized when it was announced that one of the questions couldn't have been answered correctly.  I got a 4 on my AP Physics test as a junior, and my parents were disappointed I hadn't gotten a 5.  I should add that we didn't have an AP Physics class: I just took the test on my own.  The 5 I got on my AP Calculus test, as one of two Juniors in the class, was waved off as "good job" and then never mentioned again.

So, back to my SATs.  770 Math, 710 English.  I don't remember much about the reaction, other than my parents being disappointed I didn't get perfect 1600s.  That was my fall score, which meant I could retake it in the spring, but by that point I knew I wasn't getting into a university (no way to pay for it and my GPA sucked), so I never bothered.  I just kept this impression that 1480 was mediocre - above-average, sure, but nothing impressive.  In my head, it took a 1500 or 1550 or higher to really be "college-worthy".

A few months ago, my parents (now much older) mentioned one of my nephews got 1200-something and got into a semi-exclusive technical school.  I thought that was odd, but didn't think much else on it.  A few weeks ago, I was in a conversation online with some folks talking about SAT scores - theirs and their kids.  Someone said something about a 1300s score, and I kind of blew it off as being "alright" - and then got chewed out for a bit as to why I was being so "fucking elitist".  I accepted the dressing-down, but then asked someone else privately later what it was all about.  I said, "I mean, I got a 1480 and I know that wasn't anything fantastic; 1300 is good but it's not great."  Said friend told me I really needed to go back and look at the scoring for the SATs.

I finally did last night.  I can't find specific data for 1994, because College Board "recentered" scores in 1995.  Essentially, the SAT is supposed to be like an IQ test: for IQ, 100 is supposed to be "average", and for the SAT, 500 on any test is supposed to be "average".  Scores had been decreasing, however, and so they adjusted the tests in 1995 to raise the scores a bit.  My 1480 in 93/94 is equivalent to 1580 after "recentering".  That put me in the 99th percentile for college-bound students.

I took the test at the start of my junior year, without much prep at all (and certainly no studying), with undiagnosed (and certainly untreated) ADHD and dyslexia, and got in the top 1% of college-bound students nationwide.  And the only response I can remember getting was vague disappointment that I hadn't done better.

If people have trouble really understanding why I cringe every time someone says "of course you did well" or "you'll be fine" when I talk about anything school-related, or why I'm not talking about school with most people (and especially my parents), they need to read that last paragraph.  I don't hold it against my parents - I know they probably did the best they knew how to do - but that doesn't change the fact that 24 years later I'm still having to deal with the fallout.