I live my life in a probability matrix (hence the name of the blog). By that I mean that I try not to let my expectations or "shoulds" get out of control. Almost anything can happen, and while most possibilities are extremely remote, that still leaves a wide range of "maybes" out there.
(Random note: ear infections suck.)
So, I try to build a flexible plan around the most likely outcomes, leaving enough room to make decisions or cover emergencies in case one of those outliers comes to pass. This means that, in general, I deal with the little bumps and grinds in life without much issue, and that while few things shock or startle me, life is fun to experience for the sheer novelty.
Once in a while, though, I find myself getting fixated on one branch (or set of branches) of the future, locked into the whole "wouldn't it be cool if..." menatility to the point where, when it doesn't happen (and it rarely does), I feel the let-down. Not often, mind you; the last time was probably more than a year ago.
Well, I find myself disappointed that I haven't heard from the guy in Texas at all. I know, intellectually, that there's absolutely no reason I should hear from him. I've written him twice, a week apart and the second time last night; if I don't get a response this time, it's because he doesn't want to respond. That's fine, and it's his right. Realistically, nothing much would have likely happened anyway.
But still, there's that part of me that is saddened. I saw the possibilities, the "could be"s, and they were fun. I got too fixated on them, and now I have to mentally back out of that. I won't say it's painful or distressing, because it's not. It's just... sad. Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May.
Intellectually, I know I'm going to be single for the rest of my life - oh, sure, it might be punctuated by dating here or there, but the core of me is a solitary wanderer. I suppose the pitfall in this instance was meeting someone who appeared to be the same - but the core is still solitary. Comets don't travel in pairs: they may meet and, in some small way, alter each other's course, but they will still separate and fly on alone.
Or, perhaps, stars are a better analogy: flying through the galaxy, dragging worlds and wonders with them. Occasionally, very rarely, you get the exact right conditions for two stars to orbit each other, but that is so rare as to not be worth considering.
And yet, the ultimate salvation of man is that we can consider such things, to dare to dream of the far edge of the wave function. "A man's reach should exceed his grasp/else what's a heaven for?"
The paradox is that I'm still reaching beyond my grasp, yet I don't believe in heaven. That is, truly, the source of my insanity.
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7 comments:
"I know I'm going to be single for the rest of my life - oh, sure, it might be punctuated by dating here or there, but the core of me is a solitary wanderer."
You are responsible for your own future. If you want to be a solitary wanderer, that's fine. But if not, don't sell yourself short. I only "know" you through the few posts on this blog, but clearly you are a goodlooking, intelligent, self-aware guy. You're a catch.
Your 30s are your prime, make the most of them. If you want a partner, make the effort to find the right one.
Care to share any opinions about the FFXIV beta?
I'm asocial. I have no dependency on people, from an emotional standpoint. That's not a problem to me, but it means that I come off as very aloof or distant to most people (who generally need some kind of emotional or personal validation from others; not a bad thing, just not my thing).
I also, actively, can't date someone who needs me (see http://outnotup.blogspot.com/2010/02/why-do-we-get-into-relationships-it.html, which is probably the most personal post I put on that blog).
So, generally, when I *do* date, it tends to start off normal and then trickle to a dead stop, as the other person decides that he wants someone more "into" him or less "independent". A lot of people seem to want to be the center of someone's world, and I frankly can't buy into that.
The result is that, yes, I'm likely to be the perpetual bachelor. It's the most probable outcome. I'm open to alternatives, but I can't realistically expect them.
And, frankly, the idea of making an effort to find a relationship is completely contraindicated to me. I make myself available and put myself in situations where I can meet people, but the idea of actively seeking out a relationship just seems - I don't know, sad somehow.
As for the beta - I can't say a lot since it's still under NDA. I'll just say I've already pre-ordered the collector's edition.
I propose that you modify your understanding of your life's probability matrix.
Certainly you can accept that some life variables are more important than others. Have you considered which variable is most important? I'll give you a hint: it is not inherent randomness.
The most important variable is the sum of the decisions you make.
Your well-argued attempts to rationalize your decision to abdicate responsibility for an emotionally fulfilling life may be convincing to you, but not to this arbitrary third party. I encourage you to accept that you have surrendered your emotional life to random probability and that by doing so you have, most likely, created a self-fulfilling prophecy. You don't take responsibility, you make rational arguments (aka excuses) and you therefore remain the solitary wanderer you envision yourself to be.
If it is your wish to be a solitary wanderer for another 60 or 70 years, then I respect that decision.
What I see is an analytical, independent (not asocial, not anti-social) boy (not man, in the emotional sense) who inherently does not know how to handle his own emotional needs other than to rationalize them.
Because you have made the decision not to strengthen your emotional skills, you are correct, developing a lasting relationship has been difficult. And it will remain so until you work to develop your emotional skills beyond boyhood.
Lots of analytical thinkers have under-developed emotional skills. Most lack the self-awareness and drive to take action to do something about it. For a reason I cannot identify, I have faith in you. You are the pearl in the oyster; the hidden treasure. Perhaps it is because you have a natural warmth that many hyper-analyticals lack.
No one can more effectively divert you from your path as a solitary wanderer than you. Relying on random events handicaps you and is nothing more than an excuse for inaction. I suggest that you do some thinking, set some goals and make a plan to achieve them.
You probably do need to work on yourself before you go looking for others. ANY and EVERY relationship is about satisfying shared needs. No, you should not suffer the demands of a needy person. However you should be sympathetic, patient and loving enough to offer sincere, consistent support to someone you like. That is the skill set you might want to first address. How do you do that? Do some research. You're smart, make a plan.
The first step is to admit that permitting yourself to be bumped along randomly is a waste of good life.
I'm simply going to say two things.
1, you have very few facts or observations on which to base your judgments, and you're amusingly wrong about at least a few.
2, I was referring to core needs; everyone needs support at various levels, but deep-seated psychological needs are a different animal entirely.
I'll leave it at that for now. I might expand on some of it later, details from my background, if I feel like it.
I was about to do a follow-up apology, before you replied. But, alas, I'm too late.
After more thought I realized I was being too presumptive.
I offer my most sincere and humble apologies.
I would like to redeem my error by being helpful in the future. However, if my presumptiveness has already shot my credibility, I will not pester you.
I will,however, stand by my primary point which is that no intelligent, attractive, self-aware 33 year old should commit himself to perpetual bachelorhood, unless it is by choice.
There are 9,862,000 people in Los Angeles County. If only 3% are openly gay men that means there are nearly 300,000 potential partners in that county alone. Narrow the prospect pool to college-educated single gay men between the ages of 21 and 40 and the numbers may drop to "only" 30,000.
Not unlimited potential but enough to have a reasonable hope of finding a well-adjusted, compatible guy.
You haven't "shot" your credibility - no worries there. You were extrapolating from limited information and, for the average person, you'd probably be right. Hence the "amusing" part - if/when I elaborate later, you'll probably find it funny too. The effort's appreciated, even if the result isn't necessarily applicable.
And, just to clarify - I'm not committed to being single forever. I just see it as the most likely (or, to be honest, only likely) outcome. That doesn't stop me, though. As I said in my first post, I may not believe in heaven but I still strive for it. Who knows, I might be surprised in the end. Surprise is, after all the nature of the universe (according to a history monk I know).
I've always admired your ability to refrain from following your could-be's or latching on to them too hard. Take it from someone that does the exact opposite, your way isn't a bad way at all. Given my nature for wanting to do the right thing and my endless curiosity for walking down all roads, I often find myself down roads that I probably shouldn't have taken with no discernible way to back out.
But enough about me. Starcraft II Monday night!!!!
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