We're havin' a heat wave...

So, we have this big presentation we're supposed to do for the department yesterday. I decide it's probably appropriate to wear a suit.

Of course it ends up being the hottest day in 6 months, to the point of breaking records. Of course.

It's April 1st. I won't pull any jokes; I've never really been into it. I have, of course, helped a few others plan out things: my job, after all, revolves around coming up with ways of getting things done. We'll see how bad the fallout is.

However, first of April also means I'm that much closer to moving: this month I start actively looking. Time to sign up for all those rental companies, dig through magazines, and in general spend a lot of time being disappointed in offerings. I want to have an agreement signed before June if at all possible.

I don't think I mentioned this last time, but I actually did the responsible thing (horror of horrors) and went through my credit reports. Everything seems to be in order. They don't give you an actual score (at least not for free), but running the data through a quick estimating system put me at about 750ish - and that was still with a heavy-ish balance on one card at the time of my last statement. I've paid even more off and will have it completely paid off by the middle of April, so I assume a credit check won't be a problem.

(I'm actually thinking of celebrating a little when I get my card paid off. I'd go on a shopping spree, but that seems a little ironic...)

This weekend should be nice enough to get out of the house and do something. I'd love to go hiking - just have to find a trail to hit. I've got a book of them, so, it's more a matter of picking something and going than anything complex.

Other than that, it's springtime in Los Angeles. The sun is shining, the grass is green, the orange and palm trees sway... er, wait, that's a Christmas song. Anyway, for all you folks getting pounded on by the snow storm today, just remember: it's 70-something in SoCal, and I'll be having lunch in the park. So there. Nyah.

Sunshine peaking through

Well, it's raining again, but at least I'm not sick.

Or less sick. That bug I got (whatever it was) lasted a full week. I haven't been that ill since 1999; even the H1N1 last January wasn't that bad. I don't think it was a flu, though, because I never got the typical soreness-headache I get from the flu.

Yesterday was the first day I came back to work (this being a hospital, they're a little anal about the whole "infectious diseases" thing), and I was exhausted by the afternoon. Today, not so bad. I still have a little bit of the sniffles, but I'm being careful with tissues and such as well as using hand sanitizer (which I usually abhor, but in this case I'm doing it for others, not myself).

It'll be raining this weekend, but oh well. I'll probably be sleeping.

... When I'm not working, anyway. I think I've mentioned my consulting gig; it's starting to get busy, which means the next few months are going to be pretty hectic for me. Oh well, they're paying me. Or, at least, they should be paying me - she's not quite late with the February payment, but if I don't have something by Saturday I'm going to send an email to check (she will be late by the 1st). I'm a bit axious for this check, because it's the last one that'll hit my statements before I start apartment hunting and, since it'll lower my debt-to-credit ratio, it'll improve my credit rating. Plus, you know, I owe quarterly taxes by the 15th.

Moving. Yeah. I'm starting to "look" online, getting narrower ideas of where I want to look and where I should (not "can", but "should") afford to live - and, luckily, the points that overlap between them. I think I can get a decent place in the $1400 range in a neighborhood I like; I've found a few places with everything I pretty much want for that.

The "downside", of course, is that I'm going to have someone living with me for the first few months. I promised a friend that I'd give him a rent-free place to stay for 6 months so he can try and rebuild his finances. So, I'm not quite going to have the free lifestyle I want, but it might actually be a good thing: this'll provide a bit of a mental buffer between old and new. We'll see how it works out. He's not going on the lease or anything, paying no rent, and bringing in no (or very limited) furniture, so there's no doubt about the fact that it's my place, not his. He's okay with this.

We'll see if we're still okay with it at month 3.

Spring has sprung

The west coast is drowning, and I'm sick.

Been a while since I've posted, but then, not much has happened. Well, not much locally.

I came down with some cold-from-hell late last week and still have it; the on-call nurse said I don't need to see the doctor unless I get a fever, nausea, or chills. So, I'm just working from home and being mostly miserable.

We had 6 inches of rain fall in 24 hours yesterday. Yeah, it broke all sorts of records. We're supposed to be getting showers on and off until Wednesday, when another storm hits. Since we were over the annual rainfall "budget" before this storm, we're going to be well over after the next one.

Finances continue apace; I've started looking at online listings to get an idea of what's realistic and what isn't. I've found a few properties in or around the area where I want to live that are almost perfect.

Straight on 'til morning

You know (or maybe you don't), an intrinsic part of my self-image is childhood. I don't mean I think of myself as a kid - even when I was a kid, I never had the chance to think of myself as one. Or, well, rarely, anyway.

Actually, maybe it's because I didn't have much of a chance to be young that I forever feel locked in time. I constantly wobble back and forth between adulthood and childhood, but I never really belong in either.

Today, I was an adult. You can't get much more "adult" than filing a 20-page tax return or opening retirement accounts. I have a few friends I hang out with regularly, and none of them can believe the sheer complexity of my financial planning - four IRAs, multiple jobs, juggling loans and credit cards and such to maximize dollars. To me, this should all be common-knowledge: maybe it's just because my mother's a CPA that I know how to manage credit and such, but to be honest, I don't think she and I have ever had an actualy conversation about it so I don't think that's it. Apparently, though, most people don't know the basics - like the notion that it may not be in your favor to pay off a low-interest debt, depending on what rate of return you could make on investments. It's just basic math, but I guess it's not obvious to others.

Yesterday, I bought a pack of mini-cupcakes from this store in Malibu called Crumbs. It's an actual cupcake store - it's pretty much all they do. I don't really know why; I don't necessarily like desserts. But after writing all the checks and putting stamps on all the envelopes, there was something freeing about being able to stop being an adult and munch on a little cupcake for a few minutes. The kid got to come out and play.

One friend mentioned that he felt like he had Peter Pan syndrome - he never wanted to grow up. I'm not sure how you'd classify the boy who grew up too fast but then spent the rest of his life slipping back into that child-like state once in a while. I just get the urge to buy one of those bubble-blowers and go sit in the park, or build sand castles on the beach, or even just stare at the sky and try to see shapes in the clouds.

I suppose it's handy to make enough money and be responsible enough most of the time that I can afford to be irresponsible or silly others. Maybe that's the key - that we have to grow up, but just enough to fool everyone.

Turning

(Okay, last one for the day. Think of this as making up for lost time.)

I tried to run from 'neath the clouds
but all I found was rain;
It wasn't until I drank the drops
I found the sun again.

I tried to shelter from the wind
but wound up tossed and blown;
Not until I rode the breeze
did I find the calm had grown.

I tried to hide away from cold
but ice was everywhere;
As soon as I played in the snow
I found the warmth in there.

I tried to turn from darkness
but no light would shine so far;
And then, one day, I faced the night
and finally saw a star.

... from the archives

(I wrote a while ago that I found some of my old notebooks. The following is from around 1997, and fits a little with the theme of the last post.)

It isn't quite a color,
not exactly a shade,
It's not a hue or brightness
or a contrast to be made,
It isnt' really mute although
it doesn't make a sound
A presence always felt
even if it's never found
It comes and goes at will
although it never really leaves
And I can't say that it's credible
though everyone believes
It's something less than nothing
meanwhile nothing less than all
And of the greatest magnitude
even when it is quite small.


Show me a man who has never loved, and I'll show you a man with few worries and fewer hopes. Our greatest scar and greatest inspiration is the broken heart, for only through giving ourselves away can we ever really have a chance to be whole.

Twinkle

... I'd gaze into the sky at night
And wish upon a satellite
So far away it twinkled bright
And played a star for me to see....


I just read a post by Justin where he talks about watching the stars with the boy he loved but could never have. It reminded me of that stanza, part of a larger poem I wrote years ago; most of the rest isn't very good, but those four lines have stuck with me for 20 years now. The only other line I remember, the last line, is: "A lilac bloomed, the star shined on."

You see, I wrote that poem the day I realized I was gay - I mean, the actual day, within hours, of realizing I was attracted to guys and what that meant. The lilac, therefore, was me - or at least that side of me. I didn't allow myself to be very emotional when I was a kid for a variety of reasons, so this whole concept of "attraction" was a big deal.

The star, though... I grew up in East L.A.; even after moving to the suburbs, the city lights were often bright enough that all you could see were the brightest of stars and satellites. I had to make do with what was available at the time.

I think we all wish on satellites ones in a while. We all allow ourselves to pretend (or at least hope) that someone or something is different than it actually is, even when we know better. We see the truth, know its essence, and still make the wish. We have to, if only for a while, pretend it's a star.

I don't see that as a bad thing. It's the basis of hope, of dreams, of aspirations. Yes, we can cause ourselves heartache and pain, but sometimes even that has its uses. And sometimes, once in a while, a satellite can play the part so well that no one need ever know it isn't really a star.

Appearances

What makes you you?

I had a discussion with a friend tonight. He's older, with a grey/white beard but still (mostly) brown hair. He dislikes the way it looks but adamantly refuses to dye it. "Older men who dye their hair are vain," he says, seemingly ignoring the fact that caring about how one looks is vain whether one does anything about it or not.

A few minutes later and in a completely different conversation, he mentions that he would never wear a "flowered shirt"; this comes up in the context of a luau, where "luau attire" is generally requested. He asked me if I'd ever wear a flowered shirt, and I mentioned that I actually wore a bright aqua-marine shirt to the luau I attended; no one seemed to care. "I'd never wear a brightly-colored shirt," he says. "An attraction to bright colors signifies a low IQ."

When I tied these two concepts together for him, he seemed taken aback and, instead, shifted the argument to "it's just not me; I wouldn't do it." I didn't push the issue any further, but it raised an interesting thought.

How do you define yourself? I mean, I've lightened my hair in the past; I think, in general, I look better as a blonde but don't always have the ability to get out in the sun where it lightens naturally. I also wear a widely varying array of styles in clothing. I don't consider either thing to be a significant characteristic of who I am as an individual.

Nor do I think it vain to change something about yourself that you don't like - or, at least, not in a negative way. That is, after all, why most people work out, lose weight, dress how they dress, shave, get their hair styled a certain way, etc. I think those things only add into who I am in the sense that they help portray how I want people to see me - that want or desire is significant, not the actual presentation.

I suppose self-esteem also factors into it. One excuse he gave was "other people would think I look funny", to which I replied that I didn't care what other people thought. "Then why do it?" he asked. "Because I like it," I told him. He still didn't seem to grasp the difference.

Oh well. I suppose it's "to each their own", but it still seems like a strange perspective to me: insisting on not doing something you want to do for fear of being perceived as if you're doing it to impress others. Seems to be a catch-22 to me.

On an entirely different note, it's quite literally freezing outside right now. I shut off the sprinkler systems so I don't wake up to ice sculptures in the morning. And no, I'm not watching the Oscars.

Under the weather

It's supposed to snow here this weekend.

I realize to most of the country, that statement isn't really significant - considering I know people whose multi-story houses were quite literally buried, a few inches on the ground is more of a joke than a calamity.

This, however, is Los Angeles - or near-enough, anyway. We had a little bit of snow the weekend of New Year's, but it was almost summer weather there for a month or so. It's been colder lately, and this weekend we're supposed to have the magic combination of another monster rainstorm combined with sub-freezing temps at the 1600' range.

That means snow on them thar hills, and that I'll be trapped for the weekend (I live at about 1800', but the passes from here to pretty much anywhere go up to at least 2000'). That isn't necessarily bad, of course - nothing like a forced weekend at home to relax. But it'll be unusual anyway.

On the home front, I've slipped into my big-boy pants long enough to make significant progress towards getting all my debts paid off and moving out (to less snow-prone areas). I'm still on the original targets I set, which involve apartment-hunting in late March and April, and moving before the end of May. It may not seem like much, but for someone who makes a good living explicitly so he doesn't have to grow up, playing "adult" for any duration is pretty exhausting.

I can't wait to be done with all this "responsible behavior" crap and get back to being silly.

Lift and tuck

Well, it's been a while.

My lack-of-consistent-posting is mainly due to the new job. [Insert Company Here] (I may abbreviate that as [ICH]) keeps me pretty busy during the day with stuff I actually like doing, especially when compared to the old company where I spent 80% of my time sitting around waiting for the disasters that would occupy the other 20% (but take 100% of my energy). Here, I'm busy doing moderately-difficult things most of the day.

So, whereas at the old company I had time to goof off (and in fact spent a good portion of any day "goofing off", since I was constantly in a hurry-up-and-wait mode), I don't really have that now. Which is good, of course, but also means I generally only get to blog at night.

So, anyway, that's the sob story.

I think I mentioned before that I'm getting back into working out. I've acquired, over the years, a decent dumbell set and a barbell; that means I can to a lot of stuff at home. However, the one thing I always wanted to work on and always found difficult without the proper equipment was my chest. You can only do certain exercises that efficiently target the chest muscles, and many of those require a bench or other equivalent so you can lower the weights down to chest level.

Well, I finally ordered a folding weight bench. It'll collapse down and be stored under a bed or in a closet or something, but it'll still do the job of letting me do real dumbell presses (and even has various inclination/declination settings).

Since a lack of progress in the pectoral region is usually what disuades me from exercising, here's hoping I can really stick with it this time. I'm not looking to get muscle-man buff, but I think more definition than I currently have would be a very good thing.