Voices carry

Ugh.

So, math test last Wednesday.  I know I screwed up at least part of one problem, and walking out of the test, I felt like that was the only issue.

I think we're getting them back today - in just over an hour, actually - and all day my anxiety level has been ramping up.  If I got partial credit and that was the only thing I missed, I probably got mid-90s.  If I didn't get partial credit or I messed up on something else, best I can hope for is likely a 90.  If both, then less than 90.  And as the day goes on, the little voices just keep ratcheting up.

"I probably blew it.  This is going to be my lowest score ever.  I'm going to start off the semester with a B - or worse - and spend the rest trying to catch up.  I won't be able to catch up.  I'm going to get a B in the class, and it'll be the first in the slide down.  I won't get the grades I need.  I'm a failure.  Of course I blew it."

I know it isn't rational, but *because* it's not rational pointing that out isn't useful.  I mean, yes, there's a chance I got a B - of course there is - but I don't think so.  I just don't know how he grades.  There's also some (limited) extra credit, as well as the fact that he drops the lowest test score.

But this is important to me, and because it's important, the OCD really hammers down.

I'm not going to post this until after class - I'll update it with the actual grade.  But writing it down helps, at least a little.  Getting it out of my head, even just temporarily, makes it a little less powerful.

Anyway, off to class.

***

So, a 92/100. A-.  That's worse than I wanted to do, but still an A, so I'll live.  The mistakes were silly, and if I took the same test again, I likely wouldn't make them.  Hopefully this will be my lowest score.  It also doesn't include any extra credit points (which don't count until the end of the semester), so realistically, I'm probably at a 95% or higher in the class right now.

What's scary is that I apparently got the only A.  Which means I also have the only A in the class at this point.  I fully suspect that the next class session will have about half as many people in attendance.  The professor seemed pretty depressed, actually.  I think he took the general failure of the students personally.

Oh well, I know now, and the anxiety of anticipation is gone.  Up, up, and away.