Bartender, make it a double

There are days when I wish I could drink.

Today is one of those days.

A friend's numerous question life decisions seem like they're finally catching up with him.  Friend is rapidly running out of options, mostly financially, and this is starting to have emergency-room-level consequences on his health.  Friend is looking at losing quite literally everything he owns in 30-60 days (happy new year).

Friend sees me as the only person who can stop this.  I've done this before, in other instances of the same situation - at least, from his perspective.  From mine, it's been totally different.  Still, I can tell he believes I can do it and that it's my duty to do it.

I can't do it.  I've damn near destroyed myself doing it before, and I had far less going on then.  I can't go through this again.  But he's also right, because if I don't, there isn't any other person who will.  If I don't do it, and he doesn't get really lucky really fast (which isn't likely), he's SOL.

This is complicated by a lot of factors.  I've had a lot go right in my life - and some decently horrendous wrong, to be fair, but by and large most people would be envious.  A lot of that "going right" can be tied back to various levels of privilege and some simple luck.  Friend has had a lot go wrong in his life, especially since I've known him, and that places a social burden on me to try and even the score, as it were.

At the same time, though, friend has had a whole lot of opportunities and has generally botched most of them - at least a few times because he was trying to game the system and get even more.  Friend has a sense of entitlement that rivals any political aristocracy: he feels, quite literally, that the world owes him success and comfort simply because he's "brilliant".  He's never had a "real" job, so he has no unemployment or social security coming - he flat-out refuses to acknowledge that "self-employment taxes" (the SDI and SSI you pay when self-employed) exist and so has never paid anything towards them.  I'm not even sure if he could qualify for state supplemental, because he's been getting paid under the table for years and they might discover that (anyone who can do a little math would discover it).

So I'm caught between several feelings: angry that he's in this situation, frustrated with him for trying to put it all on me, duty-bound to help him, really annoyed for feeling like I'm duty-bound to risk everything to help him...

And now, the stress from all this has resulted in him ending up in the emergency room.

Like I said, I need a drink.  Because tomorrow he's going to ask, and I'm going to say no, and it's going to be ugly, but that's the only answer I can give.

He reminds me of Guildenstern: "We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered."  But I will not play Rosencrantz.  I know better this time.

Through a glass darkly

I had my eyes dilated as part of an eye exam a few days ago.  After using the "bar light" to examine my retina, the doctor pulled back and immediately said, "Alright, you're ready to go."

As I tried to blink away the massive green blobs that now obscured my vision, I muttered, "Says you..."

She laughed.

It's been probably 6 or 7 years since I've had my eyes checked; as I've got vision coverage at my current job, I've been thinking about getting new glasses for a while.  I finally scheduled the appointment and went in last week.

I don't really need glasses - a fact that was reinforced by this exam.  I'm technically nearsighted, but my correction in both eyes is -0.25 diopters - quite literally the smallest prescription that can be done.  I've also got a very slight astigmatism in my left eye - again, -0.25 at 13 degrees.  In fact, my new prescription is weaker than my last one.

My reading vision is awesome: 20/16 unaided (that's 16 point font at 20 feet, whereas 20/20 is 20 point font at 20 feet).

However, I'm really sensitive to light.  As soon as I sat down in the chair, she looked at me, said, "You're really sensitive to light, aren't you?" and flipped off the overhead lights.

"Yes, actually," I replied.  "What's wrong with my eyes that you can tell that so easily?"

"Oh, nothing's wrong.  You just have really light irises.  Well, they're dark on the outside, but they get very pale as they move inward."

As such, sunglasses are really important to me.  In fact, even the "night-time glasses" I got for driving will be photochromatic and react to headlights and such.  I'll also use them for computer use: most of the time, I sit far enough away from my monitor that reading the screen no longer counts as "reading distance" (at home, I'm about 2.5 feet from the screen) and the anti-glare and tinting can help reduce strain.

I should have them in a week or two.  I might take pictures of both and post 'em.

Step right up

I get really tired of "selling".

Okay, I'm not really in sales, but I sort of am.  I work on a project that requires others to be actively engaged in order to increase adoption.  Right now, we've got about 10% coverage of the institution; for a variety of regulatory reasons, we need to have 100% adoption by the end of 2015 or so.

There are a lot of problems.  One is that we really don't have the staff (on my department's side) to handle a 10-fold increase in the traffic my project generates.  Of course, if we can't show the immediate need for more staff, we won't get it, so we have to push ourselves beyond what we can realistically handle and hope someone decides we're worthy of additional support.

Another problem is the aforementioned engagement: rolling out this project to any new area involves some minor-but-not-zero annoyance and extra work for some already-heavily-worked staff.  It also requires higher-up decision-makers who aren't used to being told what to do to follow our procedures for certain things.  Now, they're the ones who will be hit with the regulatory fines and such, so we have some leverage there, but the carrot is always preferable to the stick.

The net result is that, at least for as long as I've been here, every time I get asked to do a presentation my management "forces" me to turn it into something of a "sales" presentation - who we are (in repetitive detail), why we're awesome, etc.

I understand the reasoning.  I don't even necessarily disagree with it.  I just hate doing it.

The fundamental aspect of sales is convincing people to do something they aren't necessarily inclined to do (otherwise there's no salesmanship needed).  It is, in its distilled form, a kind of manipulation.  That's what bothers me: I have spent a lot of time telling myself, over and over, that manipulation is bad and not something I should be doing.  As someone who is borderline sociopathic, it's really important that I do what I can do internalize this message; the consequences otherwise can be ugly.

And yet, here I am in a situation where I have to relax that inhibition.  The problem isn't that I'm bad at sales (read: manipulation); the problem is that it comes all too naturally to me.  So I end up being really good at doing something that makes me feel really sleazy and very nervous.  And getting cheered and congratulated for activities that feel immoral.

Written for friends

"One for the road?" she asks me,
A sad-sweet smile on her face.
And as I turn to her to reply,
It all seems so out of place.
Here there were dreams that were spoken;
Here there were tales that were spun:
An ocean of tears that were shed here,
A mountain of deeds that were done.
Friendships were made out of strangers,
And causes were wrought out of strife,
The good and the bad and the indifferent:
All of the flavors of life.
But nothing is ever forever,
And eventually time wounds all heals,
The judgment of aeons is final,
And the magistrate hears no appeals.
For those who now gather belongings
And prepare to journey away
Are not who they were when they entered
Through the very same doors yesterday:
Changed for the worse or the better,
But changed they are none-the-less,
And while we differ differently,
We're linked by that differentness.
... The lights are turned up to their brightest
And the trash and debris can be seen
Gathering up in the corners
And strewn all about the scene.
The staff have begun their duties
Putting the place to rest,
They've changed as much as the patrons,
And I know they're doing their best
But closing is different from closure
And the bartender's sad-sweet smile
Begs one last moment of sucrease
To put off the end for a while.
So I sit back down on my stool
And say as she turns to the shelf.
"One for the memories instead, please.
The road can manage for itself."

Slowly Ripening

Wow, it's been a while.

Uhm, let's see.  Still haven't worked on the pictures from the trip this year.  Just haven't had the energy.  Well, that, and FFXIV has been around, so I've been doing the beta and now, for the last week, playing it live.  I'll burn out on it here shortly and get around to doing other things.  The upcoming three-day-weekend may do it, actually.

Some of the gardening stuff is starting to come in. My garlic was basically a failure, but I predicted that: it just didn't get enough time in the ground to really form cloves before it got hot.  The "rounds" are a decent second, though, and I'm drying them now.  I'm getting (very small) Scotch Bonnets every few days, so I'm storing them up to make stuff with later; the one plant I transplanted is bushing out well, so I know what to do for next year.  Picked my first cayenne pepper yesterday.  The mini bells are multiplying and should start ripening in a week or so.  no Thai chili peppers yet; one plant is still around, but I haven't seen it fruit at all.

Tomatoes.  Well, one is starting to ripen; it'll be the first I pick. It's not one of the larger ones, though it's off the tallest plant.  It's probably about 4-5 inchest across; the largest on any of the four vies right now is about 6-7 inches across and still growing, literally filling my hand when I "cup" it.  But oh my god these things are taking a lot of water: each planter has two tomato vines, and I'm pouring two gallons of water into each planter's reservoir every two days.  Since the water is stored *under* the soil and there's a thick layer of mulch, there's very little evaporation taking place.  So, that's half a gallon of water per plant per day.  Even the peppers are taking a lot, albeit not nearly that much.  It's been in the 90s the past week, though, so that has probably increased the amount of water they need.

Work's been interesting.  I've been included in two grants that were submitted for funding (no word yet), and I'm probably going to have my name on publications around a third.  One "side" project I've been working here is finally taking shape, so we'll see how it develops.

I've been emailing back and forth with a couple guys online, but I haven't even really wanted to try to go on a date in months.  Might just be the heat, or post-vacation letdown, or who-knows-what, but I've been pretty apathetic lately about most things.  I still hang out with the one friend every Saturday night, but even with that, I'd really rather blow him off and just stay home.

Part of it is probably that I'm still helping out around my parents' house periodically.  Stepdad's doing a lot better: pretty much the only lasting effects are *improved* kidney function (Mom's still not really believing it, though he's had two tests now with +10% functionality over what he had before) and his left wrist being bad (from where they didn't realize he'd broken it for two weeks).  Still, the wrist thing keeps him from being able to do some tasks, like start a lawn mower.  So, I'm still on a regular go-over-and-mow-the-lawn-and-do-other-stuff schedule.  Don't get me wrong; I don't mind helping out.  I think, though, it's the regular need to help out that is the problem, psychologically.  I've always had this thing of wanting to be wanted but hating to be needed and it's probably coming into play here.

Oh well.  Still waiting for the lottery investment to pay off. 

Hexagram 23

I participate in a few different groups and forums, a few related to game-specific topics (at least generally), a few on general topics.  Two are "safe space" forums, with the intention that people have somewhere to go for emotional, psychological, and/or financial support as well as all the lolcats and such.

One of these is in the process of imploding.

It started with someone trying to preemptively diffuse rumors, and ended up with a bunch of people who generally get along saying really hurtful things (deliberately or otherwise) to or about each other.  This began yesterday (I think; I've been tied up in work since I've been back, so less attentive to such things), and already today we've got longstanding members (who actively needed the safe space as a support group) who have dropped out, others thinking of leaving, and a few people who have been so upset by events that serious, legitimate concerns about self-harm have arisen (they've been contacted and are getting help).

Now, I missed the start due to work stuff and general "back from vacation"-ness.  By the time I realized what was going on, it has escalated to a point where I couldn't participate without making things worse (I have specific experience in my past with the kind of situation that was the flashpoint, but the facts of the situation would have just pissed off everyone rather than helping in any way).  And now, I'm not even sure I want to stick around.  I like these people, but the (very legitimate) drama and fighting and such isn't something I'm comfortable participating in or even watching.  I'm thinking, at this point, I'll probably just stop posting and, once whatever resolution comes around, just quietly slip away: member lists are watched, so if I drop out now, it'll be noticed and probably just escalate the collapse.  I don't want it to collapse - again, some people need this space for mental and emotional support - but I also don't know that it's someplace I want to be in anymore.

Yay for internet stuff.

Anyway, I'm back from vacation, at least physically.  Work's been pretty intense as I catch up - nothing really "went wrong" while I was gone, but there were a few things that had to wait for me.  Also, super-secret (not really) beta I'm in is finishing up the last phase before open beta, so I'm actually able to play it for 5 days in a row this week (which means I'm getting nothing else done).

Plants mostly survived; two of my tomatoes are already almost a foot and a half tall and producing flowers (after about a month), so apparently I'm doing something right.  I had caterpillars in one of the planters (for a type of moth, not horn worms) that pretty much shredded one of my
basil plants and chewed holes in a lot of the tomato leaves, but they've been ejected; I haven't seen any new holes since then.

Next planned trip is Blizzcon in November.

On the night shift

I'm in a small cottage in the middle of a coffee plantation / rainforest on the Big Island of Hawai'i.  It's 9 pm at night.  It's raining (it's a rainforest; it's what they do).

And the chorus is going.

If you've ever listed to one of those "rainforest at night" sleep/white noise tapes, believe me when I say they don't do it justice unless you have the volume turned up loud enough to wake the neighbors.  I've been sleeping extremely well.

My days, not so well.  I mean, my birthday wasn't bad - woke up, spend the morning playing a beta I'm in, then drove across the island to take a lava tour.  That was fun - it's not often you get to have the world's biggest birthday candle.  I didn't try to blow it out though.

But on the way back, I started feeling... off.  Woke up Saturday with a stuffy nose and sore throat.  Sore throat's gone, but still congested, and a 1-mile-each-way walk to a nearby restaurant kicked my ass (whereas I normally walk 4-5 miles for fun).  So, I cancelled my limited plans anyway and just lounged around; tomorrow, I may try driving a bit to see what I can see.  One stop may be the Mauna Kea visitor's center (not going to get to the summit - trouble breathing at sea level doesn't bode well for 15000 feet - but I can at least see the touristy stuff).  I may make it a volcano day and stop at Volcano National Park on the way back (passed it on Friday to/from the lava tour, but didn't have time/energy to stop).  The result would basically be circumnavigating Mauna Loa, but nothing wrong with that.

The place I'm staying at is really a cottage on a coffee plantation.  It's pretty isolated and private; there's a hot tub and lanai where I've been getting some sun (when I'm feeling up to it).  I didn't realize how much of a "rainforest" it was until the first morning I was here, when I realized that the 15 minutes I'd spent outside the night before resulted in quite literally 29 mosquito bites on my legs.  They're mostly healed away now, but I still have the red splotches.

Self-imposed isolation here is actually probably just what I needed.  I mean, Saturday was planned to stay in anyway (the beta I'm in is only open for a couple days a week, and I'm really enjoying it) (hey, it's my vacation, I can spend my time in Hawaii playing video games if I want), but I knew I'd likely have limited socialization while I'm here, and that's fine.  Gives me a recharge after a few months of being emotional support for people.

I'm on this island until Wednesday, anyway, then flying to Maui - where there'll likely be a lot of socializing, or at least the opportunity for it, for four nights.

I think I may have one more trip to the big island, but over to the Hilo side next time.  But that's for later.

Running low

So, I'm borderline APD.  That's Antisocial Personality Disorder - the clinical diagnosis for people who we casually call "sociopaths".

The ICD-10 description:

Personality disorder, usually coming to attention because of a gross disparity between behaviour and the prevailing social norms, and characterized by at least 3 of the following:
(a) callous unconcern for the feelings of others;
(b) gross and persistent attitude of irresponsibility and disregard for social norms, rules and obligations;
(c) incapacity to maintain enduring relationships, though having no difficulty in establishing them;
(d) very low tolerance to frustration and a low threshold for discharge of aggression, including violence;
(e) incapacity to experience guilt and to profit from experience, particularly punishment;
(f) marked proneness to blame others, or to offer plausible rationalizations, for the behaviour that has brought the patient into conflict with society.

(a) - Not so much "callous", though I have to actually think about the fact that other people have feelings to account for them.
(b) - Disregard, yes; irresponsibility, depends on who you ask.
(c) - Arguable.  I have some long-term relationships, but they're largely superficial by others' standards.
(d) - Totally non-violent, but I get frustrated pretty easily.
(e) - My lack of guilt is notorious.  My mother learned early on that "punishment" was useless on me.  I had to be educated why something was wrong or bad, not just punished.
(f) - One that I definitely don't have, for obvious reasons.

So, I have most of the basic underlying characteristics.  As a teenager, I probably qualified for (a) and (b) almost totally.

Anyway, the point is that without my conscious efforts against this sort of thing - and it's very definitely energy expended and conscious effort - I slip more into the sociopathic personality.  It's a big part of why "people", in general, tire me out.

Since my step-dad's accident - wait.  I haven't talked about that in a while.  So, update time.

So, when last we met, step-dad was in the hospital.  They kept him almost totally sedated for like 2 weeks while his lungs healed.  Once it was time to ween him off of the respirator, they had to let him wake up - which wasn't at all fun for him.  But, he got off of it.  They discovered that - in addition to breaking his pelvis, cracking a vertebra, and breaking all his ribs - that he'd also broken his left wrist.  Of course, they didn't discover this until after 17 days or so, so it will likely never be the same though he'll still have some use of it.

He was transferred from the ER to an in-plan facility, where he didn't actually stay long; they basically said, "He's healing, there's not much else that can be done, let's get him to rehab."  "Rehab" is a nice name for a nursing home.  He was there less than a week until he had to get checked back into the hospital because of blood pressure issues (the new meds they insisted on him using were causing major blood pressure drops).  When he left the hospital the second time - after only one night's stay - they sent him home.

Mom got a hospital bed for the downstairs, and the first two nights I stayed over; I basically didn't sleep for 72 hours or so.  The problems were many.  To start with, his sleep cycle was all screwed up from the hospitals.  Second, with the neck collar on, he was having severe sleep apnea and couldn't sleep for more than an hour or so at a time.

Third and possibly the most complicating, he wanted to get better and started to "push" himself to do things.  He couldn't really do this during the day, as mom was being protective to the point of inhibitory.  So, he did them at night, when I was around.  My policy - as I told him the first time he got up to walk himself down the hallway to the bathroom - was that I wouldn't stop him or interfere but that I was there if he needed help.  Mom found out about this at one point and threw a fit, but I successfully defused her and sent her back to bed.

So, I was basically up all night both nights, "just in case": I had to rescue him a couple of times, but nothing too bad.  Mostly, though, he learned not only that he had limits but that they were much further than even he thought they might be, so his progress the next week was even better.

The problem was that I was also needed during the day, to do some basic work around the house and help my mom out with things.  So, from getting up to go to work on Thursday until getting home Saturday at 11ish, I slept about 3 or 4 hours, mostly in short breaks.  Saturday morning (and by arrangements prior to knowing he'd be home then, so it worked out well), I picked up his sister from the airport; she stayed with them for a week, freeing me up to go to work.

Still I've been there every weekend and been "an ear" for my mom to vent to when she needs.  Which means that, as I was saying a half-dozen paragraphs up, since my step-dad's accident, I've been "forced" into social roles almost constantly (between work and taking care of them).  The effect of this has been mental exhaustion, something I only put two and two together to come up with this last week.

One side-effect: my plants.  See, the OCD is usually kept under control by force of will: I tend to catch myself obsessing and mitigate it.  The plant stuff started about 10 days after the accident and has been a constant thing since.  There are times (looking back, those times when I was most exhausted) where I would literally check on seedlings or the outdoor plants every 20-30 minutes.  I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about breeding garlic or buying more plants to do something else with.  I actually killed one rosemary bush by over-watering.  Lest people think, "at least it's something innocuous," I've also spent probably $1200 on various pots and equipment and such - all just to grow some peppers and spices and tomatoes.

Now, most of that effort - and money - can be leveraged for years to come.  But it's the kind of thing that wouldn't happen except I don't have the mental energy to fight it (or even recognize it). I've also been slipping more into sociopath-mode for the same period; mostly, this shows up as being more short-tempered and less "personable" at the office and with friends.  I'm not working as diligently on some of my projects as I should be, and I keep coming up with "new" projects to do (mostly gardening related).

In 15 days, I fly off to Hawaii for 10 days.  I'm still going to my parents' house this weekend (father's day) and next weekend (mowing the lawn), but hopefully things will be largely back to normal by the time I get back (he really is progressing well).  I really need this vacation.

Lay of the land

So, I've moved things around a little bit and added a couple of pots since this was taken about 2 weeks ago, but this is roughly my balcony.

The two "strawberry pots" at either end (the 3-tier ones) are the herb pots.  So far I've got sprouts or plants for rosemary, oregano, basil, dill, cilantro, savory, and mustard (in a different pot since it gets big and messy, but it's not pictured).  I've yet to see sprouts for marjoram, thyme, chives, garlic chives, parsley, or sage, but since most of the rest already sprouted, they should be coming soon.  For most of the herbs, I soaked the seeds first (up to 24 hours; some less), which is supposed to help them sprout faster.  The only herb I didn't grow from seeds is the rosemary, and that's because I couldn't find any (it's apparently a controlled plant in some states).  The first one, I nearly killed by overwatering, but (after re-planting) it seems like it might come back.  I bought a second though, just in case.

The four smaller pots (10", but you can't tell) in the corners are Scotch Bonnet peppers; I got those as plants, simply because I couldn't find seeds for them anywhere.  They're still doing well.

The two tiny pots in the middle are just a couple of cacti that my ex-roommate left.

The four planters are, from far to near, mini bell peppers, cayenne peppers, thai chili peppers, and garlic.  The peppers haven't sprouted yet, but I didn't know to soak them beforehand (they got planted a few days before the herbs).  The garlic has started to sprout: of the 14 or so cloves I planted, 2 are already shooting up stalks; it's a variety called Silver Rose, which is apparently really well-suited for southern California.

I'm also trying to grow some tomatoes from seeds; my first attempt ended horribly (too hot/too wet), so I'm trying again with a more controlled environment and not overwatering.

All the pots except the strawberry pots are "self-watering": they have reserves in the bottom that soak up through the soil.  I have actual watering systems for the herbs, so that they get enough-but-not-too-much water going forward.  The key to ADHDgardening is to make sure it can survive in spite of me :)

Anyway, there's my "garden".  The big blue thing is obviously my hammock.

Not quite the walled garden

On the lighter side...

I'm trying to grow stuff.  This is probably a bad idea, but whatever.

See, my apartment has a balcony that faces south and I'm on the top floor of a 3-story building.  Since I'm in the northern hemisphere, this means it gets a lot of sunlight - so much so that it actually heats up my living room a fair bit, even with the overhang.  Which is also there, so that while in the winter I get a lot of sun, in the summer, I get sun in the morning and the evening but not at high noon (because the overhang shields most of the patio).

This, combined with the moderate weather of southern California, makes the balcony pretty much the ideal place to grow stuff.  At least in theory.

The first step was to get a covering for the balcony floor, since it's just concrete and that's both ugly and hot.  This was done with fake green grass - cheap stuff, but it works pretty well.  Once I did that, I thought, "hrm, it'd be nice to have some planters or such..."; the rest, as they say, is history.

At this point, I have four 24" planters, 5 10" pots, 1 12" pot, and a couple of 12"x3 level "strawberry pots".  Yeah, never give an OCD person a new toy to play with.

In actual plants, I have 4 scotch bonnet peppers and a rosemary bush.  The SBs are doing awesome, as far as I can tell: there's new growth and such.  The rosemary is looking a little unhappy, but that may be me over-watering it, so I'm going to change some stuff when I get home.  The rest of the pots and planters and such were planted with seeds: cayenne and thai chili peppers, some mini bell peppers, some garlic that does really well in the area, and a broad assortment of herbs.  I'm also trying to get some tomato seedlings to start in the second bedroom-cum-greenhouse (it's the hottest room anyway, so it works).

So far, none of the seeds have sprouted, but that's pretty typical for most of them.  The exception is the basil - that should have started showing by now (it's been about 4-5 days).  I'll give it until the weekend, probably, and then maybe try starting some seedlings indoors first (depending on how the tomatoes do, though I may have screwed those up by letting them dry out).  I've got extra seeds for everything but the SBs (which are fine) and the rosemary, so I can start over entirely if needed.

However, since I know me, I also got self-watering pots and planters and, for the ones that aren't, an automated watering system (which is what I have to adjust for the rosemary; I need to move the spout and probably reduce the frequency).  ADHD gardening at its finest.

We'll see how this all works out.  Assuming I get some signs of greenery here in the next week, I'll take snaps and post 'em.