Random stimulation

So, it's late, it's been a long weekend (I worked a decent portion of it), and I'm tired. But, I'm also hyper.

I'm what is clinically called "ADHD"; I don't necessarily think of it as a "disorder", but that's what it's called. Anyway, most people don't generally notice because I'm pretty much *always* sipping a soda (usually zero-cal) and that takes the "edge" off; see, stimulants actually act contrary to how you'd expect in many people with ADHD, and in my case, they actually help me focus. It has to do with activation thresholds and such.

When I'm at home, I tend to drink water or ginger ale, neither of which has caffeine. No caffeine for a day and I start to get hyper/distractable. Of course, no caffeine for a week and the ASD-type symptoms start coming out; I don't get grumpy, per se, at least not after the first few days. I do, however, get far less social (hard to believe, I know) and far more precise.

One time I got to that stage when a few years ago when I was kicking off my first big diet: I didn't drink anything but water or juices for a month. I felt great and got a lot done, but I was only sleeping about 4 hours a night and my coworkers later told me they wanted to kill me. Apparently, in my "normal" state, my productivity skyrockets and my empathy drops below zero.

So anyway, on Sundays, by the end of the day, I'm usually starting to feel it. Sometimes, it's not so bad. Sometimes it's really bad. Tonight, it's moderate. To counteract it enough to get to bed, I'm sipping a cup of Kona coffee. Which is very weird to most people - I'm drinking a cup of coffee to help me sleep rather than keep me awake. My mom's the same way, though.

Just a random note for the night. Hope everyone had a good weekend, and has a good week.

Pre-planning meeting

Okay, I admit it. I may be swinging over to the dark side.

I actually went to Craigslist.

(Please forgive me)

So, the deal is that I'm starting to look at apartments - or, to be more accurate, starting look at places to look for apartments. That's the trouble, really. Most of the places you'd look just don't have that many listings for where I want to be, or when they do they're on the high end. That's because they usually charge the rental companies to list or fees when a place is rented through them, so only the higher-end places will afford it.

I've probably been through 10 or 15 different sites and options, and they all have variations of the same listings. So, I decided to go the more local-rag-mag route. I figure Craigslist falls in about the same category (at least for rentals).

So, yeah, that's the logic. And boy howdy does it seem to be right. I mean, there's probably less "management" of the listings on Craigslist (there're a lot of duplicates), but there are so many more listings that it doesn't matter. I'm not quite ready to start hitting the pavement - I need to wait a week or two for funds - but at least now I've got a lot more options.

... Everyone here's probably getting sick of me writing about moving and/or debt. So, here's something different.

Where should I take my vacation this year? I've already scheduled off 6/25 through 7/4, so I've got 9 nights to play with. Here are some of the options.

1) Go someplace I've been and like (namely, Maui, Guerneville, or Big Bear)
2) Go someplace similar to a place I've been and like but still local-ish, but to where I haven't specifically been (like, Yosemite, Florida Keys, maybe the Caribbean)
3) Go someplace completely new (?)
4) A staycation at (hopefully) my new apartment

So, (1) is obviously the safe option. I've actually checked out Guerneville, and the resort I like is all booked up (already!), so it'd have to be Maui or a cabin in Big Bear. I just don't know if I want to go back to Maui again. It's fun, and it's relaxing, and there's still a couple of things I want to do there, but it's pretty expensive (and I should be spending most of my money on the new place, at least for a while).

(2) I've been seriously considering. Namely, I've been checking out clothing-optional gay resorts in Key West and Ft. Lauderdale, as well as some stuff in the Caribbean. Still expensive though not quite as bad as Maui/Hawaii, and mostly new.

The problem with (3) is that, with most of the places I want to go and haven't been to yet, I haven't been to them yet because it takes so long to get there that a week's vacation isn't really enough. Plus, now we're talking really expensive, especially since I like flying first class. I suppose I could change it up and go to NYC or someplace like that (I generally don't "do" cities on my time off).

The adult answer would be (4). It's the cheapest and the most practical. But part of me is tired of being practical and wants a little bit of silliness.

I think I'm leaning towards Maui again or somewhere like Florida, if only because I feel the need for a full-body tan and, frankly, I don't do enough "gay" things. I'll have to keep an eye on flight prices to Maui; I actually might be able to swing a free flight one way with the miles I have on Hawaiian, so that's an option too. To Florida, I could almost guaranteed swing a free flight (I've got almost 90k miles on American).

Anyone have other suggestions?

Out of the blue (green?)

Yay for free money!

... well, not exactly.

See, I quit my last job on 12/31/2010. This had nothing to do with closing the year out or a free holiday or anything; it was simply that my new job's healthcare started 3/1, and I wanted my COBRA to be in even month increments.

A side-effect, however, is that I technically finished out the calendar year. This means that, by the book, I qualified for my bonus. Now, I'm a realist: the old company was not thrilled with me quitting, even giving 3 weeks notice, so I placed the odds of getting my bonus as "close enough to zero that you couldn't slide a piece of paper between the two."

Well, an ex-coworker who is in the old HR department, who I'm decent friends with, and whom I've been helping with issues that have come up since I left told me a few weeks ago that she was submitting my bonus paperwork; it didn't mean anyone would approve it, but it was worth a shot.

It was approved. So, I'm getting an extra few thousand dollars that technically I earned but never expected to receive.

This means that, as of tomorrow morning, my credit card is completely paid off. By the time I get my next consulting check, I'll be $4k-5k in the black and *really* ready to move out.

Which means I need to ramp up my housing search faster than I'd expected - a good thing, yes, but now that it's really going to happen a little nerve-wracking. Oh, well, just need to bite the bullet and do it.

You know, it's a little odd when you've planned something for a year and it actually happens, ahead of schedule even. I feel like I've won a small pot in the lottery, but it's all been planned and arranged.

We're havin' a heat wave...

So, we have this big presentation we're supposed to do for the department yesterday. I decide it's probably appropriate to wear a suit.

Of course it ends up being the hottest day in 6 months, to the point of breaking records. Of course.

It's April 1st. I won't pull any jokes; I've never really been into it. I have, of course, helped a few others plan out things: my job, after all, revolves around coming up with ways of getting things done. We'll see how bad the fallout is.

However, first of April also means I'm that much closer to moving: this month I start actively looking. Time to sign up for all those rental companies, dig through magazines, and in general spend a lot of time being disappointed in offerings. I want to have an agreement signed before June if at all possible.

I don't think I mentioned this last time, but I actually did the responsible thing (horror of horrors) and went through my credit reports. Everything seems to be in order. They don't give you an actual score (at least not for free), but running the data through a quick estimating system put me at about 750ish - and that was still with a heavy-ish balance on one card at the time of my last statement. I've paid even more off and will have it completely paid off by the middle of April, so I assume a credit check won't be a problem.

(I'm actually thinking of celebrating a little when I get my card paid off. I'd go on a shopping spree, but that seems a little ironic...)

This weekend should be nice enough to get out of the house and do something. I'd love to go hiking - just have to find a trail to hit. I've got a book of them, so, it's more a matter of picking something and going than anything complex.

Other than that, it's springtime in Los Angeles. The sun is shining, the grass is green, the orange and palm trees sway... er, wait, that's a Christmas song. Anyway, for all you folks getting pounded on by the snow storm today, just remember: it's 70-something in SoCal, and I'll be having lunch in the park. So there. Nyah.

Sunshine peaking through

Well, it's raining again, but at least I'm not sick.

Or less sick. That bug I got (whatever it was) lasted a full week. I haven't been that ill since 1999; even the H1N1 last January wasn't that bad. I don't think it was a flu, though, because I never got the typical soreness-headache I get from the flu.

Yesterday was the first day I came back to work (this being a hospital, they're a little anal about the whole "infectious diseases" thing), and I was exhausted by the afternoon. Today, not so bad. I still have a little bit of the sniffles, but I'm being careful with tissues and such as well as using hand sanitizer (which I usually abhor, but in this case I'm doing it for others, not myself).

It'll be raining this weekend, but oh well. I'll probably be sleeping.

... When I'm not working, anyway. I think I've mentioned my consulting gig; it's starting to get busy, which means the next few months are going to be pretty hectic for me. Oh well, they're paying me. Or, at least, they should be paying me - she's not quite late with the February payment, but if I don't have something by Saturday I'm going to send an email to check (she will be late by the 1st). I'm a bit axious for this check, because it's the last one that'll hit my statements before I start apartment hunting and, since it'll lower my debt-to-credit ratio, it'll improve my credit rating. Plus, you know, I owe quarterly taxes by the 15th.

Moving. Yeah. I'm starting to "look" online, getting narrower ideas of where I want to look and where I should (not "can", but "should") afford to live - and, luckily, the points that overlap between them. I think I can get a decent place in the $1400 range in a neighborhood I like; I've found a few places with everything I pretty much want for that.

The "downside", of course, is that I'm going to have someone living with me for the first few months. I promised a friend that I'd give him a rent-free place to stay for 6 months so he can try and rebuild his finances. So, I'm not quite going to have the free lifestyle I want, but it might actually be a good thing: this'll provide a bit of a mental buffer between old and new. We'll see how it works out. He's not going on the lease or anything, paying no rent, and bringing in no (or very limited) furniture, so there's no doubt about the fact that it's my place, not his. He's okay with this.

We'll see if we're still okay with it at month 3.

Spring has sprung

The west coast is drowning, and I'm sick.

Been a while since I've posted, but then, not much has happened. Well, not much locally.

I came down with some cold-from-hell late last week and still have it; the on-call nurse said I don't need to see the doctor unless I get a fever, nausea, or chills. So, I'm just working from home and being mostly miserable.

We had 6 inches of rain fall in 24 hours yesterday. Yeah, it broke all sorts of records. We're supposed to be getting showers on and off until Wednesday, when another storm hits. Since we were over the annual rainfall "budget" before this storm, we're going to be well over after the next one.

Finances continue apace; I've started looking at online listings to get an idea of what's realistic and what isn't. I've found a few properties in or around the area where I want to live that are almost perfect.

Straight on 'til morning

You know (or maybe you don't), an intrinsic part of my self-image is childhood. I don't mean I think of myself as a kid - even when I was a kid, I never had the chance to think of myself as one. Or, well, rarely, anyway.

Actually, maybe it's because I didn't have much of a chance to be young that I forever feel locked in time. I constantly wobble back and forth between adulthood and childhood, but I never really belong in either.

Today, I was an adult. You can't get much more "adult" than filing a 20-page tax return or opening retirement accounts. I have a few friends I hang out with regularly, and none of them can believe the sheer complexity of my financial planning - four IRAs, multiple jobs, juggling loans and credit cards and such to maximize dollars. To me, this should all be common-knowledge: maybe it's just because my mother's a CPA that I know how to manage credit and such, but to be honest, I don't think she and I have ever had an actualy conversation about it so I don't think that's it. Apparently, though, most people don't know the basics - like the notion that it may not be in your favor to pay off a low-interest debt, depending on what rate of return you could make on investments. It's just basic math, but I guess it's not obvious to others.

Yesterday, I bought a pack of mini-cupcakes from this store in Malibu called Crumbs. It's an actual cupcake store - it's pretty much all they do. I don't really know why; I don't necessarily like desserts. But after writing all the checks and putting stamps on all the envelopes, there was something freeing about being able to stop being an adult and munch on a little cupcake for a few minutes. The kid got to come out and play.

One friend mentioned that he felt like he had Peter Pan syndrome - he never wanted to grow up. I'm not sure how you'd classify the boy who grew up too fast but then spent the rest of his life slipping back into that child-like state once in a while. I just get the urge to buy one of those bubble-blowers and go sit in the park, or build sand castles on the beach, or even just stare at the sky and try to see shapes in the clouds.

I suppose it's handy to make enough money and be responsible enough most of the time that I can afford to be irresponsible or silly others. Maybe that's the key - that we have to grow up, but just enough to fool everyone.

Turning

(Okay, last one for the day. Think of this as making up for lost time.)

I tried to run from 'neath the clouds
but all I found was rain;
It wasn't until I drank the drops
I found the sun again.

I tried to shelter from the wind
but wound up tossed and blown;
Not until I rode the breeze
did I find the calm had grown.

I tried to hide away from cold
but ice was everywhere;
As soon as I played in the snow
I found the warmth in there.

I tried to turn from darkness
but no light would shine so far;
And then, one day, I faced the night
and finally saw a star.

... from the archives

(I wrote a while ago that I found some of my old notebooks. The following is from around 1997, and fits a little with the theme of the last post.)

It isn't quite a color,
not exactly a shade,
It's not a hue or brightness
or a contrast to be made,
It isnt' really mute although
it doesn't make a sound
A presence always felt
even if it's never found
It comes and goes at will
although it never really leaves
And I can't say that it's credible
though everyone believes
It's something less than nothing
meanwhile nothing less than all
And of the greatest magnitude
even when it is quite small.


Show me a man who has never loved, and I'll show you a man with few worries and fewer hopes. Our greatest scar and greatest inspiration is the broken heart, for only through giving ourselves away can we ever really have a chance to be whole.

Twinkle

... I'd gaze into the sky at night
And wish upon a satellite
So far away it twinkled bright
And played a star for me to see....


I just read a post by Justin where he talks about watching the stars with the boy he loved but could never have. It reminded me of that stanza, part of a larger poem I wrote years ago; most of the rest isn't very good, but those four lines have stuck with me for 20 years now. The only other line I remember, the last line, is: "A lilac bloomed, the star shined on."

You see, I wrote that poem the day I realized I was gay - I mean, the actual day, within hours, of realizing I was attracted to guys and what that meant. The lilac, therefore, was me - or at least that side of me. I didn't allow myself to be very emotional when I was a kid for a variety of reasons, so this whole concept of "attraction" was a big deal.

The star, though... I grew up in East L.A.; even after moving to the suburbs, the city lights were often bright enough that all you could see were the brightest of stars and satellites. I had to make do with what was available at the time.

I think we all wish on satellites ones in a while. We all allow ourselves to pretend (or at least hope) that someone or something is different than it actually is, even when we know better. We see the truth, know its essence, and still make the wish. We have to, if only for a while, pretend it's a star.

I don't see that as a bad thing. It's the basis of hope, of dreams, of aspirations. Yes, we can cause ourselves heartache and pain, but sometimes even that has its uses. And sometimes, once in a while, a satellite can play the part so well that no one need ever know it isn't really a star.