"It's like you were holding your breath... It's your turn to exhale now." -- Love, Simon
On Saturday, I told my parents that I've been accepted to UCI and that I've been going to school for three years. The response was oddly muted, more shrugged off than anything. My mom did say that I was "following in [her] footsteps", since she got her CPA at 37 or something; it kind of annoyed me, but that's just her way of making it (in at least some small way) about her, which is expected.
They also, later that evening, offered to help pay for university. I am extremely conflicted about this: I've been telling them for years that I wanted them to spend more money on themselves and not worry about any of us kids or inheritance or anything. Now that they've decided not to take any more major trips, I haven't been sure what they want to do with their money or time - but apparently this is something they want to do. On the flipside, I'd be an idiot to turn down free money, and I know they can actually afford it (my parents are, technically, millionaires if the price of the house and all their assets are included; that's the result of a lot of luck and a whole lot of hard work).
I'm really hoping I get a full-ride offer from one of the privates and thus can legitimately tell my parents I don't need the money.
This whole experience was, oddly, like coming out a second time to them. I even joked about it when I was there. In some ways, though, this was harder: most of my self-image problems and anxiety are explicitly tied to school and crap that they were at least partially responsible for, whereas being gay wasn't ever really something bad to me (I basically came out as soon as I realized).
I keep thinking about that quote. I think I'm still holding my breath a bit and will continue to do so until I actually formally make a decision on school. Of course, then I'm likely to be massively busy with moving and organizing and such, but I feel like it'll still be the moment of relief that I've needed for at least the last couple of years, if not several decades.
The other quote - that I deserve to be happy - is probably going to have to wait a while. One self-image crisis at a time, please.
EDIT:
And I just heard from Harvey Mudd that they're closing their transfer applications entirely without accepting anyone due to higher than expected traditional enrollment. They're also refunding all fees collected, which is rather cool of them. I mean, I'd rather get an acceptance letter than a check, but at least I know it wasn't an actual rejection.
So, the tally is updated to 1 for 1 of 4, with 1 disqualified.
1 for 1, of 5
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I got accepted to UCI. First school to reply, and as close to a "safety school" as I have. But I got accepted.
Whatever happens from now on, I'm going to a university in the fall.
Whatever happens from now on, I'm going to a university in the fall.
I needed that.
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Gay movies are often problematic in social awareness terms. It's not unexpected, really, and isn't to say that they're worse than more mainstream movies. The issue is usually that, in addressing one axis of oppression, other axes are often forgotten or ignored. For example, it's not unusual to have a gay movie or a black movie, but to have a gay black movie (like "Moonlight") is very unusual, at least for the moment.
Gay movies also tend to fall into three tropes: coming-out movies, almost-porn, or "unrequited/unfulfilled/broken romance" stories. I think, in practical terms, this is because most gay movies are *gay* movies rather than gay *movies* - the emphasis, from the origination, is on the sexuality of the characters, and thus the story must be focused on that sexuality. This reduces the number of options to some basic patterns.
That isn't to say that gay movies can't be fantastic or are all crappy; there are plenty of crappy ones out there, believe me. I would just like to see a few more options out there.
All that being said, I saw "Love, Simon" on Thursday night. It was an early showing, and the theater was only about a third full. There were far more teenage girls that I was expecting (I'm not sure why; that's long been an audience for romance stories in general), a fair number of adult men (40s and older by appearance, mostly gay from what I could tell) and adult women (about the same age, not necessarily seated with the older men), and - thankfully - a dozen or so guys in their teens or early twenties. I say "thankfully" because, to me, they're the ones who really needed to be there.
Surprisingly, I did too, though I didn't realize that until the end. It's a cute story, with plenty of humor and awkward moments and actually a few times when the cliched thing *wasn't* done that got laughs. It's a coming-out story in its basic form, so the arc is largely predictable, but it's still a fun journey to get to the end.
And the ending... Well, that's what I needed. Not actually anything on-screen, mind you, though it was nice to see an interracial, interfaith, on-screen gay kiss between a couple of teenage guys in a movie playing outside of art houses. No, what I needed was the reaction. It took me a second to realize it.
I was sitting in the second row of risers; in front of me was an older gay couple. One of them took out his phone and actually snapped a photo of the kiss - and I realized as he did so that it was because this was the first time something like this was happening. But then I cued into something else: the cheering. And clapping. The girls behind me were going crazy, but it sounded like most of the theater were cheering.
And I can't even type that out without getting teary-eyed. I actually started crying in the theater, not because of the love story on screen but because of the cheering.
I was the only openly-gay kid in my high school in 1992-1995. Yeah, I had a boyfriend - who went to Stanford - for a couple of years, and I certainly had gay friends outside of school (almost all older). But at school, and at home, and in my "regular" life, I was the only gay person I knew.
That kind of isolation takes its toll. It's unfortunately all too common. But I remember how excited I was when, in 1994, a movie called "The Sum of Us" came out, and it had a gay plot. I talked a friend of mine into going to see it with me - and we actually ended up going to see it just about every weekend for 6 months or so, on increasingly smaller screens as time went on. A couple years later, "Beautiful Thing" was released, but it never made it out of art houses.
But sitting in that chair Thursday night, part of me remembered being 14 and alone and feeling like I was a total outsider. And yet, here were people not only watching high school boys kiss but actually celebrating the fact. I can't really express what that means to 14-year-old-me, or what I hope it does for the modern versions of 14-year-old-me: guys just coming out or just realizing their attractions and feeling like they're alone in the world.
After I left the theater, I stood outside and discreetly watched some of the other viewers come out. When I saw the younger guys come out, they all looked like they were bottled lightning: like they wanted to scream or run around and shout or explode into a million pieces but couldn't actually figure out which to do and so did nothing. There were a smiles and the look that meant more than words could say. There was even one case of holding hands.
I would love for there to be more "normal" gay movies - action or scifi or mystery or romance or whatever where the lead(s) just happen to be gay, where being gay isn't pivotal to the plot. We need more of those. But I have to admit that, for better or worse, we still need coming out movies like this. And I hope that, all across the nation, young gay or bi guys can go into a theater, watch "Love, Simon", and hear the audience cheer at the end.
Because the cheer isn't just for Simon and his beau; it's for all of us who have been there. And we really need to hear it.
Gay movies also tend to fall into three tropes: coming-out movies, almost-porn, or "unrequited/unfulfilled/broken romance" stories. I think, in practical terms, this is because most gay movies are *gay* movies rather than gay *movies* - the emphasis, from the origination, is on the sexuality of the characters, and thus the story must be focused on that sexuality. This reduces the number of options to some basic patterns.
That isn't to say that gay movies can't be fantastic or are all crappy; there are plenty of crappy ones out there, believe me. I would just like to see a few more options out there.
All that being said, I saw "Love, Simon" on Thursday night. It was an early showing, and the theater was only about a third full. There were far more teenage girls that I was expecting (I'm not sure why; that's long been an audience for romance stories in general), a fair number of adult men (40s and older by appearance, mostly gay from what I could tell) and adult women (about the same age, not necessarily seated with the older men), and - thankfully - a dozen or so guys in their teens or early twenties. I say "thankfully" because, to me, they're the ones who really needed to be there.
Surprisingly, I did too, though I didn't realize that until the end. It's a cute story, with plenty of humor and awkward moments and actually a few times when the cliched thing *wasn't* done that got laughs. It's a coming-out story in its basic form, so the arc is largely predictable, but it's still a fun journey to get to the end.
And the ending... Well, that's what I needed. Not actually anything on-screen, mind you, though it was nice to see an interracial, interfaith, on-screen gay kiss between a couple of teenage guys in a movie playing outside of art houses. No, what I needed was the reaction. It took me a second to realize it.
I was sitting in the second row of risers; in front of me was an older gay couple. One of them took out his phone and actually snapped a photo of the kiss - and I realized as he did so that it was because this was the first time something like this was happening. But then I cued into something else: the cheering. And clapping. The girls behind me were going crazy, but it sounded like most of the theater were cheering.
And I can't even type that out without getting teary-eyed. I actually started crying in the theater, not because of the love story on screen but because of the cheering.
I was the only openly-gay kid in my high school in 1992-1995. Yeah, I had a boyfriend - who went to Stanford - for a couple of years, and I certainly had gay friends outside of school (almost all older). But at school, and at home, and in my "regular" life, I was the only gay person I knew.
That kind of isolation takes its toll. It's unfortunately all too common. But I remember how excited I was when, in 1994, a movie called "The Sum of Us" came out, and it had a gay plot. I talked a friend of mine into going to see it with me - and we actually ended up going to see it just about every weekend for 6 months or so, on increasingly smaller screens as time went on. A couple years later, "Beautiful Thing" was released, but it never made it out of art houses.
But sitting in that chair Thursday night, part of me remembered being 14 and alone and feeling like I was a total outsider. And yet, here were people not only watching high school boys kiss but actually celebrating the fact. I can't really express what that means to 14-year-old-me, or what I hope it does for the modern versions of 14-year-old-me: guys just coming out or just realizing their attractions and feeling like they're alone in the world.
After I left the theater, I stood outside and discreetly watched some of the other viewers come out. When I saw the younger guys come out, they all looked like they were bottled lightning: like they wanted to scream or run around and shout or explode into a million pieces but couldn't actually figure out which to do and so did nothing. There were a smiles and the look that meant more than words could say. There was even one case of holding hands.
I would love for there to be more "normal" gay movies - action or scifi or mystery or romance or whatever where the lead(s) just happen to be gay, where being gay isn't pivotal to the plot. We need more of those. But I have to admit that, for better or worse, we still need coming out movies like this. And I hope that, all across the nation, young gay or bi guys can go into a theater, watch "Love, Simon", and hear the audience cheer at the end.
Because the cheer isn't just for Simon and his beau; it's for all of us who have been there. And we really need to hear it.
Frustration
0 commentsCaltech hasn't gotten my high school transcripts. The high school has sent it twice, months ago, through the mail; they also sent it to Harvey Mudd College (HMC) at the same time, and Harvey Mudd got it. So, I'm not sure why Caltech hasn't. Caltech and my high school can't legally talk to one another until I'm a student at Caltech, so I have to play middle-man. Since mail hasn't worked, I'm driving out to my old school, picking up a sealed copy, and driving it down to the admissions office. Of course, since both are only open during business hours, I have to take time off of work to do this. I'm at the office right now for a meeting in a few minutes and leaving after the meeting.
On the other hand, HMC reports that they haven't gotten my current college transcripts. Those were sent to HMC and Caltech at the same time, and Caltech apparently has it, but HMC doesn't. What's more, the college ones were sent to HMC electronically via some secure system that everyone supposedly uses, so I have no idea why HMC wouldn't have gotten them. I emailed the HMC admission office a couple of days ago, but I haven't gotten a response. I'll wait until Monday before calling.
And the prof with my last recommendation for HMC said on 2/28 he'd try the online submission one more time before emailing the rec to HMC directly (which they suggested). As far as I can tell, he hasn't done either at this point, and he also hasn't responded to a email I sent a couple of days ago thanking him and asking him to let me know when he does send it so I can follow up with the school.
On top of all of this, I've actually got homework this weekend I have to do *and* I need to study for my Caltech physics test, which is Tuesday.
And I'm flat-out exhausted, mentally and physically. After dropping the transcript off, I'm probably going to go home and go to bed. I should study or do homework, but I can't do either well if I can't focus.
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