Waiting to exhale

"It's like you were holding your breath... It's your turn to exhale now."  -- Love, Simon

On Saturday, I told my parents that I've been accepted to UCI and that I've been going to school for three years.  The response was oddly muted, more shrugged off than anything.  My mom did say that I was "following in [her] footsteps", since she got her CPA at 37 or something; it kind of annoyed me, but that's just her way of making it (in at least some small way) about her, which is expected.

They also, later that evening, offered to help pay for university.  I am extremely conflicted about this: I've been telling them for years that I wanted them to spend more money on themselves and not worry about any of us kids or inheritance or anything.  Now that they've decided not to take any more major trips, I haven't been sure what they want to do with their money or time - but apparently this is something they want to do.  On the flipside, I'd be an idiot to turn down free money, and I know they can actually afford it (my parents are, technically, millionaires if the price of the house and all their assets are included; that's the result of a lot of luck and a whole lot of hard work).

I'm really hoping I get a full-ride offer from one of the privates and thus can legitimately tell my parents I don't need the money.

This whole experience was, oddly, like coming out a second time to them.  I even joked about it when I was there.  In some ways, though, this was harder: most of my self-image problems and anxiety are explicitly tied to school and crap that they were at least partially responsible for, whereas being gay wasn't ever really something bad to me (I basically came out as soon as I realized).

I keep thinking about that quote.  I think I'm still holding my breath a bit and will continue to do so until I actually formally make a decision on school.  Of course, then I'm likely to be massively busy with moving and organizing and such, but I feel like it'll still be the moment of relief that I've needed for at least the last couple of years, if not several decades.

The other quote - that I deserve to be happy - is probably going to have to wait a while.  One self-image crisis at a time, please.

EDIT:
And I just heard from Harvey Mudd that they're closing their transfer applications entirely without accepting anyone due to higher than expected traditional enrollment.  They're also refunding all fees collected, which is rather cool of them.  I mean, I'd rather get an acceptance letter than a check, but at least I know it wasn't an actual rejection.

So, the tally is updated to 1 for 1 of 4, with 1 disqualified.

1 for 1, of 5

I got accepted to UCI.  First school to reply, and as close to a "safety school" as I have.  But I got accepted.

Whatever happens from now on, I'm going to a university in the fall.

I needed that.

Gay movies are often problematic in social awareness terms.  It's not unexpected, really, and isn't to say that they're worse than more mainstream movies.  The issue is usually that, in addressing one axis of oppression, other axes are often forgotten or ignored.  For example, it's not unusual to have a gay movie or a black movie, but to have a gay black movie (like "Moonlight") is very unusual, at least for the moment.

Gay movies also tend to fall into three tropes: coming-out movies, almost-porn, or "unrequited/unfulfilled/broken romance" stories.  I think, in practical terms, this is because most gay movies are *gay* movies rather than gay *movies* - the emphasis, from the origination, is on the sexuality of the characters, and thus the story must be focused on that sexuality.  This reduces the number of options to some basic patterns.

That isn't to say that gay movies can't be fantastic or are all crappy; there are plenty of crappy ones out there, believe me.  I would just like to see a few more options out there.

All that being said, I saw "Love, Simon" on Thursday night.  It was an early showing, and the theater was only about a third full.  There were far more teenage girls that I was expecting (I'm not sure why; that's long been an audience for romance stories in general), a fair number of adult men (40s and older by appearance, mostly gay from what I could tell) and adult women (about the same age, not necessarily seated with the older men), and - thankfully - a dozen or so guys in their teens or early twenties.  I say "thankfully" because, to me, they're the ones who really needed to be there.

Surprisingly, I did too, though I didn't realize that until the end.  It's a cute story, with plenty of humor and awkward moments and actually a few times when the cliched thing *wasn't* done that got laughs.  It's a coming-out story in its basic form, so the arc is largely predictable, but it's still a fun journey to get to the end.

And the ending... Well, that's what I needed.  Not actually anything on-screen, mind you, though it was nice to see an interracial, interfaith, on-screen gay kiss between a couple of teenage guys in a movie playing outside of art houses.  No, what I needed was the reaction.  It took me a second to realize it.

I was sitting in the second row of risers; in front of me was an older gay couple.  One of them took out his phone and actually snapped a photo of the kiss - and I realized as he did so that it was because this was the first time something like this was happening.  But then I cued into something else: the cheering.  And clapping.  The girls behind me were going crazy, but it sounded like most of the theater were cheering.

And I can't even type that out without getting teary-eyed.  I actually started crying in the theater, not because of the love story on screen but because of the cheering.

I was the only openly-gay kid in my high school in 1992-1995.  Yeah, I had a boyfriend - who went to Stanford - for a couple of years, and I certainly had gay friends outside of school (almost all older).  But at school, and at home, and in my "regular" life, I was the only gay person I knew.

That kind of isolation takes its toll.  It's unfortunately all too common.  But I remember how excited I was when, in 1994, a movie called "The Sum of Us" came out, and it had a gay plot. I talked a friend of mine into going to see it with me - and we actually ended up going to see it just about every weekend for 6 months or so, on increasingly smaller screens as time went on.  A couple years later, "Beautiful Thing" was released, but it never made it out of art houses.

But sitting in that chair Thursday night, part of me remembered being 14 and alone and feeling like I was a total outsider.  And yet, here were people not only watching high school boys kiss but actually celebrating the fact.  I can't really express what that means to 14-year-old-me, or what I hope it does for the modern versions of 14-year-old-me: guys just coming out or just realizing their attractions and feeling like they're alone in the world.

After I left the theater, I stood outside and discreetly watched some of the other viewers come out.  When I saw the younger guys come out, they all looked like they were bottled lightning: like they wanted to scream or run around and shout or explode into a million pieces but couldn't actually figure out which to do and so did nothing.  There were a smiles and the look that meant more than words could say.  There was even one case of holding hands.

I would love for there to be more "normal" gay movies - action or scifi or mystery or romance or whatever where the lead(s) just happen to be gay, where being gay isn't pivotal to the plot.  We need more of those.  But I have to admit that, for better or worse, we still need coming out movies like this.  And I hope that, all across the nation, young gay or bi guys can go into a theater, watch "Love, Simon", and hear the audience cheer at the end.

Because the cheer isn't just for Simon and his beau; it's for all of us who have been there.  And we really need to hear it.

Frustration

Caltech hasn't gotten my high school transcripts.  The high school has sent it twice, months ago, through the mail; they also sent it to Harvey Mudd College (HMC) at the same time, and Harvey Mudd got it.  So, I'm not sure why Caltech hasn't.  Caltech and my high school can't legally talk to one another until I'm a student at Caltech, so I have to play middle-man.  Since mail hasn't worked, I'm driving out to my old school, picking up a sealed copy, and driving it down to the admissions office.  Of course, since both are only open during business hours, I have to take time off of work to do this.  I'm at the office right now for a meeting in a few minutes and leaving after the meeting.

On the other hand, HMC reports that they haven't gotten my current college transcripts.  Those were sent to HMC and Caltech at the same time, and Caltech apparently has it, but HMC doesn't.  What's more, the college ones were sent to HMC electronically via some secure system that everyone supposedly uses, so I have no idea why HMC wouldn't have gotten them.  I emailed the HMC admission office a couple of days ago, but I haven't gotten a response.  I'll wait until Monday before calling.

And the prof with my last recommendation for HMC said on 2/28 he'd try the online submission one more time before emailing the rec to HMC directly (which they suggested).  As far as I can tell, he hasn't done either at this point, and he also hasn't responded to a email I sent a couple of days ago thanking him and asking him to let me know when he does send it so I can follow up with the school.

On top of all of this, I've actually got homework this weekend I have to do *and* I need to study for my Caltech physics test, which is Tuesday.

And I'm flat-out exhausted, mentally and physically.  After dropping the transcript off, I'm probably going to go home and go to bed.  I should study or do homework, but I can't do either well if I can't focus.

Knock on wood

To quote myself a few weeks ago:

My estimates were all based on having $340k-$350k in my accounts by my birthday, and I'll still be in that window even if the market slows down significantly (I'm currently getting 15-20% returns and budgeting for 9%).

Of course, the world has to throw a curve ball.  The recent stock market "corrections" over the last couple of weeks have, of course, knocked off something like 10% of the value it had.  I haven't taken quite that much of a hit, but I'm now down $15k in my accounts than I was about a month ago, about a 5% loss.  Now, that's not huge, but it throws off the numbers I was looking at.  It also isn't necessarily done: the markets are down 300 points at the moment, though that's less than they were down a few hours ago.

I'm probably still okay.  I mean, I'm making a lot of assumptions about the future - there's no choice - but most are fairly reasonable.  I always assumed a 7% average annual return over decades; individual yearly fluctuations don't matter much.  I also have to assume I'm keeping my job part-time for two years of school and forking over $22k twice (what a UC would cost, roughly and accounting for taxes and deductions).  I also assume that, coming out of college, I can get a job making slightly more than my part-time here would pay.

Based on all that, I'll still have over $2m in the bank at 65.  But that's assuming the market settles down and has something close to a 7% average growth for the rest of the year; that's not guaranteed, but it's also not unreasonable.  If things get worse, well, I'll still be okay to a point, but it might mean having to pump in even more money once I come out of school.

Come, my friends

... t'is not to late to seek a newer world.
Push off, and sitting well in order smite
The sounding furrows; for my purpose holds
To sail beyond the sunset, and the baths
Of all the western stars, until I die. ...

-- Ulysses, Alfred (Lord Tennyson)

It's in

Just submitted my app to Caltech.  Still have to submit the test proctor form and take the tests (due by mid-March), but the app itself is in.

It's a long shot; I know that.  Hell, even if I'm accepted, I can't afford to go unless I get some significant financial aid (and *not* loans; thanks, but I'm not going to be a 44-year-old with $200k in fresh undischargeable student loans).  But, as they say of the lottery, you can't win if you don't play.

Part of submitting it is being willing to accept what everyone's been telling me: that I'm actually almost an ideal candidate for such a school.  I don't see it, but I'm also looking at my life through the filter of having lived as me for decades.  I know my perceptions of myself tend to be biased downward, and so I'm willing to accept that I may be wrong here.

It's also essentially a no-risk situation.  All I'm out is the $70 for the app itself and maybe $10 in the cost of transcripts.  So, we'll see.

I've started looking at housing prices near various schools.  Even if I keep my current job part-time, I'll need a roommate or subsidized housing.  That's one of the bigger deals when (think positive, right?) I get an acceptance from anyone.  I mean, tuition coverage would be great, but in some ways it's the housing that is more important.  Like, for a UC, I've got the money in IRAs to pay for tuition, but I can't use that money for housing - actually, as I write this, I'm not sure that's true.  I remember seeing something about expenses for tertiary education including housing costs.  I'll have to look that up.

I don't mind having a roommate, though winnowing down my stuff (or putting a lot of it in storage) would be more necessary with a roommate than living on my own.  But subsidized housing would just be easier overall.

Another angle on that is that my gay-couple friends who just bought a house live about 16 miles down the street from one of the private schools.  They've been nudging me about coming and living with them if I get in there.  Now, honestly, I'm not sure how serious that nudging is, and they've got a significant amount of their own stuff to deal with.  But it's a potential option.  It's far enough I'd likely have to drive (there's a bus, but the ride is about an hour) or get a bike (which wouldn't be all that much faster and, well, LA drivers and bikes aren't a good combination).  I'd rather be in walking distance, but that's when things get expensive.

Oh well, baby steps.  I've started cleaning my apartment.  I need to figure out how to get rid of my guest bed, since nowhere I'm going to go will have the space for it.  The only other major furniture items are my dining room table (which I like but, frankly, didn't cost that much and probably wouldn't work out anywhere) and my bed (which is probably also not going to fit wherever I go, but there's more likelihood of that).  oh, and my bookshelf, but that's modular and could be used for a lot of things in a lot of spaces.  Everything else either comes apart easily or could fit in the back of my Eclipse.

Not having bought a ton of furniture may end up being in my favor.

Spending money sucks

So, $3700 in car repairs and maintenance, but this should get the car into great shape for the next few years.  I know, it's a lot, especially for a 12-year-old car.  But I do *not* want to take on a car payment right now: my finances for the next two-three years are completely up in the air.

I've got some money saved to cover it (though I wasn't expected it to cost quite that much; they'd estimated $2500), to it won't hurt quite as bad.  But I've also made a financial decision that I think is smart at this point.  I think.

I've stopped my voluntary contributions to my retirement funds.  That was at 9%, which will mean (after taxes) another $300 or so per check.  I was already setting aside $200 specifically for new expenses, and with the changes in the tax law and my recent raise, I should be getting an additional $200 a check.  So, that's $700 every two weeks that I'm going to explicitly set aside for this expense and future expenses.  With my tax refund (which is usually at least $1000 and sometimes a lot more), I should be in decent shape by my birthday.

I did the math, and stopping my contributions doesn't change my overall totals much.  The account is already growing more from internal returns than from contributions, and the company still puts in 6% on my behalf regardless of what I do.  Plus, I'm planning on pulling out chunks for school anyway.  My estimates were all based on having $340k-$350k in my accounts by my birthday, and I'll still be in that window even if the market slows down significantly (I'm currently getting 15-20% returns and budgeting for 9%).  And paying off debt and having actual cash available penalty-free for moving or other expenses seems like the more responsible thing to do at this point.

... I know, this sounds like rationalization rather than reasoning, but it's actually something I've thought a lot about.  Paying off debt *does* make more sense than investing, since the debt is at higher interest than I'm getting on the market (though only barely right now).  Really, the issue is the withdrawal penalty later: for school fees, it's waived, but I should save up for moving and deposit and such as well.  I'll probably draw a financial "line" and budget around that: if I hit the line early (higher tax return, manage to spend less in general, etc.), I'll start contributions up again.

Basically, I'm at $324k right now.  With the company's 0.06% contribution only and an assumed 9% annual growth rate, I'll be at $341k just after my birthday (end of June).  If I transition to part time at that point (20 hours a week at the same wage), and assuming I go to a UC and end up paying for everything, I'm counting on about $20k taken out at the end of August each year for two years.  I should still be at $370k by my 43rd birthday, which is still over 3x my current annual salary and still 2 years ahead of schedule - and again, that's with just the company's contributions and nothing from me.

If I switch back to my 9% contribution when I go to part time (in addition to the company's 6%), I'll be at $382k at 43 - so the difference isn't all that much: about $10k in contributions and $2k in interest.  I know, it adds up over time, and so it's worth it to start back up again as soon as reasonable.

But I do think this is the responsible decision for where I am at the moment.  I just hope I'm right.

Not saying it

So, I've interacted with a pretty broad swath of folks through various mediums - blogs, gaming, specialty forums, etc.  Even a few times face to face.

I also tend to isolate and siphon different aspects of my life pretty well.  It's not generally a matter of shame or fear or protecting people or any actual conscious effort; I'm just private by nature and tend to include in that privacy a lack of talking to people about things that happen in my life when they aren't around.  Honestly, that's part of the reason why the whole blogging thing never really took off with me: it just feels counter to my nature.

The one place where many of these different branches of life come together for me is on Facebook.  Now, I don't post much on FB myself - at least not on my own wall (see my above blogging comment) - but I like to read what everyone else is doing and offer brief comments or even just know that my friends are (largely) okay and content.

If I could, I would restrict things so that friends couldn't see what I'd posted on other friends' walls (at least not through me), but that's not an option.  So, occasionally, a conversation somewhere will randomly pull in a friend from a different circle.  Usually this is okay or at worst a moment of slight discomfort; only once or twice has it erupted into a downright argument.  But in general, I'm able to keep the groups separate without conflicts.

To make things even more complicated, however, some of those specific groups have had their own internal rifts and issues - sometimes over legitimate problems, often over just growth and change of personalities.  It seems that ever year or so, there will be another kerfluffle of telling people to unfriend over some wrong (real or perceived), and the battle lines get drawn and the schism is had.  I got so many "I have mutuals with this person; please unfriend them or I'll have to unfriend you" that I finally hid my friends list (which makes such knowledge impossible).

A year or two ago, one such schism happened when one friend H pointed out that another friend E was narcissistic and abusive.  E was a closer to certain circles of various underprivileged and unprivileged groups, while H was closer to some of the more formal or professional types, and the schism took the form of  E saying "H is a -phobe and their friends are all as bad", and the two sides parting over this.

I'm still "friends" with both (H I've interacted with more, including some work-related stuff, while E is someone I only know through forums and online) and kept out of it.  I think H was right, but E looked to be changing/trying to improve.  I wasn't really risking anything on a friendship with E, so I had no reason not to keep the communications line open, as they say.

Well, there's been another kerfluffle.  A whole bunch of the people who sided with E over H and defended E have, due to some recent events, started calling out E as - get this - a narcissist and abuser.  De-friending has started, and I'm expecting the warring posts here shortly (one is already up).

I'm watching this happen, and there's a part of my brain screaming, "H said this years ago, and you all demonized H for it.  I don't suppose any of you are going to remember and actually apologize?"  But I know it wouldn't be productive - not at the moment, and perhaps not ever.  H can be rather tactless, and part of the problem I think was *how* H said things rather than what was said.  What came afterwards has probably burned any hope of a bridge there forever, so bringing H back into this would likely just make the mess worse.

But when the "we told you so" is so fucking obvious, it's really hard not saying it.

Changing pace

Palm Springs was pretty relaxing; I actually slept a lot, which I didn't realize I needed to do, and certainly took advantage of the hot tub.  No hookups, though I had a few offers - mostly from people to whom I wasn't attracted in the slightest, but that's pretty typical -

[Lest that sound really snobby, my "type" actually *isn't* muscled up or gym bunnies or models.  I tend to find myself most attracted more average or slightly lean guys, what many people would call "cute" faces but not strikingly good looking, and pretty basic everyday types all around]

- this time there appeared to be a lot of older guys who were either new to being gay or new to clothing optional resorts, and one of my big turn-offs is someone who explicitly has a major insecurity or unresolved self-image conflict and wants me to help them fix it or figure it out.  I'm totally willing to help, but that immediately kills any possible chemistry for me (which is generally a good thing, I think).

My hair is blond(ish) again, after even just the three days in the sun.  And even then I was being judicious about staying in the shade as much as reasonable.  I keep feeling like I should get back into working out or doing yoga, even just a little, but I know that as soon as school starts up in February, I'm liable to run out of time again.  This semester should be a little light - only 12 units, and 7 of those are programming classes - so maybe I could sustain it.

Also just got my raise, effective yesterday.  I was expecting about 3%-4%, to put me around $118k, and I got 3.77% and am at almost $118,700.  With the performance of my IRAs and my current contribution rate, I should almost hit $350k by my birthday.  Since that would be just under 3x my annual salary when I'm 41, that puts me 4 years ahead of schedule.  Depending on what happens with school, I should be good: to hit 3x my salary by 45, with no additional contributions added and a reasonable return, I should have about $272k in my IRAs by 41.  So, that'll give me $70k-80k to play with for school, which is more than I'd need for UCs and even a significant portion of a private school's cost.  Still hoping for scholarships and funding, though.

Speaking of school, working on the last two applications this month; they're due in February.  One of the guys in the hot tub actually wrote our programming book and was really pushing for me to apply to MIT; that's not on my list right now and something I'd have to do separately (actually, looking at their site, they have standardized tests I would have had to have taken by the end of December, so that's that).  But the other two are almost done: I have a couple of forms to have schools fill out, and I need to nudge two of my instructor recommendations, but everything else is basically done.  I'll probably do a last pass on the essays (or maybe two).

This is hopefully going to end up being an exciting and good-scary year for me.  I have no idea how it'll all end up, but I'm looking forward to it.

Oh, and just cuz, the Earth passed perihelion on January 2nd at 9:35 pm Pacific.  We're now in the process of slowing down for 6 months, until just before the 4th of July when we'll reach aphelion and start speeding back up.  Hope everyone had their seat belt on at the time.