Running low

So, I'm borderline APD.  That's Antisocial Personality Disorder - the clinical diagnosis for people who we casually call "sociopaths".

The ICD-10 description:

Personality disorder, usually coming to attention because of a gross disparity between behaviour and the prevailing social norms, and characterized by at least 3 of the following:
(a) callous unconcern for the feelings of others;
(b) gross and persistent attitude of irresponsibility and disregard for social norms, rules and obligations;
(c) incapacity to maintain enduring relationships, though having no difficulty in establishing them;
(d) very low tolerance to frustration and a low threshold for discharge of aggression, including violence;
(e) incapacity to experience guilt and to profit from experience, particularly punishment;
(f) marked proneness to blame others, or to offer plausible rationalizations, for the behaviour that has brought the patient into conflict with society.

(a) - Not so much "callous", though I have to actually think about the fact that other people have feelings to account for them.
(b) - Disregard, yes; irresponsibility, depends on who you ask.
(c) - Arguable.  I have some long-term relationships, but they're largely superficial by others' standards.
(d) - Totally non-violent, but I get frustrated pretty easily.
(e) - My lack of guilt is notorious.  My mother learned early on that "punishment" was useless on me.  I had to be educated why something was wrong or bad, not just punished.
(f) - One that I definitely don't have, for obvious reasons.

So, I have most of the basic underlying characteristics.  As a teenager, I probably qualified for (a) and (b) almost totally.

Anyway, the point is that without my conscious efforts against this sort of thing - and it's very definitely energy expended and conscious effort - I slip more into the sociopathic personality.  It's a big part of why "people", in general, tire me out.

Since my step-dad's accident - wait.  I haven't talked about that in a while.  So, update time.

So, when last we met, step-dad was in the hospital.  They kept him almost totally sedated for like 2 weeks while his lungs healed.  Once it was time to ween him off of the respirator, they had to let him wake up - which wasn't at all fun for him.  But, he got off of it.  They discovered that - in addition to breaking his pelvis, cracking a vertebra, and breaking all his ribs - that he'd also broken his left wrist.  Of course, they didn't discover this until after 17 days or so, so it will likely never be the same though he'll still have some use of it.

He was transferred from the ER to an in-plan facility, where he didn't actually stay long; they basically said, "He's healing, there's not much else that can be done, let's get him to rehab."  "Rehab" is a nice name for a nursing home.  He was there less than a week until he had to get checked back into the hospital because of blood pressure issues (the new meds they insisted on him using were causing major blood pressure drops).  When he left the hospital the second time - after only one night's stay - they sent him home.

Mom got a hospital bed for the downstairs, and the first two nights I stayed over; I basically didn't sleep for 72 hours or so.  The problems were many.  To start with, his sleep cycle was all screwed up from the hospitals.  Second, with the neck collar on, he was having severe sleep apnea and couldn't sleep for more than an hour or so at a time.

Third and possibly the most complicating, he wanted to get better and started to "push" himself to do things.  He couldn't really do this during the day, as mom was being protective to the point of inhibitory.  So, he did them at night, when I was around.  My policy - as I told him the first time he got up to walk himself down the hallway to the bathroom - was that I wouldn't stop him or interfere but that I was there if he needed help.  Mom found out about this at one point and threw a fit, but I successfully defused her and sent her back to bed.

So, I was basically up all night both nights, "just in case": I had to rescue him a couple of times, but nothing too bad.  Mostly, though, he learned not only that he had limits but that they were much further than even he thought they might be, so his progress the next week was even better.

The problem was that I was also needed during the day, to do some basic work around the house and help my mom out with things.  So, from getting up to go to work on Thursday until getting home Saturday at 11ish, I slept about 3 or 4 hours, mostly in short breaks.  Saturday morning (and by arrangements prior to knowing he'd be home then, so it worked out well), I picked up his sister from the airport; she stayed with them for a week, freeing me up to go to work.

Still I've been there every weekend and been "an ear" for my mom to vent to when she needs.  Which means that, as I was saying a half-dozen paragraphs up, since my step-dad's accident, I've been "forced" into social roles almost constantly (between work and taking care of them).  The effect of this has been mental exhaustion, something I only put two and two together to come up with this last week.

One side-effect: my plants.  See, the OCD is usually kept under control by force of will: I tend to catch myself obsessing and mitigate it.  The plant stuff started about 10 days after the accident and has been a constant thing since.  There are times (looking back, those times when I was most exhausted) where I would literally check on seedlings or the outdoor plants every 20-30 minutes.  I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about breeding garlic or buying more plants to do something else with.  I actually killed one rosemary bush by over-watering.  Lest people think, "at least it's something innocuous," I've also spent probably $1200 on various pots and equipment and such - all just to grow some peppers and spices and tomatoes.

Now, most of that effort - and money - can be leveraged for years to come.  But it's the kind of thing that wouldn't happen except I don't have the mental energy to fight it (or even recognize it). I've also been slipping more into sociopath-mode for the same period; mostly, this shows up as being more short-tempered and less "personable" at the office and with friends.  I'm not working as diligently on some of my projects as I should be, and I keep coming up with "new" projects to do (mostly gardening related).

In 15 days, I fly off to Hawaii for 10 days.  I'm still going to my parents' house this weekend (father's day) and next weekend (mowing the lawn), but hopefully things will be largely back to normal by the time I get back (he really is progressing well).  I really need this vacation.

Lay of the land

So, I've moved things around a little bit and added a couple of pots since this was taken about 2 weeks ago, but this is roughly my balcony.

The two "strawberry pots" at either end (the 3-tier ones) are the herb pots.  So far I've got sprouts or plants for rosemary, oregano, basil, dill, cilantro, savory, and mustard (in a different pot since it gets big and messy, but it's not pictured).  I've yet to see sprouts for marjoram, thyme, chives, garlic chives, parsley, or sage, but since most of the rest already sprouted, they should be coming soon.  For most of the herbs, I soaked the seeds first (up to 24 hours; some less), which is supposed to help them sprout faster.  The only herb I didn't grow from seeds is the rosemary, and that's because I couldn't find any (it's apparently a controlled plant in some states).  The first one, I nearly killed by overwatering, but (after re-planting) it seems like it might come back.  I bought a second though, just in case.

The four smaller pots (10", but you can't tell) in the corners are Scotch Bonnet peppers; I got those as plants, simply because I couldn't find seeds for them anywhere.  They're still doing well.

The two tiny pots in the middle are just a couple of cacti that my ex-roommate left.

The four planters are, from far to near, mini bell peppers, cayenne peppers, thai chili peppers, and garlic.  The peppers haven't sprouted yet, but I didn't know to soak them beforehand (they got planted a few days before the herbs).  The garlic has started to sprout: of the 14 or so cloves I planted, 2 are already shooting up stalks; it's a variety called Silver Rose, which is apparently really well-suited for southern California.

I'm also trying to grow some tomatoes from seeds; my first attempt ended horribly (too hot/too wet), so I'm trying again with a more controlled environment and not overwatering.

All the pots except the strawberry pots are "self-watering": they have reserves in the bottom that soak up through the soil.  I have actual watering systems for the herbs, so that they get enough-but-not-too-much water going forward.  The key to ADHDgardening is to make sure it can survive in spite of me :)

Anyway, there's my "garden".  The big blue thing is obviously my hammock.

Not quite the walled garden

On the lighter side...

I'm trying to grow stuff.  This is probably a bad idea, but whatever.

See, my apartment has a balcony that faces south and I'm on the top floor of a 3-story building.  Since I'm in the northern hemisphere, this means it gets a lot of sunlight - so much so that it actually heats up my living room a fair bit, even with the overhang.  Which is also there, so that while in the winter I get a lot of sun, in the summer, I get sun in the morning and the evening but not at high noon (because the overhang shields most of the patio).

This, combined with the moderate weather of southern California, makes the balcony pretty much the ideal place to grow stuff.  At least in theory.

The first step was to get a covering for the balcony floor, since it's just concrete and that's both ugly and hot.  This was done with fake green grass - cheap stuff, but it works pretty well.  Once I did that, I thought, "hrm, it'd be nice to have some planters or such..."; the rest, as they say, is history.

At this point, I have four 24" planters, 5 10" pots, 1 12" pot, and a couple of 12"x3 level "strawberry pots".  Yeah, never give an OCD person a new toy to play with.

In actual plants, I have 4 scotch bonnet peppers and a rosemary bush.  The SBs are doing awesome, as far as I can tell: there's new growth and such.  The rosemary is looking a little unhappy, but that may be me over-watering it, so I'm going to change some stuff when I get home.  The rest of the pots and planters and such were planted with seeds: cayenne and thai chili peppers, some mini bell peppers, some garlic that does really well in the area, and a broad assortment of herbs.  I'm also trying to get some tomato seedlings to start in the second bedroom-cum-greenhouse (it's the hottest room anyway, so it works).

So far, none of the seeds have sprouted, but that's pretty typical for most of them.  The exception is the basil - that should have started showing by now (it's been about 4-5 days).  I'll give it until the weekend, probably, and then maybe try starting some seedlings indoors first (depending on how the tomatoes do, though I may have screwed those up by letting them dry out).  I've got extra seeds for everything but the SBs (which are fine) and the rosemary, so I can start over entirely if needed.

However, since I know me, I also got self-watering pots and planters and, for the ones that aren't, an automated watering system (which is what I have to adjust for the rosemary; I need to move the spout and probably reduce the frequency).  ADHD gardening at its finest.

We'll see how this all works out.  Assuming I get some signs of greenery here in the next week, I'll take snaps and post 'em.

Just a gimmick

"Suppose I were an extraterrestrial," the man said quietly.  "Suppose I were several million years ahead of this planet.  What one question would you ask me?"

"Why is there so much violence and hatred among us?" Benny asked at once.

"It's always that way on primitive planets," the man said.  "The early stages of evolution are never pretty."

"Do planets grow up?" Benny asked.

"Some of them," the man said simply.

"How?"

"Through suffering enough, they learn wisdom."

Benny turned and looked at his odd companion.  He *is* an actor, he thought.  "Through suffering," he repeated.  "There's no other way?"

"Not in the primitive stages," the man said.  "Primitives are too self-centered to ask the important questions, until suffering forces them to ask."

Benny felt the grief pass through him again, and leave.  He grinned.  "You play this game very well."

"Anybody can do it," the man said.  "It's a gimmick, to get outside your usual mind-set.  You can do it too.  Just try for a minute - you be the advanced intelligence, and I'll be the primitive Terran.  Okay?"

"Sure," Benny said, enjoying this.

"Why me?" The stranger's tone was intense.  "Why have I been singled out for so much injustice and pain?"

"There is no known answer to that," Benny said at once.  "Some say it's just chance - hazard - statistics.  Some say there is a Plan, and that you were chosen to learn an important lesson.  Nobody knows, really.  The important thing is to ask the next question."

"And what is the next question?"

Benny felt as if this was easy.  "The next question is, What do I do about it?  How ever many minutes or hours or years or decades I have left, what do I do to make sense out of it all?"

"Hey, that's good," the stranger said.  "You play Higher Intelligence very well."

"It's just a gimmick," Benny said...

That passage is from The Universe Next Door by Robert Anton Wilson.  It's one of my favorite books, and while the novel as a whole is pretty chaotic, this passage is one of the most coherent, simple, straight-forward expressions of an idea I like that I've ever read.

I have no empathy - or, at least, so little that it might as well be none.  I don't qualify for Antisocial Personality Disorder solely on the basis that I'm not violent (I dislike violence and destruction in general).  I think a big part of it is that I don't feel like a member of the same species as everyone else, so that no one ever feels like "one of us" to me.  Everyone's a stranger.  I can stand in a room full of close friends and family and still feel completely isolated and alone.

Now, don't get me wrong - I fake empathy well enough that most people just think I'm a little distant/weird.  Jokes about Vulcans and robots and "typical IT personality" surround me, but they're "just jokes" to most people.  The truth is, I'm actually a fairly good student of human psychology and extremely adept at both manipulation and faking.

And, yet, I don't do it (most of the time; I admit to slipping once in a while).  I don't take advantage of people or abuse others' emotional states.  In fact, I'm often the person who is more concerned that others aren't being mistreated or feeling left out or abused: I'm better at seeing it, because I know how I would do it if I wanted to.

Sometimes, having no empathy is an advantage.  My step-father hurt himself pretty badly last week, and I spent the first 24 hours after trying to keep my mother from going into emotional meltdown.  Her statement, once he started improving and she started being less frantic, was, "You're my rock."  Yep, that's me - the rock, the stone, the one who isn't moved.  She meant it as a compliment, as most people do, implying some kind of virtue on my part for sacrificing my own emotional needs to be supportive of others.  Except, I had none, so there was nothing to sacrifice.

What it is, really, is what the passage at the start of this post asks: even if there's suffering in this world, even if there's tragedy or personal struggle, the question we should ask is, "What am I going to do about it?"  I decided I dislike such things, aesthetically, so I do what I can to stop them: to help those who need help, to be the rock for those who need a rock, or even to just give a single moment of hope to someone who otherwise might not have it.  It's what I mean when I say, "I can't save the world, but if I can save one person, I can help teach the world to save itself."

Think about that this week while you lament the cowardice of the bombing of Boston or shake your head in disbelief at the explosion in Texas.  Instead of asking why - why they would do such a thing, why regulators let such a dangerous place be surrounded by families - ask what you, yourself, are going to do about it: a $5 gift to a charity, donating blood at the local hospital, a different vote on the next ballot, whatever it may be.  It doesn't have to be much - there may not be much you can do - but a few hundred million people doing a little is a whole lot better than seven billion doing nothing.

And think about what the advanced intelligence would say to the primitive Terran.  What harm can it do?  It's just a gimmick.

Distractions

I'm just going to dump this here, because that's what this is for, right?

So, the last couple of days, I've been thinking over an idea.  It's a small, stupid thing, but 1) I think it's patentable and 2) it's the kind of small, stupid thing that could either be a waste of the filing fee or make millions.  I've been spinning it my head (literally, in some cases; yay for mental 3d rendering engines) and will probably, in the next few days or week or so, actually make a model of it that could be sent to a prototyping house or something (I'm pretty good with CAD programs).

The problem?  While I think it'd be a good idea to bounce the idea off of a few other people, the mere thought of bringing up even the fact that I have an idea that could be monetized, much less the specifics of it, around most of my friends makes me cringe.

I hang around a lot of people who stylize themselves as "creative types" - writers, actors, movie folk, even graphic designers or system architects.  People who are used to being the ones who create ideas and leverage them.  It's great - there are all these people I know who always have fascinating perspectives or new insights.

I'm not thought of that way.  I'm the support person - the adapter, the improver, the guy who fixes things or makes them work better.  People come up with an idea, then come to me to ask my advice on how to make it more practical or more realistic or more fiscally sound.  Throughout all of this, it's their idea - I'm just helping out.

The few times I've come up with things on my own and mentioned them, they've been... well, co-opted is a good phrase.  Suddenly my idea becomes "our idea" or even their idea (especially if they decide, unilaterally, that some facet of what I've described isn't perfect and, therefore, by changing it they own most or all of the idea).  This isn't me being paranoid - I've had one friend take over at least two ideas for stories, and another latched on to a marketing concept I mused on randomly one day and actively try to make it work (without acknowledging it being my idea at all).  Others seem to just assume that whatever I'm saying must be some extension of something they've come up with and, thus, is theirs to do what they like with (I've been told that at least once point-blank by someone I no longer speak to).

I have to say, writing that makes me more than a little uncomfortable: I've gotten so used to being the support person that even saying, "No! Mine!" about something I legitimately came up with on my own feels selfish or egocentric.  But, that's the way it always seems to be: no matter what happens, control of the idea is taken away from me.  Maybe it's meant as a compliment (that they think it's good enough that they want to work on it with me), or maybe they don't realize they're doing it.  The discomfort/selfish feeling is compounded by the fact that, legitimately, I'm in a better financial position than most of my friends (for a variety of reasons) so that, by wanting to maintain ownership, I'm selfishly denying them a share of profits or whatever (assuming there are any).

It's extremely frustrating.  It's one of those moments that makes you wonder - makes me wonder - if, in fact, I have the "right" friends.  I think I do, for the most part; they're great people in a lot of ways, and they certainly put up with many of my eccentricities.  It's just that, on this issue, I feel both trapped and almost guilty for feeling trapped (and then annoyance beats out guilt, because I always think of guilt as a useless emotion).

Anyway, that's a distraction for the moment: I've got an idea, and no one I feel comfortable talking to about it.  And that's pretty sad.  There are far worse things going on in the world, so this is definitely a #firstworldproblems moment, but still.

Sprung forward

Y'all (at least, those in the US) remembered to change your clocks this morning, right?

... The part I hate most about consulting is waiting for people to pay me.  For the consistent jobs, it's just a matter of getting through the first billing-to-payment gap; after that, things start going fairly regularly.  When you're only invoicing every months, though, that ends up being a pretty big gap.  I'm very glad I have the day job and that this is mostly "fun money".

Didn't do yoga today.  I got in to lotus, which is how the dvd starts, and immediately started feeling my back muscles vibrating.  They've been a little sore/stiff the last few days, but this was "more than a little", so I took it as a hint and instead walked a few miles (I still did my rowing; that's before yoga).  It's all working, though.  I'm up to 38% muscle, down to 18% body fat.  Not all that amazing numbers, I know, but better than I was: targets to adult men are 42-50% and 14-17%, theoretically, and I started off at 36% and 21%.  So, basically, in 2 months I've converted 6 lbs of fat into 4 lbs of muscle.  If I can keep this up (and I certainly plan to), I ought to be in the ideal range within another couple of months.  Also, the scale is only approximate - I *think* I'm actually a little better than it's reporting, but it's at least a useful guideline to measure progress if not exact details.

I'm also noticing *some* changes to clothes: shirts are a little tighter, pants a little looser.  I can also see some changes physically, which is one of the big payoffs of course :)  Another big payoff, though, is that I can also feel the phsyiological changes when I try to do various things.  For example, even after only a week, some of the yoga exercises that I collapsed out of early on the first few days I can hold (albeit barely) for the whole duration now.

I also got a nifty (and free, so even better) media server set up on my computer so I can share my dvds and mp3s on whatever device I'm using, at home or out and about.  The dvds, I use so that I can run my yoga stuff from my Android tablet (which doesn't have an optical drive); today, on a whim, I used my cell phone (Windows 8) to stream music (The Beach soundtrack, if you must know - trust me, it's paradise) on my walk rather than grabbing my old ipod from the car.  There's a little bit of "ooh! new toy!" here, but I can really see this being useful.  I may actually get around to building that full-fledged home server that I wanted to make now.

15 weeks until Hawai'i.  Haven't decided if I want to do something for Memorial Day yet - might be something quick, unlike last year's 1400 mile drive (which was fun, don't get me wrong).  Also thought about hitting the white party, though I don't think I'll quite be in shape yet for that (it's at the end of March).

... Well, I've got breathing down pretty well...

... Holy fuck, yoga's kicking my ass.

It's probably not helping that I'm doing it after rowing.  It's also only my second day, though at least I made it all the way through the video today (even if I collapsed out of some of the poses early).  I definitely feel like my ass hurts, and not in a good way.

It's kind of strange: I'm really flexible in certain ways, and really stiff in others.  Like, for years, I've been able to cross my legs and then lay my forehead on the floor, but my achilles tendons are wound super-tight.  I fully assumed it would take a while to get into and up to even basic speed, but I didn't realize how much I needed to loosen up.

Didn't make it to the pool today, but I do have my goggles.

Anyway, off to try and relax some of the muscles for a while, then it's Jack the Giant Slayer tonight.

Checking in

So, just sent off my passport for renewal.  It doesn't expire until May, but I have this irrational fear that I'll suddenly have somewhere awesome to go last-minute for Memorial Day and won't be able to because it'll have just been mailed off for renewal.  As it is, I'm now in a low-grade stress on the (totally unlikely) possibilities of work needing me to travel somewhere in the next few weeks.

Yes, folks, this is what OCD is really like.

In other news, taxes are filed.  I'm getting almost $3000 back in total, which is nice and more than pays for my birthday vacation.  I'm also doing more consulting; not a huge amount, but $1500 a month or so at this point.  The woman I did the huge job for a couple years ago has stated she might want to use me for a slightly-smaller-but-still-decent thing this summer, and the guy I'm doing the stats analysis for wants us to keep going at least until the end of April.  Plus, I'm still doing some work for my old employer; that's mostly tapered off for the moment, but they're going to want me to help them with an upgrade in a month or two, and that's likely to be 30-40 hours of work over a couple months.

If I start getting steady enough income through consulting, say after-taxes $1000 a month or so, I may bump up my 403b contribution at work.  Max for us folk under 50 is $17,500 a year; I'm at about a third of that now.  I doubt I'll max out unless I start making $2k or more after taxes each month on the side; that being said, money that goes to the 403b (it's like a 401k, but for non-profits) is pre-tax, so every $100 only "costs" me about $75 out of my paycheck.  Something to think about, certainly.

I also have to think about setting money aside for a new car at some point.  That's a long ways off (unless someone dumps $40k or so in my lap), but it's still something to plan for.

Photos aren't selling, but hey, not too worried about that.  Doesn't really cost me anything to leave them up on the site, and I keep nudging them every now and then.

I'm still working out on the rowing machine every day.  I'm definitely getting results, though it's obviously slow.  I've also decided that, starting in March, I'm going to try one of those beginner at-home Yoga things when I get bored/have free time/feel like it.  Definitely, being able to exercise in my own time in my living room is a huge huge thing for me.

I'm also going to try to get into swimming once the weather really warms up; it's supposed to be in the 80s on Saturday, so I may see about getting in the pool a little then.  I can swim - my dad never would have let me on the boat if I couldn't - but I've never really liked doing it.  I think it's time to try to get over that dislike if possible.  I've got swim goggles to help out.

Let's see, money, fitness... oh, yes! Cooking...

I've pretty much switched to eating at home all but one night a week.  Really, that's being "forced" by my working out: I do so as soon as I get home, so I can't really stop and get food on the way home.  Once I'm here, it's just easier to eat in than go out.  I've gotten a little more into cooking as a result, and I've also gotten back into munching salads a couple nights a week.  Eating better, combined with the workout, means that while I'm not actually losing much weight, I'm actually losing body fat slowly.  So, yay for that.  Plus, it ends up being cheaper, so some money saved.

This whole "being an adult" thing is a little dull, but I guess it has its advantages.  Still, after writing all that crap above, I feel the irrational need to finger-paint the walls.

Plowing the carpet

I have callouses on my fingers. Even with gloves, they still develop.  I think of them in a joking way as a badge of honor.

So, it's been about three weeks since I started rowing every day - just 10 minutes to start with, though I've been ramping up the resistance.  I'm definitely getting broader in the chest, but that's not necessarily saying much: this is the first time in my life when my chest hasn't been defined primarily by my ribcage.  At this point, I'm going to start increasing the duration bit by bit, working my way up to a 20-minute session hopefully; most of what I've read puts this as the practical "cap" for even extremely-fit people.

And, yes, by "every day" I mean every day.  I've long tried to abide by the "work a single muscle group once or twice a week" method, and while I've had some results with that over the years, it's never really worked well.  This is showing a significant amount of improvement in a relatively short period of time.  I doubt it will progress as quickly in the future, but I'm off to a decent start already.

(Just for the record, this is what I have.)

So far, I haven't changed my diet at all, but I'm losing a little bit of weight (with the extra mass and calories burnt, that's not unreasonable).  I figure I'll keep this up until the end of February, give or take, and then start working a little more on eating better.  I doubt I'll be in any condition to go to the white party (which is 3/31), but I'll hopefully be pretty well off by my birthday at the end of June.

... Oh, right, birthday.  Just booked my annual pilgrimage to Hawaii. This time, I'll be spending 7 days just south of Kona before heading to my usual spot on Maui for the 4th of July (and a few days after).  This'll be the first time in years that I haven't been on Maui for my birthday, but I'm a little conflicted about the changes they made to the resort: they look decent, but I don't know how they'll play out in experiencing them.  We'll see.  They also jacked the prices up a fair bit (like, 20-30%), so that's a consideration as well: I'm spending more on 4 nights in Maui that I'm spending for 7 in Kona.

I also had to do the flights in 3 separate reservations to minimize the number of miles I'm spending, but I'm basically getting first-class fights from LAX to Kona, Kona to Maui, and Maui back to LAX for a less than $400 total.  Looks like all those years of booking my own business travel at the last company were actually useful.

Uhm, dating-wise, nothing in a while.  No worries on that - I don't think I'm the kind of guy most guys are looking for.  Doesn't hurt to leave the page up, though.

Finally, best-friend's wife is preggers (yay!) but not necessarily doing well (boo!) - she already miscarried once, a year ago or so, so they're really worried about this one.  But, as a result, he's really thinking about getting a job closer to home (he's about an hour away now).  There'll likely be fallout from that, but oh well.  We'll manage.

... Stands on golden sands...

Okay, so, time for a fun topic...

Vacation!

It's a new year, and it's time for me to start looking at what I want to do for my birthday.  My usual is Maui, of course, but the Sunseeker's had some changes and I'm not sure how it'll end up being.  For one, while the sundeck looks a lot better now, they got rid of the hot tub up there, which was one of the highlights to me.  The result means everyone's likely going to be a bit more spread out, so the feel's going to change a bit.

My rough plan was to hit up Kauai or the Big Island before/after Maui.  I've got enough vacation time for up to a couple weeks out there, now that I'm earning 3 weeks a year, and I could easily spend a week on, say, the big island and then hop over to Maui for a few days.  The problem with that is that I'm kind of picky where I stay: one, I prefer gay-owned properties, just as a support-the-community thing (though I'm not adamant about it); and two, I really really prefer clothing-optional places.  That leaves me with like 2 options on Kauai and a handful on Hawai'i, none of which look all that appealing to me.  This is one I'm considering, though the reviews are a bit hit-and-miss on the facilities themselves (the staff is apparently great).

Perhaps a little oddly, part of why they're not appealing is that they're too private: one thing that's nice about the Sunseeker, as well as the Highlands Resort in Guerneville and a few other places I've gone to, is that while you can be private and alone, there's also the option to socialize a bit in the resort: they're big enough that there's a variety of people there.  The fact that I like traveling alone and making my own plans doesn't mean that I also don't occasionally meet cool and fun people when I travel.  Hawaii as a whole doesn't have much "centralized" gay culture outside of Honolulu, and I'm not much of a bar person anyway.  If the place I stay at doesn't have a socialization factor, I'm probably not going to get much of it at all.  While that's likely okay (and even sought-out sometimes) for a little while, after 4 or 5 days I'm liable to want to socialize.

That doesn't mean I've ruled those out as options, but it's just something to consider.

As a result, I'm also looking at a few other possibilities.  I've always loved sailing, and I've probably mentioned a desire to go to the south pacific and other places on sailing cruises.  So, I came across this - and, specifically, these.  The timing's wrong for a birthday trip, but I may keep my birthday down to a week (and just hit Sunseeker or something) and save the time/money to go on another vacation later.  I might save that for next spring's St. Martin trip, though Greece sounds interesting.

There's also still one of the more mainstream cruises, though I think the one cruise that I was looking at for Tahiti doesn't sail there any more.

In addition, I've been told I ought to hit up Cairns in Australia at some point, though that's definitely September-March thing.

I could also do something more tame, like heading to Key West or Ft. Lauderdale, or more adventurous, like Paris.

I don't know.  Too many options, none of them "perfect" yet.

So, any of you have any ideas?  I doubt any of you are also likes-to-get-naked-on-vacation people, but in general?

(Title from Somewhere Beyond the Sea)