Working on a project with a friend related to Twitter data. We got together yesterday to go over some of what I need to arrange data-wise as well as how to approach the analysis and general concept. We actually think there may be three papers coming out of this, easily, and that's just based on some basic starting concepts.
I suppose it can't hurt to have published papers in multiple disciplines when I apply to transfer, but part of me feels like it's a joke. "Yes, I've been published. No, not in aerospace - in social media communications and biopsychosocial distress. ... Yes, I'm serious."
Oh well. I've always considered that a single ego is an extremely limiting perspective from which to approach the universe.
Weighed myself this morning for the first time in years. 171, so about what my body seems to consider "baseline". I'm hoping to get back into exercising a bit, since that's fallen completely off my radar; school's going to make that harder, but at least doing some basic stuff (pushups, crunches, that sort of thing) in the morning should be doable. I just need to get back in the habit.
This month is the "alternating" schedule of hanging out with L on Saturdays. I assume he's going to push back against it at some point, but I'm pretty firm on wanting my weekends back without a regularly scheduled thing with him, especially since I haven't been enjoying it much.
Oh, and should be getting about $1300 back in taxes, so that'll be nice. The raise also works out to about $100 a paycheck; if I combine that with not hanging out with L, I should have about $300 more "free money" a paycheck this month and $500 more next month (and thereafter). I'm also going to keep an eye on my retirement accounts; if/when I get to $270k, I'm going to cut back contributions so I can start paying more towards bills and saving up more for when I quit and go to school. It's too bad I make too much to claim my education expenses right now, but them's the breaks.
I should also seriously work on applying for some scholarships this year. Not that I need the money for my current school, but having as much as possible already on the books will help when I transfer.
Watching the chop
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I typically don't talk politics here. I mean, really, I don't post much at all, but I don't know that I've ever posted about politics explicitly.
The problem is that the current administration is on a path to directly impact my job. I work in healthcare; any changes to the PPACA, especially the partial-dismantling they've argued for and almost passed once, will totally disrupt my work environment.
Now, granted, I'm hopefully only here for another year and a half. After that, I'll hopefully be in school full-time (don't know what I'll be doing for part-time work, but we'll see). But I'm going to school to pursue a career that fundamentally relies on optimism and a stable society: aerospace is a "luxury" science for the most part, though a significant amount is paid for through the military. If crap goes to hell like it's looking (he's frozen federal hiring with the intent to decrease government through attrition, he's gagged the EPA and the USDA, he's instructed agencies to play havoc with the PPACA financially, and Keystone XL is going through - and it's only day 5), there may not be much of an aerospace industry left when I'm ready to join it.
(And before anyone tells me that other countries may still be interested: the US spends more on Aerospace than the rest of the world combined. The whole space budget for the planet is less than the state of California spends on public education in a year. The *planet*. And that includes military spending on aerospace. If it dies here, it's dying everywhere.)
I'm not "worried", per se, and none of this changes any of my plans. I'm doing this because I want to do it, for me, and whatever comes from it will be dealt with. But these are all factors that have to be taken into account when I'm planning. Even things like trying to guess how the stock market will do and how that will affect my retirement savings.
Of course, that's all separate from the social chaos that is likely to come. Yes, I'm a white male, but I'm also gay and neurodivergent. Being in California may dent the effects some, but if I have to move out of state for school or work, who knows what the result will be (if it comes down to a choice of working for NASA in Alabama, Florida, or Texas, or working for a private company in a friendly area, I'll probably have to pass on NASA - and that would be a really shitty decision to have to make).
The title of this blog invokes a specific concept - that I can't do more than ride the wave function as it collapses, surfing as best I can on whatever the result happens to be. That's still true. Let's just hope things don't get blown out.
The problem is that the current administration is on a path to directly impact my job. I work in healthcare; any changes to the PPACA, especially the partial-dismantling they've argued for and almost passed once, will totally disrupt my work environment.
Now, granted, I'm hopefully only here for another year and a half. After that, I'll hopefully be in school full-time (don't know what I'll be doing for part-time work, but we'll see). But I'm going to school to pursue a career that fundamentally relies on optimism and a stable society: aerospace is a "luxury" science for the most part, though a significant amount is paid for through the military. If crap goes to hell like it's looking (he's frozen federal hiring with the intent to decrease government through attrition, he's gagged the EPA and the USDA, he's instructed agencies to play havoc with the PPACA financially, and Keystone XL is going through - and it's only day 5), there may not be much of an aerospace industry left when I'm ready to join it.
(And before anyone tells me that other countries may still be interested: the US spends more on Aerospace than the rest of the world combined. The whole space budget for the planet is less than the state of California spends on public education in a year. The *planet*. And that includes military spending on aerospace. If it dies here, it's dying everywhere.)
I'm not "worried", per se, and none of this changes any of my plans. I'm doing this because I want to do it, for me, and whatever comes from it will be dealt with. But these are all factors that have to be taken into account when I'm planning. Even things like trying to guess how the stock market will do and how that will affect my retirement savings.
Of course, that's all separate from the social chaos that is likely to come. Yes, I'm a white male, but I'm also gay and neurodivergent. Being in California may dent the effects some, but if I have to move out of state for school or work, who knows what the result will be (if it comes down to a choice of working for NASA in Alabama, Florida, or Texas, or working for a private company in a friendly area, I'll probably have to pass on NASA - and that would be a really shitty decision to have to make).
The title of this blog invokes a specific concept - that I can't do more than ride the wave function as it collapses, surfing as best I can on whatever the result happens to be. That's still true. Let's just hope things don't get blown out.
... On a more typical note...
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Classes for next semester are paid for. This'll be an honors programming course (with lab - so, a lot of hours per unit), multi-variable calculus, and physics 1c (which, for us, is electromagnetism). 14 units, though a heavy 14 units since it's effectively two labs. The physics class is a hybrid, meaning the lab is in person but everything else is online; my physics class last semester was the same thing, though with a different professor.
I also have to take the chem placement test sometime this semester so that I can take Chem 1A over the summer. See, I need two chem classes for some of the schools, and I also may want to take Physics 1D (which is relativity, quantum theory, and new discoveries) at my current school if a specific professor, who retired from CalTech to come to my school and teach "for fun", offers it in the next two semesters. Since that would be three labs and I only have two full semesters left, one would have to be over a summer or winter session, so that means this summer. I don't *need* Phys1D, but I'd like to take it with this specific prof if I can (and if it ends up being offered; he doesn't always teach it). Chem over the summer is going to suck, since that usually means one class four days a week (and I'm not even sure how I'll make it work with my schedule), but it's something I'm going to plan on doing.
... Oh, right, I got straight A's last semester, so I'm at 35 units and a 4.0 since I came back to school.
On the personal front, I'm finally going to be ending hanging out regularly with L, of whom I've spoken many times and who really has been an emotional and financial drain. Essentially, by the end of February, we'll stop our every-Saturday-night thing that I haven't really enjoyed in over a year and just hang out when it's desirable for both of us. I don't dislike the guy, but hanging out with him has become obligatory rather than enjoyable.
The Adderall is working pretty well. My doc just prescribed a booster for class days for next semester or on any day that I need it, which shouldn't be often outside of class. I seem to be pretty sensitive to the XR, so I've been told I can take up to 2 of the 5 mg instant-release tabs or as little as 1/2 a tab as a booster depending on what I need.
In general, I'm trying to look at what regular "habits" or routines I've gotten into that may not be beneficial or enjoyable - essentially, looking at the stuff I do just because "it's what I do" and changing it if it makes sense. I realize I'm (hopefully) going to have a major disruption to my life and lifestyle in 18 months, but clearing out some of the underbrush now (and, in some cases, saving money and paying down bills) gets me a leg up on those future changes.
I also have to take the chem placement test sometime this semester so that I can take Chem 1A over the summer. See, I need two chem classes for some of the schools, and I also may want to take Physics 1D (which is relativity, quantum theory, and new discoveries) at my current school if a specific professor, who retired from CalTech to come to my school and teach "for fun", offers it in the next two semesters. Since that would be three labs and I only have two full semesters left, one would have to be over a summer or winter session, so that means this summer. I don't *need* Phys1D, but I'd like to take it with this specific prof if I can (and if it ends up being offered; he doesn't always teach it). Chem over the summer is going to suck, since that usually means one class four days a week (and I'm not even sure how I'll make it work with my schedule), but it's something I'm going to plan on doing.
... Oh, right, I got straight A's last semester, so I'm at 35 units and a 4.0 since I came back to school.
On the personal front, I'm finally going to be ending hanging out regularly with L, of whom I've spoken many times and who really has been an emotional and financial drain. Essentially, by the end of February, we'll stop our every-Saturday-night thing that I haven't really enjoyed in over a year and just hang out when it's desirable for both of us. I don't dislike the guy, but hanging out with him has become obligatory rather than enjoyable.
The Adderall is working pretty well. My doc just prescribed a booster for class days for next semester or on any day that I need it, which shouldn't be often outside of class. I seem to be pretty sensitive to the XR, so I've been told I can take up to 2 of the 5 mg instant-release tabs or as little as 1/2 a tab as a booster depending on what I need.
In general, I'm trying to look at what regular "habits" or routines I've gotten into that may not be beneficial or enjoyable - essentially, looking at the stuff I do just because "it's what I do" and changing it if it makes sense. I realize I'm (hopefully) going to have a major disruption to my life and lifestyle in 18 months, but clearing out some of the underbrush now (and, in some cases, saving money and paying down bills) gets me a leg up on those future changes.
Cutting loose
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So, this is a bit of a random post, but it's something that was of interest for discussion at a party this last weekend.
I always assumed most gay guys realized that circumcision isn't always done the same way; I figured that anyone who had seen and especially played with more than a few dicks would realize that there are differences. Apparently that's not necessarily true. Since I'm a bit of an odd duck in this case, it's something I've always been aware of from my very first time.
I assume (or hope) that most guys know what an uncut dick looks like: glans ("head") totally covered while flaccid ("soft") and even at least partially covered when erect, with a thin constrictive band at the tip. I also assume that most guys know what a "typical" circumcision is like: glans totally uncovered, regardless of state, generally with very little motion or "loose skin" along the shaft. How that shaft skin is "created" for a circumcised guy (whether it was originally from the underside of the foreskin or from the outer skin) determines some of the sensitivity of the penis, but that's pretty minor in most cases. Circumcision can also be "loose" or "tight" - one friend described his cock as "about the same tightness as the skin on your finger", whereas other guys have a bit of movement (usually not enough to even bunch up under the base of the glans). Additionally, the frenulum - the band of skin that holds the foreskin to the base of the glans and usually attaches up by the urethra (it's similar to the flap that holds your lips to your gums in the middle) - is often removed during circumcision, usually being trimmed or shaped in the process.
I have what's known as a "partial circumcision". This isn't necessarily common - maybe 10% of guys, maybe less, though I'm given to understand it's a little more popular nowadays. Part of the reason is medical: when born, the foreskin and glans are essentially fused together; they don't actually separate naturally until later in life, generally by puberty. That means that, to circumcise a baby, the doctor is not only cutting off skin but manually separating the foreskin from the glans. They usually remove enough skin so that the glans is left completely uncovered; if they don't, the remaining skin can try and heal back to the glans again in what are called "adhesions".
In a partial circumcision, the "band" at the tip of the foreskin is removed as well as some of the foreskin, but the glans isn't necessarily left entirely uncovered. As stated, this can lead to adhesions, and in fact I had to be "circumcised" twice because of that (the second time was just removing the adhesions; no additional skin was removed). But the main thrust (ahem) is that, when soft, my glans is usually entirely covered; it pulls back when erect, but I still have enough skin that I can easily and comfortably nearly cover the glans even while erect. I also still have my frenulum intact. Visually, I've had guys question whether or not I was cut if they only see me flaccid; I definitely don't look entirely uncircumcised, but I don't look circumcised either.
There are a few results from this. One is that my glans seems to be more sensitive than most circumcised guys; that's likely because it is usually covered and so hasn't been as abraded. The base and underside of the glans, especially, around the frenulum, is *really* sensitive; I've actually orgasmed just by using a lubed finger and carefully rubbing just my frenulum for a few minutes. Speaking of lube, I also almost never use lube to masturbate: the skin is plenty loose enough that it isn't needed. I will once in a while, because it's an entirely different sensation, but I usually don't bother due to the extra clean-up needed. And, yes, I have to be more thorough when I shower, but that's not really a big deal.
Part of what I like about oral sex and playing with a guy's dick is figuring out their personal anatomy and sensitivity. I love to learn what will set a guy off, because it varies from guy to guy. I just never realized that other guys weren't necessarily aware of the differences.
None of this has anything to do with length or girth - I'm definitely not above (the real) average, but I'm not below, either. It may have something to do with "grower not a shower", since (at least in my experience) uncut guys seem to be smaller when flaccid: I think it has to do with the additional constriction the extra skin exerts, so it's compacted more when not explicitly engorged, whereas circumcised guys just essentially have a deflated bag sitting there with nothing to retract or compress it.
... Anyway, not at all my usual kind of topic, but what the hell.
I always assumed most gay guys realized that circumcision isn't always done the same way; I figured that anyone who had seen and especially played with more than a few dicks would realize that there are differences. Apparently that's not necessarily true. Since I'm a bit of an odd duck in this case, it's something I've always been aware of from my very first time.
I assume (or hope) that most guys know what an uncut dick looks like: glans ("head") totally covered while flaccid ("soft") and even at least partially covered when erect, with a thin constrictive band at the tip. I also assume that most guys know what a "typical" circumcision is like: glans totally uncovered, regardless of state, generally with very little motion or "loose skin" along the shaft. How that shaft skin is "created" for a circumcised guy (whether it was originally from the underside of the foreskin or from the outer skin) determines some of the sensitivity of the penis, but that's pretty minor in most cases. Circumcision can also be "loose" or "tight" - one friend described his cock as "about the same tightness as the skin on your finger", whereas other guys have a bit of movement (usually not enough to even bunch up under the base of the glans). Additionally, the frenulum - the band of skin that holds the foreskin to the base of the glans and usually attaches up by the urethra (it's similar to the flap that holds your lips to your gums in the middle) - is often removed during circumcision, usually being trimmed or shaped in the process.
I have what's known as a "partial circumcision". This isn't necessarily common - maybe 10% of guys, maybe less, though I'm given to understand it's a little more popular nowadays. Part of the reason is medical: when born, the foreskin and glans are essentially fused together; they don't actually separate naturally until later in life, generally by puberty. That means that, to circumcise a baby, the doctor is not only cutting off skin but manually separating the foreskin from the glans. They usually remove enough skin so that the glans is left completely uncovered; if they don't, the remaining skin can try and heal back to the glans again in what are called "adhesions".
In a partial circumcision, the "band" at the tip of the foreskin is removed as well as some of the foreskin, but the glans isn't necessarily left entirely uncovered. As stated, this can lead to adhesions, and in fact I had to be "circumcised" twice because of that (the second time was just removing the adhesions; no additional skin was removed). But the main thrust (ahem) is that, when soft, my glans is usually entirely covered; it pulls back when erect, but I still have enough skin that I can easily and comfortably nearly cover the glans even while erect. I also still have my frenulum intact. Visually, I've had guys question whether or not I was cut if they only see me flaccid; I definitely don't look entirely uncircumcised, but I don't look circumcised either.
There are a few results from this. One is that my glans seems to be more sensitive than most circumcised guys; that's likely because it is usually covered and so hasn't been as abraded. The base and underside of the glans, especially, around the frenulum, is *really* sensitive; I've actually orgasmed just by using a lubed finger and carefully rubbing just my frenulum for a few minutes. Speaking of lube, I also almost never use lube to masturbate: the skin is plenty loose enough that it isn't needed. I will once in a while, because it's an entirely different sensation, but I usually don't bother due to the extra clean-up needed. And, yes, I have to be more thorough when I shower, but that's not really a big deal.
Part of what I like about oral sex and playing with a guy's dick is figuring out their personal anatomy and sensitivity. I love to learn what will set a guy off, because it varies from guy to guy. I just never realized that other guys weren't necessarily aware of the differences.
None of this has anything to do with length or girth - I'm definitely not above (the real) average, but I'm not below, either. It may have something to do with "grower not a shower", since (at least in my experience) uncut guys seem to be smaller when flaccid: I think it has to do with the additional constriction the extra skin exerts, so it's compacted more when not explicitly engorged, whereas circumcised guys just essentially have a deflated bag sitting there with nothing to retract or compress it.
... Anyway, not at all my usual kind of topic, but what the hell.
To follow knowledge like a sinking star
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...Death closes all:
but something ere the end,
Some work of noble note, may yet be done,
Not unbecoming men that strove with Gods.
The lights begin to twinkle from the rocks:
The long day wanes: the slow moon climbs: the deep
Moans round with many voices.
Come, my friends,
'T is not too late to seek a newer world.
Push off, and sitting well in order smite
The sounding furrows; for my purpose holds
To sail beyond the sunset, and the baths
Of all the western stars, until I die.
It may be that the gulfs will wash us down:
It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles,
And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.
Tho' much is taken, much abides;
and tho'
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are;
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find...
... and not to yield.
Alfred, Lord Tennyson, from "Ulysses"
Doubt about self-doubt
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Everything's been busy. Classes this semester have required a fair bit more work. I'm doing well and haven't hit the mental crash-and-burn point I hit last semester (so, yay for that), but it's still a lot of work.
What I'm noticing more and more, though, is that I have trouble assessing my performance and capabilities. I mean, I know I know this stuff. I definitely understand the relationships and the concepts, and I actually like the material.
I've had at least one test in each of my classes now. After finishing them, my general impression is "high B, low A": usually, I can point to one or two problems that I'm almost positive I missed. Sometimes we have extra credit problems to make up a little, but not always.
Like, my first math test (Linear Algebra), I was pretty sure I got a mid to high B. I could pinpoint things that I remembered doing incorrectly. I got the test back, and it turns out I did most of it right; I ended up getting about 93%, the highest score in the class.
My second math test was similar: there were two problems I was reasonably sure I'd missed, and while I tried to work out the extra credit, I hadn't ever seen the items before and thus wasn't sure of them at all. I ended up only missing one of the problems, and I more than made up the difference with the extra credit (which it turns out I reasoned my way through pretty well). Final score, 101% - again, the highest score in the class (tied this time).
For Physics, I walked out convinced I'd blown one problem badly enough to maybe get a low or mid B on the test (there were only 4 problems plus one extra credit, which I thought I got partly right but wasn't sure about). It turns out I got the test 100% correct and got part of the extra credit, ending up with 118% as my final score (again, the highest grade in the class).
(Physics has a *lot* of extra credit, because the class is a hybrid where we're only on campus for labs. The rest is online without much actual instruction, so the professor makes up for it with extra credit - most of which is rather difficult or at least time-consuming, so it's not like "free points".)
Don't get me wrong - I'm glad to be doing this well. But I'd also like to be able to realistically assess how I'm doing as I go. I think it's a side-effect of the ADHD - or, rather, of living with it untreated for decades. I don't think the medication is making that much difference over the caffeine I used to self-medicate with, but I spent so long without any treatment (even figuring out the caffeine thing) that I just got used to screwing things up.
I spent most of my time in school being told I was a lazy genius but feeling like someone totally out of whack: I knew the material but couldn't stick with the day-to-day work. It seems like that self-doubt is still around. I mean, I know that I don't handle praise well - it's been a thing here at work - but this is a bit more than that.
I've always felt like I knew what I was good at, like I knew my limits and was totally comfortable within them. Now, I'm finding that I'm not quite as sure of what I'm good at - or, rather, that I'm better at some things that I seem to think I am. I'm not sure how to fix that.
What I'm noticing more and more, though, is that I have trouble assessing my performance and capabilities. I mean, I know I know this stuff. I definitely understand the relationships and the concepts, and I actually like the material.
I've had at least one test in each of my classes now. After finishing them, my general impression is "high B, low A": usually, I can point to one or two problems that I'm almost positive I missed. Sometimes we have extra credit problems to make up a little, but not always.
Like, my first math test (Linear Algebra), I was pretty sure I got a mid to high B. I could pinpoint things that I remembered doing incorrectly. I got the test back, and it turns out I did most of it right; I ended up getting about 93%, the highest score in the class.
My second math test was similar: there were two problems I was reasonably sure I'd missed, and while I tried to work out the extra credit, I hadn't ever seen the items before and thus wasn't sure of them at all. I ended up only missing one of the problems, and I more than made up the difference with the extra credit (which it turns out I reasoned my way through pretty well). Final score, 101% - again, the highest score in the class (tied this time).
For Physics, I walked out convinced I'd blown one problem badly enough to maybe get a low or mid B on the test (there were only 4 problems plus one extra credit, which I thought I got partly right but wasn't sure about). It turns out I got the test 100% correct and got part of the extra credit, ending up with 118% as my final score (again, the highest grade in the class).
(Physics has a *lot* of extra credit, because the class is a hybrid where we're only on campus for labs. The rest is online without much actual instruction, so the professor makes up for it with extra credit - most of which is rather difficult or at least time-consuming, so it's not like "free points".)
Don't get me wrong - I'm glad to be doing this well. But I'd also like to be able to realistically assess how I'm doing as I go. I think it's a side-effect of the ADHD - or, rather, of living with it untreated for decades. I don't think the medication is making that much difference over the caffeine I used to self-medicate with, but I spent so long without any treatment (even figuring out the caffeine thing) that I just got used to screwing things up.
I spent most of my time in school being told I was a lazy genius but feeling like someone totally out of whack: I knew the material but couldn't stick with the day-to-day work. It seems like that self-doubt is still around. I mean, I know that I don't handle praise well - it's been a thing here at work - but this is a bit more than that.
I've always felt like I knew what I was good at, like I knew my limits and was totally comfortable within them. Now, I'm finding that I'm not quite as sure of what I'm good at - or, rather, that I'm better at some things that I seem to think I am. I'm not sure how to fix that.
Self-care
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So, back in March, I wrote this:
While we were out, he asked me how classes were going. I told him I'd just finished my summer class (Psych 1, unofficially an A that will be official in a week or so) and was ready for a break.
"Well," he said, "because around March you were in pretty bad shape. ... I mean, and even asked about you, because we could all tell you were pretty far gone."
A few thoughts about this.
1) February, March, and April are my "down" months. For whatever reason, since I was 13, they've been the time of year when I seem more likely to get into a funk or just get stressed out. I know this and can prepare a little for it, but there it is.
2) I didn't realize I was so obviously overloaded. I mean, I tried to keep up appearances at least to an extent. I made and effort to hang out with the guys and goof off when I could. But I guess it still showed, and apparently showed a lot.
3) I'm... not really used to having people express concern about me like that. I like that they care that much, but it's still weird. I'm usually the one who notices details like that.
In the same vein, I had a meeting on Tuesday with my division (about 20 people). Our executive director is a social worker, so he comes once every few months and does a "check-in", where the question is an honest, "how are you feeling in your core?" People are generally pretty open and truthful about both work and home stress and how things are going.
This time, I ended up being last. While everyone else was talking, I didn't really think about what I was going to say; when it finally came to be my turn, I just paused a second and said, "I'm tired."
And it's true. June was going to be a busy month at work no matter what; projects just worked out that way. Then a few social things hit at the same time (a bachelor party, a wedding, some other stuff). Then Pulse happened, and all the fallout from that.
At this point, I don't feel burned out. I don't feel like I did in March - there's no depression-type dissociation or deadening. I'm just exhausted, socially and mentally. I'm on vacation next week, going to a resort in Palm Springs and hanging out with friends a little, but I need the break badly.
It wasn't school this time; I could do a Psych survey course in my sleep. Hell, I was correcting the textbook and sending notes to the professor (who forwarded them to the publisher) while we were going through the chapters. It was just too much to do with work and friends.
I don't know that I'm going to have any more 14-unit semesters any more; mathematically, I should be able to do 12-13 each semester without issue (I don't want to go below 12 or I'm no longer "full time"). But I definitely need to get back to taking my week off every quarter. I need the breaks.
This last month really kicked my ass. The first week of March, I was totally exhausted. It was the half-way point for the school year. My parents were back from vacation (which meant picking them up from the airport and dealing with traffic both ways; about 4 hours of driving total). I had a fairly difficult math test (got an 87%; not happy, but livable). Work was just being overwhelming.Yesterday, I was working from home and took a late lunch to drag a friend (who is currently unemployed and basically alone in his apartment all day while his hubby is off at work) out to get some fresh air and socialization.
While we were out, he asked me how classes were going. I told him I'd just finished my summer class (Psych 1, unofficially an A that will be official in a week or so) and was ready for a break.
"Well," he said, "because around March you were in pretty bad shape. ... I mean,
A few thoughts about this.
1) February, March, and April are my "down" months. For whatever reason, since I was 13, they've been the time of year when I seem more likely to get into a funk or just get stressed out. I know this and can prepare a little for it, but there it is.
2) I didn't realize I was so obviously overloaded. I mean, I tried to keep up appearances at least to an extent. I made and effort to hang out with the guys and goof off when I could. But I guess it still showed, and apparently showed a lot.
3) I'm... not really used to having people express concern about me like that. I like that they care that much, but it's still weird. I'm usually the one who notices details like that.
In the same vein, I had a meeting on Tuesday with my division (about 20 people). Our executive director is a social worker, so he comes once every few months and does a "check-in", where the question is an honest, "how are you feeling in your core?" People are generally pretty open and truthful about both work and home stress and how things are going.
This time, I ended up being last. While everyone else was talking, I didn't really think about what I was going to say; when it finally came to be my turn, I just paused a second and said, "I'm tired."
And it's true. June was going to be a busy month at work no matter what; projects just worked out that way. Then a few social things hit at the same time (a bachelor party, a wedding, some other stuff). Then Pulse happened, and all the fallout from that.
At this point, I don't feel burned out. I don't feel like I did in March - there's no depression-type dissociation or deadening. I'm just exhausted, socially and mentally. I'm on vacation next week, going to a resort in Palm Springs and hanging out with friends a little, but I need the break badly.
It wasn't school this time; I could do a Psych survey course in my sleep. Hell, I was correcting the textbook and sending notes to the professor (who forwarded them to the publisher) while we were going through the chapters. It was just too much to do with work and friends.
I don't know that I'm going to have any more 14-unit semesters any more; mathematically, I should be able to do 12-13 each semester without issue (I don't want to go below 12 or I'm no longer "full time"). But I definitely need to get back to taking my week off every quarter. I need the breaks.
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I plan. It's what I do. I make predictions about the future, decide which results are most likely, decide which results I want, and then make plans. Sometimes it's just about walking through a crowd. Sometimes it's about driving down the freeway, or getting a new computer, or going on vacation.
And sometimes it's about how to escape a crowded place if someone starts shooting.
It's possible that many people have heard of the Abbey. It's "the most popular gay bar in the world", according to some. It's certainly an icon in West Hollywood and has been for decades - about as long as I've been going there, actually. A big chunk of it is a building that used to house statuary (the Terra Cotta Inc, which Cooley bought years ago), and the whole front is brick pillars with rod-iron gates.
Many times, I've sat there and wondered what would happen if someone started shooting. I know about a third of the staff, including some of the security, and know they have contingency plans for some things. But someone could just drive by and shoot into the crowd. Someone could come in before security starts checking people. Someone could manage to get in the back door. A lot of things could happen.
After the shooting at Pulse this weekend and the separate capture of a heavily armed man in Santa Monica reportedly heading to West Hollywood, I assume a lot of people are going to be making plans. Well, fifty less than would have before :(
But I'm having trouble reacting to this. I don't think anyone knows that this exact kind of situation is something that has run through my mind, and I can't talk about it without scaring people who are already reasonably scared. So, I haven't really said much. I probably won't.
But I think my plans are going to get a little more explicit.
And sometimes it's about how to escape a crowded place if someone starts shooting.
It's possible that many people have heard of the Abbey. It's "the most popular gay bar in the world", according to some. It's certainly an icon in West Hollywood and has been for decades - about as long as I've been going there, actually. A big chunk of it is a building that used to house statuary (the Terra Cotta Inc, which Cooley bought years ago), and the whole front is brick pillars with rod-iron gates.
Many times, I've sat there and wondered what would happen if someone started shooting. I know about a third of the staff, including some of the security, and know they have contingency plans for some things. But someone could just drive by and shoot into the crowd. Someone could come in before security starts checking people. Someone could manage to get in the back door. A lot of things could happen.
After the shooting at Pulse this weekend and the separate capture of a heavily armed man in Santa Monica reportedly heading to West Hollywood, I assume a lot of people are going to be making plans. Well, fifty less than would have before :(
But I'm having trouble reacting to this. I don't think anyone knows that this exact kind of situation is something that has run through my mind, and I can't talk about it without scaring people who are already reasonably scared. So, I haven't really said much. I probably won't.
But I think my plans are going to get a little more explicit.
The Glorius 25th of May
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All the little angels rise up, rise up.
All the little angels rise up high!
How do they rise up, rise up, rise up?
How do they rise up, rise up high?
They rise heads up, heads up, heads up, they rise heads up, heads up high!
“That's a nice song," said young Sam, and Vimes remembered that he was hearing it for the first time.
"It's an old soldiers' song," he said.
"Really, sarge? But it's about angels."
Yes, thought Vimes, and it's amazing what bits those angels cause to rise up as the song progresses. It's a real soldiers' song: sentimental, with dirty bits.
"As I recall, they used to sing it after battles," he said. "I've seen old men cry when they sing it," he added.
"Why? It sounds cheerful."
They were remembering who they were not singing it with, thought Vimes. You'll learn. I know you will.
AAA
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School's out - for a few days, anyway. I'm taking an online summer course, just 6 weeks of online Psychology. I don't even have to buy a book (it's online and free). Should be pretty easy - 3 units, and it'll be over before my birthday. Definitely something I think I can handle.
... Especially after pulling straight As for 14 units while working (more than) full time. Going into the finals, I needed C's on everything to get As in the classes, so it wasn't necessarily much of a risk. This is why I stress out early on: so I don't have to stress out later :) I was still a little concerned about the CalcB test, just because it was so comprehensive with a lot to memorize, but I did well enough to get the A (not sure of the exact score; I just see the final class grades generally).
My last essay for English got a 96%; the prof's only comment was that I probably tried to tackle too much. Basically, it was analyzing the treatment of gays in the US from the civil war to the 1960s and comparing some of the underlying factors to the treatment of Jews in pre-WWII Germany. It's actually a pretty good paper, though rather depressing. I may post it at some point.
Also, the paper I was working on with my boss is officially "in publication", meaning I'm now (or shortly will be) a published researcher. Okay, yes, I'm 5th author, and it's a pretty crappy paper (in the sense that I don't really think it's all that valuable to science), but it's a publication in a reputable psychology journal nonetheless. I wonder if I should mention that to my Psych prof when the class starts. I bet I'll be the only student with an RG score :) No h-index yet, though.
Still trying to decide what to do for my birthday. I definitely want to go to a gay resort of some kind, but I don't want to spend a grand doing it.
Speaking of, I need to lose weight. School 4 nights a week + homework the rest of the week means I haven't done much exercising for 4 months. I started up again last week, and am keeping it pretty regularly (nothing too intensive), so hopefully I'll start seeing some results soon. I'm also trying to eat healthier again: school also screwed with my making-meals-at-home schedule, so I was eating out way too much.
... Especially after pulling straight As for 14 units while working (more than) full time. Going into the finals, I needed C's on everything to get As in the classes, so it wasn't necessarily much of a risk. This is why I stress out early on: so I don't have to stress out later :) I was still a little concerned about the CalcB test, just because it was so comprehensive with a lot to memorize, but I did well enough to get the A (not sure of the exact score; I just see the final class grades generally).
My last essay for English got a 96%; the prof's only comment was that I probably tried to tackle too much. Basically, it was analyzing the treatment of gays in the US from the civil war to the 1960s and comparing some of the underlying factors to the treatment of Jews in pre-WWII Germany. It's actually a pretty good paper, though rather depressing. I may post it at some point.
Also, the paper I was working on with my boss is officially "in publication", meaning I'm now (or shortly will be) a published researcher. Okay, yes, I'm 5th author, and it's a pretty crappy paper (in the sense that I don't really think it's all that valuable to science), but it's a publication in a reputable psychology journal nonetheless. I wonder if I should mention that to my Psych prof when the class starts. I bet I'll be the only student with an RG score :) No h-index yet, though.
Still trying to decide what to do for my birthday. I definitely want to go to a gay resort of some kind, but I don't want to spend a grand doing it.
Speaking of, I need to lose weight. School 4 nights a week + homework the rest of the week means I haven't done much exercising for 4 months. I started up again last week, and am keeping it pretty regularly (nothing too intensive), so hopefully I'll start seeing some results soon. I'm also trying to eat healthier again: school also screwed with my making-meals-at-home schedule, so I was eating out way too much.
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