Reaction

I plan.  It's what I do.  I make predictions about the future, decide which results are most likely, decide which results I want, and then make plans.  Sometimes it's just about walking through a crowd.  Sometimes it's about driving down the freeway, or getting a new computer, or going on vacation.

And sometimes it's about how to escape a crowded place if someone starts shooting.

It's possible that many people have heard of the Abbey.  It's "the most popular gay bar in the world", according to some.  It's certainly an icon in West Hollywood and has been for decades - about as long as I've been going there, actually.  A big chunk of it is a building that used to house statuary (the Terra Cotta Inc, which Cooley bought years ago), and the whole front is brick pillars with rod-iron gates.

Many times, I've sat there and wondered what would happen if someone started shooting.  I know about a third of the staff, including some of the security, and know they have contingency plans for some things.  But someone could just drive by and shoot into the crowd.  Someone could come in before security starts checking people.  Someone could manage to get in the back door.  A lot of things could happen.

After the shooting at Pulse this weekend and the separate capture of a heavily armed man in Santa Monica reportedly heading to West Hollywood, I assume a lot of people are going to be making plans.  Well, fifty less than would have before :(

But I'm having trouble reacting to this.  I don't think anyone knows that this exact kind of situation is something that has run through my mind, and I can't talk about it without scaring people who are already reasonably scared.  So, I haven't really said much.  I probably won't.

But I think my plans are going to get a little more explicit.

The Glorius 25th of May

All the little angels rise up, rise up.
All the little angels rise up high!
How do they rise up, rise up, rise up?
How do they rise up, rise up high?
They rise heads up, heads up, heads up, they rise heads up, heads up high!

“That's a nice song," said young Sam, and Vimes remembered that he was hearing it for the first time.
"It's an old soldiers' song," he said.
"Really, sarge? But it's about angels."
Yes, thought Vimes, and it's amazing what bits those angels cause to rise up as the song progresses. It's a real soldiers' song: sentimental, with dirty bits.
"As I recall, they used to sing it after battles," he said. "I've seen old men cry when they sing it," he added.
"Why? It sounds cheerful."
They were remembering who they were not singing it with, thought Vimes. You'll learn. I know you will.

AAA

School's out - for a few days, anyway.  I'm taking an online summer course, just 6 weeks of online Psychology.  I don't even have to buy a book (it's online and free).  Should be pretty easy - 3 units, and it'll be over before my birthday.  Definitely something I think I can handle.

... Especially after pulling straight As for 14 units while working (more than) full time.  Going into the finals,  I needed C's on everything to get As in the classes, so it wasn't necessarily much of a risk.  This is why I stress out early on: so I don't have to stress out later :)  I was still a little concerned about the CalcB test, just because it was so comprehensive with a lot to memorize, but I did well enough to get the A (not sure of the exact score; I just see the final class grades generally).

My last essay for English got a 96%; the prof's only comment was that I probably tried to tackle too much.  Basically, it was analyzing the treatment of gays in the US from the civil war to the 1960s and comparing some of the underlying factors to the treatment of Jews in pre-WWII Germany.  It's actually a pretty good paper, though rather depressing.  I may post it at some point.

Also, the paper I was working on with my boss is officially "in publication", meaning I'm now (or shortly will be) a published researcher.  Okay, yes, I'm 5th author, and it's a pretty crappy paper (in the sense that I don't really think it's all that valuable to science), but it's a publication in a reputable psychology journal nonetheless.  I wonder if I should mention that to my Psych prof when the class starts.  I bet I'll be the only student with an RG score :)  No h-index yet, though.

Still trying to decide what to do for my birthday.  I definitely want to go to a gay resort of some kind, but I don't want to spend a grand doing it.

Speaking of, I need to lose weight.  School 4 nights a week + homework the rest of the week means I haven't done much exercising for 4 months.  I started up again last week, and am keeping it pretty regularly (nothing too intensive), so hopefully I'll start seeing some results soon.  I'm also trying to eat healthier again: school also screwed with my making-meals-at-home schedule, so I was eating out way too much.

Getting sorted

So, still getting used to the Concerta.  It seems to really get going about 3-4 hours after I take it - I get a period of feeling a bit weird, but then it clears up.  I definitely know when it wears off in the afternoon.  It seems to be helping while it lasts  without having some of the personality-effects that caffeine has, so, all in all I'm optimistic.

I got a 95% on my math test.  His overall grading is a bit odd: there are four chapter tests, then a final which "counts" as two tests.  He drops the lowest of the tests: if a chapter test is the lowest, then he counts the remaining three plus twice the final; if the final is the lowest, he counts it as one test and uses the four chapter tests.

Based on that logic, I've got a 91.6% average on 3 tests right now - that's essentially 3 90% tests plus 5 "extra" percentage points between them.  That means that if I bomb the next test, I need an 87.5% on the final to get an A in the class.  If I get anything higher than an 87% on the next test, then I can go lower on the final (my lowest test score was an 87%).  Because of how it works, if I get, say, a 90% on the next test, I could theoretically count all four tests (giving me 87%, 93%, 95%, and 90%, or 4 90% test with 5% extra) and get an 85% on the final.  If I pulled off a 100% on the next test (not likely, but hey), I could get a 75% on the final.

And even then, I've got a few extra percentage points to play with, since the grade isn't based exclusively on the tests: we've got homework that we get credit for.  It's only 5% of the grade, but that's enough for a half-percent leeway on tests.  Plus, I've got a couple extra credit percentages that are raw percents added to the final grade, so really I could average 87.5% on the tests and still get an A.

I don't want to push it to that, and I'd rather have more leeway than I have, but it's much better than being behind and needing to catch up.  Essentially, it's almost certain I'll get straight As this semester provided I actually take the finals and turn in my essays.

Only a month left in classes.  Haven't fully decided what to do for the summer sessions; my math teacher from last semester actually hit me up to take his calc C class this summer, but agreed with me that it is going to be rough (6 weeks, 4 hours a night and 4 nights a week).  So, that probably won't happen, though I'm honored he sought me out and asked me.  My English teacher also asked if I'd be his TA - not sure if he was joking or not, and he hasn't clarified yet.

First Day

So, I'm not sure what this is.

I'm off caffeine for the next two weeks, because apparently it and the meds can interact.  That normally means I get less-focused and really hyper (which is why I drink it and why I'm looking into meds).

Today, I'm not that. I don't know what I am.

I feel tired.  That's probably the stimulant - a cup of coffee is enough to make me want to nap (if I can't sleep, I'll usually make myself a cup of Kona coffee; 30 minutes later, I'll be fast asleep), so it makes sense that one of the effects would be relaxing me.  But in my head, I'm just kind of fuzzy right now.

People I've spoken to have said it can take up to two weeks to adjust and have the intended effects start to surface.  I've got time, so we'll see this through.  But it's a good thing I had no meetings today.

Lookit all them letters

So, it's official.  I am an Adult with ADHD (primarily hyperactive type, some inattentive).  I've got a piece of paper that says so.

I've also got a prescription for Concerta that I'll be starting on Thursday - I've got a test Wednesday, and we both agreed that fucking around with psychoactive substances before a test is a bad idea.  After Wednesday, I've got a couple of low-key weeks, which should be enough time to figure out if it's helping or not.

To do so, though, I have to stop the ritual caffeine, so I need to warn the coworkers about that.  Could be interesting.

Got 100% on my last essay for English.  Just turned in the first draft for the next one.  Also, the summer schedule has been released; I don't register until mid-April, but I'm going to try to take two 3-unit online classes, Psych and US Government.  They'd both end by 6/23, so I would still have a summer and time to take vacation for my birthday.

Off to calc shortly for the pre-test review session.

Over half way

Wow, and I was doing so well at posting regularly for a while.

This last month really kicked my ass.  The first week of March, I was totally exhausted.  It was the half-way point for the school year.  My parents were back from vacation (which meant picking them up from the airport and dealing with traffic both ways; about 4 hours of driving total).  I had a fairly difficult math test (got an 87%; not happy, but livable).  Work was just being overwhelming.

The second week of March was spring break, and I took it off from work as well as school.  I ended up getting sick at the start and didn't feel better until Wednesday, so half the time I had off just disappeared.  I did manage to catch up on my sleep, however, and things have been a bit better since then.

Case in point, we had a Physics test on Tuesday and got our scores back last night.  The average for the class was a 62%, with the lowest grade at 27%.  I and three others got 100%.  So, that tells you just how badly most of the class did.  I'm thrilled about the 100%, though - that means that without even taking the final test, I've passed the class, and I only need a 72% on the final to get an A.

There's a calc test next week, though, and I need to get a decent A on that one to be comfortable.  It's doable - even on the last test, I didn't miss any of the fundamentals.  My problem was, as usual, the dyslexia and ADD: transposing numbers, dropping things, and on one problem, I set it up perfectly with the right substitution and then just totally didn't carry it through (no idea what happened there - it's like my brain reset half-way through the problem without realizing it).  So, I'm going to try and make sure I get enough sleep that day and relax a bit before class, as being tired makes both disorders that much worse.

Speaking of which, my appointment to be officially diagnosed with adult ADHD is on Monday.  At that point, we start talking about medication (either triage or long-term), which makes me both nervous and excited.

Anyway, I've got an install I'm doing remotely for a customer here in about 15 minutes (which is why I'm up and on the computer at 6:45 am local time; my alarm is normally set for 6:55).  Off to pretend to be professional!

Fitting in

Okay, so, here's a different thing here - I'm going to ask for advice.  I mean, I know not many people read, but hey, can't hurt.

So, here's my schedule:

Monday: up at 6:55ish.  At work by 7:30.  Leave work around 4, home by 4:30.  Change, get some dinner, do some homework, leave by 6 for class.  Home by 10.

Tuesday: up at 6:55ish.  At work by 7:30.  Leave work around 4, home by 4:30.  Change, run out the door by 5 for class.  Home by 8ish, then dinner and homework.

Wednesday: same as Monday

Thursday: up at 6:55ish.  At work by 7:30.  Leave work around 12 (usually skipping lunch), in class until 7 to 8 (varies).  Home by 8, then dinner and homework.

Friday: up at 6:55ish.  At work by 7:30.  Leave work around 4, home by 4:30.  Friday nights I "take off" from school, so dinner at some point, maybe a night out at friends' places.

Saturday: up at 9:30, school work until noon or 1, eat lunch, housework until 4, shower and leave to go out for Saturday night, home by midnight generally.

Sunday: up at 10.  My most open day; usually I'll do a little homework at some point, but I try to relax.

(I also do homework as much as possible while at work - during conference calls, during my lunch break, etc.)

So, given all that... how the hell do I fit any kind of workout routine in there?  I'm not an hours-at-the-gym kind of person anyway, so that's not a concern, but I would like to have at least some kind of focused effort a few days a week.  I'd also like to get in my walks and such again, even if just on the treadmill, as I feel better when I do more.  But I can't really do math or physics problems while walking.  I can get up a little earlier (say, 10-15 minutes maybe) and do some stuff in the morning, but realistically (just being honest) if I'm not in bed from 10 to mostly 7 most nights I go downhill fast (yes, I need 9 hours of sleep to be healthy; I'm a teenager at heart).

Also, I need tips on quick, easy, healthy meals (not necessarily low-call, but just healthier in general) that I can prepare on Sundays for the week since most of the time I don't have time to really cook.  I'd love to be able to eat between work and class most nights, as I hate eating late, and I need to stop the fast-food cycle.

So, anyway, if you have any suggestions, please leave them below, and thanks :)

Voices carry

Ugh.

So, math test last Wednesday.  I know I screwed up at least part of one problem, and walking out of the test, I felt like that was the only issue.

I think we're getting them back today - in just over an hour, actually - and all day my anxiety level has been ramping up.  If I got partial credit and that was the only thing I missed, I probably got mid-90s.  If I didn't get partial credit or I messed up on something else, best I can hope for is likely a 90.  If both, then less than 90.  And as the day goes on, the little voices just keep ratcheting up.

"I probably blew it.  This is going to be my lowest score ever.  I'm going to start off the semester with a B - or worse - and spend the rest trying to catch up.  I won't be able to catch up.  I'm going to get a B in the class, and it'll be the first in the slide down.  I won't get the grades I need.  I'm a failure.  Of course I blew it."

I know it isn't rational, but *because* it's not rational pointing that out isn't useful.  I mean, yes, there's a chance I got a B - of course there is - but I don't think so.  I just don't know how he grades.  There's also some (limited) extra credit, as well as the fact that he drops the lowest test score.

But this is important to me, and because it's important, the OCD really hammers down.

I'm not going to post this until after class - I'll update it with the actual grade.  But writing it down helps, at least a little.  Getting it out of my head, even just temporarily, makes it a little less powerful.

Anyway, off to class.

***

So, a 92/100. A-.  That's worse than I wanted to do, but still an A, so I'll live.  The mistakes were silly, and if I took the same test again, I likely wouldn't make them.  Hopefully this will be my lowest score.  It also doesn't include any extra credit points (which don't count until the end of the semester), so realistically, I'm probably at a 95% or higher in the class right now.

What's scary is that I apparently got the only A.  Which means I also have the only A in the class at this point.  I fully suspect that the next class session will have about half as many people in attendance.  The professor seemed pretty depressed, actually.  I think he took the general failure of the students personally.

Oh well, I know now, and the anxiety of anticipation is gone.  Up, up, and away.

Keeping up

I'm... annoyed.

(That seems to be common lately.)

Math is going well; the first test is on Wednesday.  I expect to do well (I never say 100%, because ADHD and dyslexia make that last 1% really really tough), and I've already got the most extra credit in the class (don't ask; apparently, no one else is even trying), so, should be fine.

It's the other classes.

Don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying physics.  Even the labs where the equipment is being all funky and throwing my OCD off.  The problem is that we've turned in two labs already and are about to turn in our third, but the professor hasn't even returned the first.  So, I've got no idea if the format and process I'm using for the labs is what he wants, and I won't know until 25% of the labs are turned in.  Meaning, if they're not, I could be blowing a quarter of my lab grade.  Grr.

And with English, it's even worse.  I just turned in my first draft of my first English essay, but the professor hasn't "graded" or commented on our outlines at all.  Or graded or commented on any assignment with actual writing samples that we've done.  Or, frankly, anything after the two assignments due the first 3 days of class.  We know he's alive - he's posted stuff - but you'd never know it by the grading.

And that's what frustrates me.  College is about education and learning, and - yes - students need to bring their best to the classes.  But that's only half the equation: instructors are there to do a job, and I'm feeling like these two instructors are (at least at this point) not holding up their end of the bargain.

At least my Physics prof apologized for not having the labs back last Tuesday; I'm hoping we get at least one of them tomorrow.  But the final English essay is due on Saturday; while we're supposed to have peer review due Wednesday, I don't know that he's actually looked at any of the essays at all yet.  If it gets to be tomorrow night and we haven't been assigned papers to review, I'm going to email him.

... Oh well, it'll work out somehow.  But I'm annoyed.

I don't think I've mentioned it yet, but I got a 100% on my calc final last semester; I ran into my old professor and asked him if he could send me the grade, and he finally did.  So, that's pretty awesome (especially given the ADHD/dyslexia thing above).

Speaking of ADHD/dyslexia, still no appointment to confirm diagnosis yet.  Might not be until the end of the month.  I'm also taking Spring Break off from work, so the second week of March will be totally open.