Fitting in

Okay, so, here's a different thing here - I'm going to ask for advice.  I mean, I know not many people read, but hey, can't hurt.

So, here's my schedule:

Monday: up at 6:55ish.  At work by 7:30.  Leave work around 4, home by 4:30.  Change, get some dinner, do some homework, leave by 6 for class.  Home by 10.

Tuesday: up at 6:55ish.  At work by 7:30.  Leave work around 4, home by 4:30.  Change, run out the door by 5 for class.  Home by 8ish, then dinner and homework.

Wednesday: same as Monday

Thursday: up at 6:55ish.  At work by 7:30.  Leave work around 12 (usually skipping lunch), in class until 7 to 8 (varies).  Home by 8, then dinner and homework.

Friday: up at 6:55ish.  At work by 7:30.  Leave work around 4, home by 4:30.  Friday nights I "take off" from school, so dinner at some point, maybe a night out at friends' places.

Saturday: up at 9:30, school work until noon or 1, eat lunch, housework until 4, shower and leave to go out for Saturday night, home by midnight generally.

Sunday: up at 10.  My most open day; usually I'll do a little homework at some point, but I try to relax.

(I also do homework as much as possible while at work - during conference calls, during my lunch break, etc.)

So, given all that... how the hell do I fit any kind of workout routine in there?  I'm not an hours-at-the-gym kind of person anyway, so that's not a concern, but I would like to have at least some kind of focused effort a few days a week.  I'd also like to get in my walks and such again, even if just on the treadmill, as I feel better when I do more.  But I can't really do math or physics problems while walking.  I can get up a little earlier (say, 10-15 minutes maybe) and do some stuff in the morning, but realistically (just being honest) if I'm not in bed from 10 to mostly 7 most nights I go downhill fast (yes, I need 9 hours of sleep to be healthy; I'm a teenager at heart).

Also, I need tips on quick, easy, healthy meals (not necessarily low-call, but just healthier in general) that I can prepare on Sundays for the week since most of the time I don't have time to really cook.  I'd love to be able to eat between work and class most nights, as I hate eating late, and I need to stop the fast-food cycle.

So, anyway, if you have any suggestions, please leave them below, and thanks :)

Voices carry

Ugh.

So, math test last Wednesday.  I know I screwed up at least part of one problem, and walking out of the test, I felt like that was the only issue.

I think we're getting them back today - in just over an hour, actually - and all day my anxiety level has been ramping up.  If I got partial credit and that was the only thing I missed, I probably got mid-90s.  If I didn't get partial credit or I messed up on something else, best I can hope for is likely a 90.  If both, then less than 90.  And as the day goes on, the little voices just keep ratcheting up.

"I probably blew it.  This is going to be my lowest score ever.  I'm going to start off the semester with a B - or worse - and spend the rest trying to catch up.  I won't be able to catch up.  I'm going to get a B in the class, and it'll be the first in the slide down.  I won't get the grades I need.  I'm a failure.  Of course I blew it."

I know it isn't rational, but *because* it's not rational pointing that out isn't useful.  I mean, yes, there's a chance I got a B - of course there is - but I don't think so.  I just don't know how he grades.  There's also some (limited) extra credit, as well as the fact that he drops the lowest test score.

But this is important to me, and because it's important, the OCD really hammers down.

I'm not going to post this until after class - I'll update it with the actual grade.  But writing it down helps, at least a little.  Getting it out of my head, even just temporarily, makes it a little less powerful.

Anyway, off to class.

***

So, a 92/100. A-.  That's worse than I wanted to do, but still an A, so I'll live.  The mistakes were silly, and if I took the same test again, I likely wouldn't make them.  Hopefully this will be my lowest score.  It also doesn't include any extra credit points (which don't count until the end of the semester), so realistically, I'm probably at a 95% or higher in the class right now.

What's scary is that I apparently got the only A.  Which means I also have the only A in the class at this point.  I fully suspect that the next class session will have about half as many people in attendance.  The professor seemed pretty depressed, actually.  I think he took the general failure of the students personally.

Oh well, I know now, and the anxiety of anticipation is gone.  Up, up, and away.

Keeping up

I'm... annoyed.

(That seems to be common lately.)

Math is going well; the first test is on Wednesday.  I expect to do well (I never say 100%, because ADHD and dyslexia make that last 1% really really tough), and I've already got the most extra credit in the class (don't ask; apparently, no one else is even trying), so, should be fine.

It's the other classes.

Don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying physics.  Even the labs where the equipment is being all funky and throwing my OCD off.  The problem is that we've turned in two labs already and are about to turn in our third, but the professor hasn't even returned the first.  So, I've got no idea if the format and process I'm using for the labs is what he wants, and I won't know until 25% of the labs are turned in.  Meaning, if they're not, I could be blowing a quarter of my lab grade.  Grr.

And with English, it's even worse.  I just turned in my first draft of my first English essay, but the professor hasn't "graded" or commented on our outlines at all.  Or graded or commented on any assignment with actual writing samples that we've done.  Or, frankly, anything after the two assignments due the first 3 days of class.  We know he's alive - he's posted stuff - but you'd never know it by the grading.

And that's what frustrates me.  College is about education and learning, and - yes - students need to bring their best to the classes.  But that's only half the equation: instructors are there to do a job, and I'm feeling like these two instructors are (at least at this point) not holding up their end of the bargain.

At least my Physics prof apologized for not having the labs back last Tuesday; I'm hoping we get at least one of them tomorrow.  But the final English essay is due on Saturday; while we're supposed to have peer review due Wednesday, I don't know that he's actually looked at any of the essays at all yet.  If it gets to be tomorrow night and we haven't been assigned papers to review, I'm going to email him.

... Oh well, it'll work out somehow.  But I'm annoyed.

I don't think I've mentioned it yet, but I got a 100% on my calc final last semester; I ran into my old professor and asked him if he could send me the grade, and he finally did.  So, that's pretty awesome (especially given the ADHD/dyslexia thing above).

Speaking of ADHD/dyslexia, still no appointment to confirm diagnosis yet.  Might not be until the end of the month.  I'm also taking Spring Break off from work, so the second week of March will be totally open.

Proving

I came across an article in the LA Times today about a woman in Montana who came to the US illegally and then set up a restaurant.  Apparently, this woman has more complications in the story, but a line towards the end of the article struck a nerve.  In referring to the anti-immigration folks who hang out in her restaurant and like her, the following statement is made.

"Mora said she just wishes that, when it comes to illegal immigration, 'they didn't see me as the exception. There are many like me across the nation. We had to come illegally. There was no other way.'"

Ignore the politics of illegal immigration.  Ignore left-wing/right-wing.  Focus on this one phrase.

The exception.

Like Mora, I'm generally the exception.  I'm the gay guy who doesn't "act gay."  I'm the smart guy who isn't "weird and awkward."  I've been the younger guy who didn't "act like a twink."  I'm now an older guy who doesn't "act 40."  I'm the dyslexic who likes to read.  I'm the ADHD guy with a successful career.

And every time someone around me stereotypes a group I belong to and I point out that I don't fit the stereotype, I hear, "But you're different," or, "You're the exception."

It's some kind shitty no-true-Scotsman in reverse: because I don't fit the stereotype, I can't be part of the group and, therefore, people can like me or trust me or be friends with me and still talk shit about the group to which I belong.  I'm the excuse, the clearance that says it's okay to continue being bigots, even if they only hear it in their own heads.

And it comes pretty damned close to feeling abusive.  It's making me a party to bigotry, even if I don't want to be.  Like some company I hate using my image without my permission to advertise their product.

And to top it off, when I challenge it, I'll get some version of the quote, "It's the exception that proves the rule."  And they'll smirk and continue on as if they've won the discussion.

In that context, to "prove" means to test, assholes, not to confirm.  Exceptions test rules - and often find them faulty.

I guess knowing that makes me yet another exception.

Back and forth

Classes start today.

They did something weird on the financial side - they gave me a credit for the entire amount of my enrollment fees, which is exactly what they'd do if I were dropping all my classes.  Except I'm still enrolled and still have all the classes on my schedule in every way I can view it, so I had no idea what the heck was going on.  The financial office over the phone said, "Oh, it looks like you dropped all your classes," and then couldn't confirm or deny if I was actually still enrolled in anything.

And, of course, admissions is slammed with first-day-of-classes stuff, so they're only taking voicemail messages over the phone with a 72-hour turnaround.  The net result is that I just had to drive over to campus in morning traffic, pay for parking (because my parking pass is at home), and wait in line for 20 minutes to get told, "Oh, it's just a glitch.  Yes, you're still enrolled, and we show your balance as $0."  And it looks like it's all corrected online now.  So, yay for knowing and there being no issue, not-yay for all the hassle.

Also, tomorrow morning at 3 a.m. I get to drive my parents to the airport, which means heading over there after class tonight (I get out at 9:30, theoretically, but since it's the first class, it'll likely be earlier), spending the night there, driving them to LAX, then going home and sleeping for a couple more hours.  Then off to work and my first physics class after work tomorrow.  I will sleep well tomorrow night.

Another wrinkle is the fact that I have to pick my parents up in early March at exactly the time of one of my classes, so I'm guaranteed to miss one day.  I hope it's not the day of something like a midterm, because that would get really complicated.  The fact that it's the week before spring break makes me nervous, but as the labs are on Thursday, I hope most of the tests and such will be as well.  I won't know about that until tomorrow, though.

I need a nap.

Back to work

I had lunch with the bestie on Wednesday, something that is always fun and never happens often enough.

The conversation meandered across topics, like the best ones do, but a couple of important things came up.  One, I helped him realize that some of the mania he's going through is almost certainly due to stress (whereas my ADHD and OCD ramp up when I get stressed out, his mania ramps up) that he wasn't necessarily directly aware of.

Two, we were talking about my going back to school and such.  And he said something that is probably important.  I was going on about the SpaceX landing and KSP and some of the math from last semester.  A few minutes later, he said, "I want you to realize something.  I've seen you display interest in things and ideas and geek out about stuff, but I've never seen you get actually animated and excited about anything.  Until you start talking about going to school."

Bear in mind, this is someone who has been my best friend for about 15 years now.  He's right, of course - I don't really get passionate about anything.  I have a lot of interests, but they're casual.  I'm an information junkie, so learning new things is just something I do.  But I've started shifting from anxiety-freefall about school to actually being excited about it.  I find myself smiling when I think about classes (which start next week).

This is certainly going to be an interesting year.

I have decided, however, I need to get back into taking time off.  Even if I'm not traveling anywhere, just having vacation time when I'm not worried about work is important.  This last week was great.  I didn't get in the car from Monday afternoon until Saturday noon (and that was to go get an oil change).  Now, with school, it's going to get a little weird, but it's definitely something I need to do.

Oh, and today (well, yesterday, really) is my 5-year anniversary at the current job.  Yay for that, I guess :)

Also, renewing my lease (technically, it's up in March), which has me thinking about planning my eventual move.  2.5 years isn't really that long a time, and the next lease is for 14 months, making it come due at the end of June in 2017.  At that point, it'll be a year or so until I'm hopefully off to college.  Weird to be planning for such a thing this far in advance, but it's what we do.

Castles in the air

A in Calc 1A.  I only know that because the grades are officially published; haven't heard anything from the professor about how well I did on the final itself, but the A in the class is the important part.

That started me down a rabbithole regarding my prior college experience and how it's going to affect me going forward, though.  In short, 20 years ago, I got Fs in 6 classes over two semesters because I tried signing up and then basically never went. 

Now, in most situations, you can go through a process called "academic renewal" or "forgiveness" and erase up to two semesters from the past.  My current school will do that once you get enough credits with good enough grades.  But they can't/won't "erase" the grades from another school.  And the old school doesn't count other institutions in its forgiveness policy: I'd have to attend 24 units there to get them to process the renewal.  Since it's 50 miles away and, frankly, I'm not sure I can find 24 units worth of classes I can take online, that's not likely to happen.

The other option is to re-take those classes at the new school and get better grades in them.  I can do that for most of them, I think, but only one (maybe two; the second isn't exact) would count towards the classes I need to transfer.  And I'm already running smack into the maximum transferable credits limit.  So, if I take them, I'll have to do so in addition to everything else I'm taking.

That's not necessarily impossible.  I could do one or two over the summer, for example.

If I *don't* wipe them out somehow, the absolute best I could possibly do GPA-wise including the transferred classes is about a 3.2, and that's if I get straight As at the current school.  It's entirely likely that I could go just submit to 4-years point out that those two semesters were 20 years ago and thus not representative of my recent progress; I know the "fail-safe" school will accept that kind of statement, as long as it's explained.  I just don't know about some of the others.

So, I've got some deciding to do, and I'll need to talk to the counselor to find out exactly what the options are.  There's also the off-chance that the old school will change its policy at some point, or that I could petition them separately and have them consider forgiving those semesters or at least turning them into Ws anyway (especially since there's no real way to meet the requirements as stated).

But the main point is that I have several possible paths, and some realistic options in each of them.  In spite of the potential difficulties here, I'm actually comforted by looking into it.

In happier/more general news, really geeking out about the SpaceX landing last night.  I watched it happen "live" and was basically cheering right along with the staff in Torrance.  This kind of thing is exactly why I'm pursuing an aerospace degree, even if I'll be in my 40s before I get it.

For both of these topics, there's a quote from Pratchett that seems appropriate:

It takes someone with their feet planted firmly on the ground to build castles in the air.

The permanent blur

I've started the process of renewing my ADHD diagnosis.  I'm not sure what I'll do when (if?) it's renewed - I've never much liked the idea of medication, but there may be advantages for school.

But the initial intake meeting with a therapist in the psychiatry department kind of threw me a little.

Talking with the therapist, we went over all the ways I've learned to compensate: making lists, setting timers and reminders, using routines and patterns, handling tasks in the moment rather than delaying them until later (when they'll get forgotten), planning ahead (sometimes excessively), double-checking my work almost constantly, etc.

After going over all this, and as we're getting ready to leave, I made a comment like, "But, even with all this, I'm generally content and happy."

She kind of smiled at me and said, "Well, other than the constant anxiety and self doubt, right?"

I looked at her questioningly, and she stopped walking and rattled off half a dozen things I'd just said - but pointed out how almost all of them involve being unsure of myself or assuming that I'm going to make errors or screw up.  "You're compensating well, but you're still compensating.  That has to take its toll over time."  She just watched me a moment, and then said, "... and you never even realized that was there, did you?"

"No," I replied, "I didn't.  But you're right."

One of my favorite quotes comes from the play "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead":

All your life you live so close to truth, it becomes a permanent blur in the corner of your eye, and when something nudges it into outline it is like being ambushed by a grotesque.

 I know people who are wracked with self-doubt.  I know people who have massive cases of imposter syndrome.  I know folks for whom depression is a day-to-day struggle.  Whenever I think of anxiety or self-doubt, I think about these people.

But the truth is, she's right.  My reason for seeking out the new diagnosis, for making it official, is (and I told her this) because I want to have every possible tool at my disposal for succeeding in school.  It's important to me this time, far more than I realized until a few weeks ago - and to be frank, there's a part of me that is absolutely terrified at screwing up again.

I've openly told people that I'm keeping the fact of attending school under wraps because I don't know if I'll keep at it or make it through: I dropped out once, so while I think things have changed significantly, I have to accept the possibility that I'll blow it again this time for whatever reason.  That *is* a statement of self-doubt - couched in subtler or sardonic terms, perhaps, but it's there.

And it runs far, far deeper than I think I've ever admitted to myself.  I mean, I know what I'm capable of.  I have a healthy ego (some would say too healthy) about such things.  But at the same time, there's this underlying bit that knows everything could go off the rails and the constant worry that today' the day it'll happen.

It's analogous to being gay.  Coming out isn't a one-time event - it's something we do every time we meet a new coworker or friend-of-a-friend or vendor or anyone.  We assess the situation, decide whether or not it's important or a risk (or both), weigh it all, and then act.  For some of us lucky enough to be in progressive areas, it's something we do almost instinctively at this point, much like I my ADHD compensations are largely automatic.

But it's still there, and it's still this low-level anxiety.  It's one I'm aware of - it's part of why I love vacationing at gay resorts, and it's something I talk about with people all the time as an example of (lack of) privilege.

The ADHD aspect, though, is something I was never really aware of.  I can't deny it, nor do I know that there's anything I can do to stop it.  It's a fact of who I am.  But it's something to think about, and frankly I think it affects my life far more than being gay.

It's not often someone broadsides me like that.

Doing the math

So, at this point, I could get 65% on all the remaining assignments in Calculus and still get a B.  If I get 80%, I get an A.  Since my lowest score on a test is 96% so far, I'm pretty happy.

I signed up for next semester's classes, which will be interesting.  3 this time, English (online), Psych (hybrid), and Calc1B (lecture).  I wanted to take Physics 1A instead of Psych, but my low registration status and the sheer low volume of classes (only 6, with 24 students each) meant it filled up before I even had a chance to register.  I emailed the prof, and he told me to feel free to try to crash the class by showing up to the first lab - the waitlist is apparently full, but if there's room, he'll try to fit me in.  But even if I don't get in, I'll be fine - it's math that I have to be really careful with, since I've got 5 classes to take in 6 semesters.  Physics, I only have 3.

I also emailed my doctor, asking his opinion.  I had a diagnosis years ago for ADHD, OCD, and dyslexia, but it's not on any chart I have now.  Given that I'm back at school, it's theoretically possible that some accommodation they offer may be useful/necessary at some point - I doubt it, but you never know.  But it also might be useful for scholarships or applications to 4-years.  So, I just asked if he thought it'd be worth it, since I probably don't really need any "help" (I'm not really "disordered" by it, not significantly anyway).

That's something else I need to start looking into after this semester: scholarships and programs that could help me out.  Odd to be nearly 40 and looking into this stuff.

Oh well.  Making biscuits tomorrow, then heading to C and L's place for dinner with a few other friends.  Should be fun.  At some point this weekend, I have to head up to my parents' place to hang lights - probably Saturday.

Happy turkeyday all, and enjoy the long weekend.

Tempus fugit

I'm having to pace myself on homework assignments in Calc.  I find I'm getting them done too early, and then forgetting which method I'm supposed to apply for a specific test or quiz.

... Okay, so that's not exactly a problem most people have with school.

Needless to say, class is going well.  I'm at about a 98% at the moment and (according to hints from the professor) the top grade in the class.  And a couple people at work know, including my boss.

That latter part is important, because next semester I want to take Physics 1A.  The problem is that I'm also taking Calc 1B and English, and so the only class I can take for Physics (there aren't many to begin with, and most are during the day entirely) is a hybrid with a lab on Tuesday afternoons.  I checked with my boss, though, and she said it's totally cool for me to take that time off every week.  I don't even have to use vacation or anything to cover it: per her, because I'm salaried, there's "no mechanism for even doing that."

So, that's good, and I can even have a bit less stress.  Universe knows there's going to be enough, what with pulling 14 units and a full-time job, but if I need to I can drop the English class (online) and take it over the summer.  I'm hoping I don't need to do that, though, as if I can handle the 14 units next semester well, I'm set for the remaining 2 years (which all range from 12-14 credits per semester).

Still haven't told my parents, or L, or pretty much anyone other than a handful of people.  D and C know, as well as the new guys in my building.  C's a professor himself - media studies - so we were geeking out about college stuff for a bit two Sunday's ago in the pool.

Oh, that's something else: two weekends ago, it was in the 80s and I was swimming in a pool.  The next day, it was raining and in the low 60s.  I guess California decided to actually have a fall this year.

Nothing new on the dating scene, though I'm going to try a new dating site.  I've also decided to get back into eating healthier again (I really fell off the wagon for a while; school kind of screwed up my habits).  I'm up to about 175, which is well over where I should be (160-165 is "okay").  I need to get back into exercising too, but one thing at a time.