Castles in the air

A in Calc 1A.  I only know that because the grades are officially published; haven't heard anything from the professor about how well I did on the final itself, but the A in the class is the important part.

That started me down a rabbithole regarding my prior college experience and how it's going to affect me going forward, though.  In short, 20 years ago, I got Fs in 6 classes over two semesters because I tried signing up and then basically never went. 

Now, in most situations, you can go through a process called "academic renewal" or "forgiveness" and erase up to two semesters from the past.  My current school will do that once you get enough credits with good enough grades.  But they can't/won't "erase" the grades from another school.  And the old school doesn't count other institutions in its forgiveness policy: I'd have to attend 24 units there to get them to process the renewal.  Since it's 50 miles away and, frankly, I'm not sure I can find 24 units worth of classes I can take online, that's not likely to happen.

The other option is to re-take those classes at the new school and get better grades in them.  I can do that for most of them, I think, but only one (maybe two; the second isn't exact) would count towards the classes I need to transfer.  And I'm already running smack into the maximum transferable credits limit.  So, if I take them, I'll have to do so in addition to everything else I'm taking.

That's not necessarily impossible.  I could do one or two over the summer, for example.

If I *don't* wipe them out somehow, the absolute best I could possibly do GPA-wise including the transferred classes is about a 3.2, and that's if I get straight As at the current school.  It's entirely likely that I could go just submit to 4-years point out that those two semesters were 20 years ago and thus not representative of my recent progress; I know the "fail-safe" school will accept that kind of statement, as long as it's explained.  I just don't know about some of the others.

So, I've got some deciding to do, and I'll need to talk to the counselor to find out exactly what the options are.  There's also the off-chance that the old school will change its policy at some point, or that I could petition them separately and have them consider forgiving those semesters or at least turning them into Ws anyway (especially since there's no real way to meet the requirements as stated).

But the main point is that I have several possible paths, and some realistic options in each of them.  In spite of the potential difficulties here, I'm actually comforted by looking into it.

In happier/more general news, really geeking out about the SpaceX landing last night.  I watched it happen "live" and was basically cheering right along with the staff in Torrance.  This kind of thing is exactly why I'm pursuing an aerospace degree, even if I'll be in my 40s before I get it.

For both of these topics, there's a quote from Pratchett that seems appropriate:

It takes someone with their feet planted firmly on the ground to build castles in the air.

The permanent blur

I've started the process of renewing my ADHD diagnosis.  I'm not sure what I'll do when (if?) it's renewed - I've never much liked the idea of medication, but there may be advantages for school.

But the initial intake meeting with a therapist in the psychiatry department kind of threw me a little.

Talking with the therapist, we went over all the ways I've learned to compensate: making lists, setting timers and reminders, using routines and patterns, handling tasks in the moment rather than delaying them until later (when they'll get forgotten), planning ahead (sometimes excessively), double-checking my work almost constantly, etc.

After going over all this, and as we're getting ready to leave, I made a comment like, "But, even with all this, I'm generally content and happy."

She kind of smiled at me and said, "Well, other than the constant anxiety and self doubt, right?"

I looked at her questioningly, and she stopped walking and rattled off half a dozen things I'd just said - but pointed out how almost all of them involve being unsure of myself or assuming that I'm going to make errors or screw up.  "You're compensating well, but you're still compensating.  That has to take its toll over time."  She just watched me a moment, and then said, "... and you never even realized that was there, did you?"

"No," I replied, "I didn't.  But you're right."

One of my favorite quotes comes from the play "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead":

All your life you live so close to truth, it becomes a permanent blur in the corner of your eye, and when something nudges it into outline it is like being ambushed by a grotesque.

 I know people who are wracked with self-doubt.  I know people who have massive cases of imposter syndrome.  I know folks for whom depression is a day-to-day struggle.  Whenever I think of anxiety or self-doubt, I think about these people.

But the truth is, she's right.  My reason for seeking out the new diagnosis, for making it official, is (and I told her this) because I want to have every possible tool at my disposal for succeeding in school.  It's important to me this time, far more than I realized until a few weeks ago - and to be frank, there's a part of me that is absolutely terrified at screwing up again.

I've openly told people that I'm keeping the fact of attending school under wraps because I don't know if I'll keep at it or make it through: I dropped out once, so while I think things have changed significantly, I have to accept the possibility that I'll blow it again this time for whatever reason.  That *is* a statement of self-doubt - couched in subtler or sardonic terms, perhaps, but it's there.

And it runs far, far deeper than I think I've ever admitted to myself.  I mean, I know what I'm capable of.  I have a healthy ego (some would say too healthy) about such things.  But at the same time, there's this underlying bit that knows everything could go off the rails and the constant worry that today' the day it'll happen.

It's analogous to being gay.  Coming out isn't a one-time event - it's something we do every time we meet a new coworker or friend-of-a-friend or vendor or anyone.  We assess the situation, decide whether or not it's important or a risk (or both), weigh it all, and then act.  For some of us lucky enough to be in progressive areas, it's something we do almost instinctively at this point, much like I my ADHD compensations are largely automatic.

But it's still there, and it's still this low-level anxiety.  It's one I'm aware of - it's part of why I love vacationing at gay resorts, and it's something I talk about with people all the time as an example of (lack of) privilege.

The ADHD aspect, though, is something I was never really aware of.  I can't deny it, nor do I know that there's anything I can do to stop it.  It's a fact of who I am.  But it's something to think about, and frankly I think it affects my life far more than being gay.

It's not often someone broadsides me like that.

Doing the math

So, at this point, I could get 65% on all the remaining assignments in Calculus and still get a B.  If I get 80%, I get an A.  Since my lowest score on a test is 96% so far, I'm pretty happy.

I signed up for next semester's classes, which will be interesting.  3 this time, English (online), Psych (hybrid), and Calc1B (lecture).  I wanted to take Physics 1A instead of Psych, but my low registration status and the sheer low volume of classes (only 6, with 24 students each) meant it filled up before I even had a chance to register.  I emailed the prof, and he told me to feel free to try to crash the class by showing up to the first lab - the waitlist is apparently full, but if there's room, he'll try to fit me in.  But even if I don't get in, I'll be fine - it's math that I have to be really careful with, since I've got 5 classes to take in 6 semesters.  Physics, I only have 3.

I also emailed my doctor, asking his opinion.  I had a diagnosis years ago for ADHD, OCD, and dyslexia, but it's not on any chart I have now.  Given that I'm back at school, it's theoretically possible that some accommodation they offer may be useful/necessary at some point - I doubt it, but you never know.  But it also might be useful for scholarships or applications to 4-years.  So, I just asked if he thought it'd be worth it, since I probably don't really need any "help" (I'm not really "disordered" by it, not significantly anyway).

That's something else I need to start looking into after this semester: scholarships and programs that could help me out.  Odd to be nearly 40 and looking into this stuff.

Oh well.  Making biscuits tomorrow, then heading to C and L's place for dinner with a few other friends.  Should be fun.  At some point this weekend, I have to head up to my parents' place to hang lights - probably Saturday.

Happy turkeyday all, and enjoy the long weekend.

Tempus fugit

I'm having to pace myself on homework assignments in Calc.  I find I'm getting them done too early, and then forgetting which method I'm supposed to apply for a specific test or quiz.

... Okay, so that's not exactly a problem most people have with school.

Needless to say, class is going well.  I'm at about a 98% at the moment and (according to hints from the professor) the top grade in the class.  And a couple people at work know, including my boss.

That latter part is important, because next semester I want to take Physics 1A.  The problem is that I'm also taking Calc 1B and English, and so the only class I can take for Physics (there aren't many to begin with, and most are during the day entirely) is a hybrid with a lab on Tuesday afternoons.  I checked with my boss, though, and she said it's totally cool for me to take that time off every week.  I don't even have to use vacation or anything to cover it: per her, because I'm salaried, there's "no mechanism for even doing that."

So, that's good, and I can even have a bit less stress.  Universe knows there's going to be enough, what with pulling 14 units and a full-time job, but if I need to I can drop the English class (online) and take it over the summer.  I'm hoping I don't need to do that, though, as if I can handle the 14 units next semester well, I'm set for the remaining 2 years (which all range from 12-14 credits per semester).

Still haven't told my parents, or L, or pretty much anyone other than a handful of people.  D and C know, as well as the new guys in my building.  C's a professor himself - media studies - so we were geeking out about college stuff for a bit two Sunday's ago in the pool.

Oh, that's something else: two weekends ago, it was in the 80s and I was swimming in a pool.  The next day, it was raining and in the low 60s.  I guess California decided to actually have a fall this year.

Nothing new on the dating scene, though I'm going to try a new dating site.  I've also decided to get back into eating healthier again (I really fell off the wagon for a while; school kind of screwed up my habits).  I'm up to about 175, which is well over where I should be (160-165 is "okay").  I need to get back into exercising too, but one thing at a time.

With a whimper

Had my first "wtf happened there" day in Calc last night.  We had a one-question quiz (which are open notes and open homework) that was quite literally exactly a question from the homework, and no matter how much I looked at it or looked at the solution in my homework (which was right), I just couldn't get it to click.  I may as well been trying to read Setswana.  So, probably blew those 10 points, though I might get a few points' partial credit.

Annoying, but not disastrous.  I got 98 on my first test, 100 on my second, and 11/10 on the last quiz, so all in all even losing all 10 points from this quiz I'd still be over the 94.3% I set as my threshold.  Everyone's allowed a bad day now and then.  It just means I need to be a little more careful for the rest of this chapter, but I'm not too worried.

C (of D & C) had to fly up the coast, as his mom had a heart attack on Sunday.  She's been moved back to Canada now and is apparently doing better, but it wasn't good for a bit there.  As part of that, I've been hanging out with D to distract him a bit.  C was at a conference all weekend, and then flew up on Monday, so D's been basically alone at home for a week (he works at home too).  I dragged him out for Chinese food and froyo on Wednesday and may hang out with him tonight gaming or something.

I've been dealing with fumes at the office since the renovation (which may be part of why I blew the quiz - haven't been sleeping well).  It ranges from slightly annoying to massive sinus problems and itchy/irritated eyes.  I've been generally going home around lunch and working from there the last half, but can't do that today as I've a massive, important meeting after lunch.

Starting to think about NYE and what I want to do.  I probably need to book plans shortly.

Curves to infinity

So, finally got my test back.  98 out of 100, with two points off for transcription errors (so I had entirely the correct logic but mistranscribed something from one line to the next).

Possibly, based on statements by the prof, the highest score in the class.  And already it seems I have a reputation.

We had a quiz last night (which was easy), and after we finish the quiz, we're allowed out on break.  So, a bunch of us were hanging around outside the classroom.  I was talking with another guy who I've chatted with a few times; he got a 95, and I told him I got a 98, so we were joking about retaking tests and such*.  A few minutes later, standing by myself, someone else I haven't talked to at all came up and said, "So, you're the curve breaker for the class I guess, eh?", smiling while he said it.

I demurred (and we're not graded on a curve, so it's not really accurate), but I was kind of taken aback.  I'd only told the other guy my score, we were talking quietly, and he'd gone off to the concierge without talking to anyone else.  How did this guy (and apparently others, because I got a few comments after that) know I'd done so well?

Flashbacks to high school, certainly.  I'm one test into my college career (if I have one) and already facing down expectations.

Anyway, the 98 puts me above the track I'd set for myself, so I'm very pleased.  Next test is in two weeks, with another quiz Tuesday and no class Thursday.  I'm very comfortable at this point: starting off better than expected means having more leeway and thus even less pressure.  I still need to kick butt, and I think I will, but it's a good place to be in.

The new guys in the building are back, and I helped them move a 400-lb cabinet up to their apartment (and saved them $200 or so in movers fees doing it).  Was only a little stiff the next day, so yay for that.

Not sure I want to see the Stonewall movie this weekend.  Have to think about it more.

* If you have missed one class or less, the Prof will let you re-take a test in the last week (post-final) of class.  When I said, I got a 98, he said, "Ha, I only got a 95."  I commented that it was still an A, and still pretty damned good, and he said something about it not being a 98.  So I joked with him and said, "Well, maybe this'll be your lowest test score and you can retake it at the end of class."  To which he laughed and replied that if a 95 was his lowest score, he wasn't retaking shit.

Functions over time

I totally forgot how much I love math.  I mean, I didn't actually forget, but it's not something that comes up much.  Distance tends to dull impressions.

And by "math" I don't really mean algebra and trig and such.  To me, "math" means calculus.  It means differentials and integration and the relationships between functions...  The math of science.  The math that explains all the other math.

The first chapter for Calc-1 is always the basic stuff, limits and tangent lines and some proofs.  My first time through, it was definitely my least favorite part of the class, but it's still at least a little interesting.  This time, I didn't have a problem with it because I knew what was coming next.  Well, I say "didn't", but the test isn't until Thursday.  That's when we're officially done with this chapter.

But, due to time constraints during the week, I tend to do the homework assignments early on the weekend.  I finished all the remaining homework for this chapter on Saturday.  Then, on Sunday, I did the first assignment for the next chapter.

And fell in love again.

I mean, it's just basic differentiation.  For those who don't know, that's essentially calculating the relative differences between values in a function (hence the name), usually shortened to the slope for early stuff but eventually getting more complex.

But even just doing differentiation, we can start to describe the why behind all that crap we had to learn in geometry and trig and algebra 2, like how the relationship between the area of a circle and its circumference is the same as the relationship between the volume of a sphere and its surface area.

I'm having fun again.  I know I'll be (largely needlessly) nervous about the test on Thursday, just because it's the first test and it's on a topic I'm less enthused about.  But I know what's coming next, and I'm really looking forward to it.

This is why I enrolled in the first place, and it's what I completely missed my first attempt at college (I didn't take any science courses).  Even if the degree path doesn't work out, this is what I wanted to do.

Sums and Differences

So, I've had two calculus classes, and I'm running into a wall I haven't had to deal with for years.


We had a quiz on Thursday covering the prior day's section.  It was just two problems, and both had been on the homework we'd done.  The prof gave us 30 minutes to do it, with a 10 minute break after; anyone who finished early could go on break early and hang around outside.


I was done in about 10 minutes (takes a bit to write it all out), along with 3-4 other people.  The rest of the class (36 total) took longer, with about half the class taking 25+ minutes.


Outside, talking with some of the other students, it became really obvious that the answers I got and the logic I used to get them was completely different than what most of them did.  While it's entirely possible I bombed the quiz, looking up the problems when I got home seems to indicate I got them right.


And thus we run smack dab into a situation I dealt with all the time in high school and really haven't faced since then: either the work is easy and everyone else is abnormally slow, or the work is hard and I'm just abnormally fast.


I know, I know, that's a problem everyone would like to have.  Except, it's not.  Remember, I have trouble with thinking of other people as "people" anyway; I have to constantly reinforce the notion that they are actual people just like me.


But in high school, there were all these constant reminders that I wasn't like everyone else.  Sure, in possibly good ways, but different is still different, and when you spend a lot of effort trying to remember how similar people are, constant reminders that you're different are a bad thing.


At work, my job requirements are so unique and so different from those of my coworkers that there's no real way to compare my skills to theirs.  I just operate under the (largely valid) assumption that they're just as smart as I am (or vice versa) but in different fields.


And that's entirely possible for the people in my class, except that most of them are *also* going for engineering, which means this is exactly the kind of thing they should be good at.  There's very little wiggle room for comparisons when you all take the same test and get a score at the end.


I'm... not sure how I'm going to work through this.  I don't want to become the guy I was in high school.  Luckily I do have some absolutely brilliant friends, so maybe I just need to hang out with them more to keep me in my mental place.


Anyway, beyond that little complication, homework is going to be something of an issue.  The average assignments are about 3.5-4h a section, and most Tuesdays we'll be covering two sections.  Which means having 7-8 hours of homework that has to get done between 9:30 pm Tuesday and 7 pm Thursday, in addition to 16 hours of work and 16-20 hours of sleep.  Essentially, if anything else is going on for Wednesday, I'm SOL.


So, I'm taking this weekend to try and get ahead a bit on the homework.  I've already finished what is due Tuesday, and I'm working on what will be due Thursday (about half-way done).  Tomorrow, I'll try to do what will be due *next* Tuesday, and then hopefully be able to keep ahead of the assignments so I don't run into problems.  That means doing probably double the work per section for the moment, since I don't have the list of problems to do and thus am doing all of them, but it should keep a margin for me.


Besides, other than the callouses from holding a pencil so long (we have to do the homework in pencil and paper), I'm actually enjoying the work.  And we're not even at the fun stuff yet (integration and derivatives).


It does mean I may have to reconsider how many classes I want to take next semester.  Three may be pushing it.

Planetary alignments

A medical test I was really dreading got cancelled on Thursday because it was deemed unnecessary.


I had a date on Friday that went well, and I think we'll be going out again.


Spent most of the day yesterday hanging out with friends at Hurricane Harbor.


Today, I met two guys (a couple) from out of state who just moved into the apartment complex and are gamers.


I start classes in a little over a week, and I'm getting excited.


It's been a pretty good few days.  Here's hoping it continues.

Outlook Good

I took my placements yesterday.

I was actually rather nervous, in that general OCD-kicked-into-high-gear way.  I knew I'd do perfectly fine on the English and basic algebra sections, but the whole point of my going back to school was to (re)take calculus and get into the more advanced sciences.  While I was reasonably sure I'd do fine on the College Algebra test, the test is rather short: a couple of asinine mistakes could have bumped me below Calculus, and that would have put a major damper on my enthusiasm.

Turns out, I didn't have much to stress over (as usual).  Aced the English sections, aced the math sections.  I've registered for the Calc-A class I wanted on the days I wanted (a slot opened up the day I took the placements, so it was serendipitous).  I'm doing a group-counseling session today, just because we're supposed to, but there won't be any problems.  I even ordered my parking permit for the semester.

Of course, I'm also looking into taking another class.  Most are full at this point, of course, as the semester starts in a couple of weeks.  However, there's one class with a lot of room that will both count towards my transfer as well as I think be right up my alley: Astronomy.  It's not the basic "this is a planet" astronomy; this one requires trig and goes over orbital mechanics and other technical details.

The only reason I haven't signed up for it yet is that it would mean classes four days a week (Monday through Thursday, all 7 pm to 9:30ish).  I'm not sure if I want to make that kind of commitment yet.  But it would bump me up to 7 total credits for the semester, which puts me in the officially-part-time group, and I think actually might be something I'd really like.  It'd mean I'd have to give up the hikes on Monday, but it could also be really fun.

I'll keep thinking about it - the class is nowhere near full, and I've got a couple weeks left.  Something else that would be interesting might open up as well (I qualify for Chem 1A, but there aren't any classes even with waiting lists that would work for me).  If the counseling session today provides some other incentive for taking another class, that'll probably push me over the edge.  But once I finish Calc A, other options open up as well.

I'm actually excited.  Who knew?