Filling the Void

I've been thinking about something for a while.

I recently got (back; I played it a bit in beta) into Kerbal Space Program.  I'm having fun with it - or, to be more accurately, I'm loving obsessing over it - but there's one thing that's annoying me.

See, in the game (if you don't know), you're building rockets and landers and satellites and such in a mostly-real-world physics setting.  You have you launch them, get them into stable orbit, manage trans-body insertion trajectories, etc.  The game helps you with some of this, of course, so amateurs can play and have fun.  There's a sandbox mode that lets you just go crazy.

But I'm doing "career mode", which means you start off with only basic parts and have to explore and bring back science reports and such to get better tech and more money.  One thing that is bothering me is how to efficiently design and build rockets.  I mean, you start off just slapping things together and seeing if it works - that's half the fun - and after a while you sort of get a rough feeling for how much fuel you need or how to set up your staging.

But since it's based on real-world physics (slightly simplified, but not as much as you'd think), there are ways to actually *know* what you need to do for all of these.  It's not easy - it's literally rocket science - but it's possible.

And I'm annoyed that I don't have the knowledge to do so.

Okay, yes, I know basic physics, and I know some of the equations, but frankly I haven't really done calculus in over 20 years, and I never got very far into this kind of physics.  Which is really weird, since space travel is one of my favorite things.  So, now that I've realized how much I don't know about the fundamentals, I'm rather piqued at myself and insisting I figure them out.

And this goes back to what I've been thinking about for a while.  I literally live down the street from one of the best junior colleges in SoCal (well, and the best technical school in the world, but that's separate).  When I go on my walks, it's one of the things I pass.  And for a while, I've been considering signing up to take a class or two.

That has complications.  I know me.  I did horribly at college last time I tried: lectures are so not my thing; as much as I tell people I dropped out because I was making $100 an hour (which is true), I aso dropped out because it just wasn't working.  I also need downtime, by myself, to recharge, and I'm not sure if I'm really prepared to commit to 2 or 4 or however many hours a week after work to take the classes I'd want.

But I also know that independent study only goes so far for some things, and that structured educational environments and feedback from other participants matter.

I don't know that I'd even think about aiming for a degree - that's an entirely separate discussion.  But taking a Calculus refresher, or some more advanced math, or getting into physics or even an elective or two, seems like something I might - might - enjoy.

I'm going to get a couple old text books and try to refresh my memory on some things.  We'll see how it goes.  But I'm thinking I might sign up for one class - just one - next semester.  We'll see how that works out.

Sin City (and adjacents)

Vegas, baby.  Multi-day drinking binges, gambling thousands of dollars at the blackjack table, snorting coke off of naked dancers.  It's party city.


Or, at least, it probably was for some of the people there.  Me, I was getting up before 7 to go stand (well, sit, mostly) in a booth in a largely-empty convention hall for 10 hours a day.  There'd be a few people coming in during breaks and lunch sessions, but I spent most of my time playing Civ:BE and chatting with the two women who I was theoretically "training" on how we do this sort of thing.


I gambled $3 - one $1 a day on a slot machine outside the elevators.  Didn't win anything.  One of the women dropped $300 or so on roulette, I think, but that was about it.  No shows, nothing exciting.  Heck, I didn't even look up what gay nightlife there was, since I was basically stuck with the coworkers.  The only cute guy I saw at all was on the plane over (30s finance guy, we chatted about 401ks and how guilty he should - or shouldn't - feel about screwing around in Vegas while his girlfriend was back home).


I do have to say, the hotels are huge.  It doesn't help that they kind of run into each other continuously, so that there's limited division between one and the other.  And even then, half of them are owned by the same company or two, so it's more branding than any real difference.


I think, if I were to go back for any reason, I'd drive next time.  I swore I looked it up and saw it was seven hours, but that may have been at peak traffic in LA; it should only be about four most of the time, and I wasted that gets to the airport and waiting for the flight.


I was dead tired when I got back, though, and only just yesterday (Saturday) really managed to catch up.  I got a massage on Tuesday to try and relax a bit, but it didn't help that much.  So I then asked C and D is they wanted to go back to the spa on Friday night; they asked if we could do it Saturday night, so we did that instead.  I had to have L drive himself to the bar, which he wasn't too upset about, but it made it much easier.


... I guess is this where I say that C and D and I finally fooled around a bit. Not at the spa; they apparently saw some people getting it on in one of the steam rooms, and then someone else out on the patio, but that was all.  I was there to actually relax and use it how it's meant (timing myself in the steam or heat rooms, cold shower afterwards, repeat, etc.).  Afterwards, they invited me back to their place to "help" D give C a massage, and I said sure.


The massage went well - I'm actually really good at it; I ought to be, I've had enough of them - and then we of course slipped into fooling around.  D kind of passed out tired, but I got C off before he and I hit the sack.  Then more blow jobs and jacking off in the morning for all three of us.  Fun stuff.  No awkwardness in the morning, no real problems during the night.  We'll have to see if/when it happens again, though I'm pretty certain it will at some point.  It's nice having friends you can just screw around with and not have to worry about consequences.


I got home about 9 am, showered (and took my pill, since I didn't have any with me), and then slept until noon.  When I woke up, I was (and still partly am) completely sore all up and down my body.  I think it's a good thing, as I think it's from the heat/cold treatments in the spa (I had a little of this last time), but only massive hunger got me out of bed.  And I'm sitting here right now trying not to fall asleep while my Indian food delivery comes for dinner.  Definitely going to be an early night.


I'm also on call for jury duty this week; I checked earlier, and don't have to go in tomorrow, but of course I'll have to check up ever night after 5 pm to see.  I doubt they'd ever put me on a jury - I'm like every litigator's worst nightmare, what with being both pretty well-versed in legal process and law itself and a pretty vocal proponent of jury nullification.  But if I have to go down to the courthouse, I'll just catch the light rail straight there.


The guys have plans for Easter weekend, so I'll have to figure out what I want to do.  Might just staycation it, maybe do a few day trips places.  Should be a decent time of year for such.


Anyway, food should be arriving shortly.

RIP: Terry Pratchett

In many of Terry Pratchett's novels, the character Death appears.  He is a bony skeleton in a black robe with a scythe and speaking in all caps, but he's also curious and interested and actually cares about people.  In many ways, I see him as Terry Pratchett writing himself into his novels: Pratchett the atheist, Pratchett the curious, Pratchett the caring, and Pratchett who never quite "got it" as far as people were concerned.  All the characteristics that made him a great author and an even better person.  The following are two of my favorite scenes of his that really show who Death is.

From Hogfather:

“All right," said Susan. "I'm not stupid. You're saying humans need... fantasies to make life bearable."

REALLY? AS IF IT WAS SOME KIND OF PINK PILL? NO. HUMANS NEED FANTASY TO BE HUMAN. TO BE THE PLACE WHERE THE FALLING ANGEL MEETS THE RISING APE.

"Tooth fairies? Hogfathers? Little—"

YES. AS PRACTICE. YOU HAVE TO START OUT LEARNING TO BELIEVE THE LITTLE LIES.

"So we can believe the big ones?"

YES. JUSTICE. MERCY. DUTY. THAT SORT OF THING.

"They're not the same at all!"

YOU THINK SO? THEN TAKE THE UNIVERSE AND GRIND IT DOWN TO THE FINEST POWDER AND SIEVE IT THROUGH THE FINEST SIEVE AND THEN SHOW ME ONE ATOM OF JUSTICE, ONE MOLECULE OF MERCY. AND YET—Death waved a hand. AND YET YOU ACT AS IF THERE IS SOME IDEAL ORDER IN THE WORLD, AS IF THERE IS SOME...SOME RIGHTNESS IN THE UNIVERSE BY WHICH IT MAY BE JUDGED.

"Yes, but people have got to believe that, or what's the point—"

MY POINT EXACTLY.

And a longer section, perhaps the ultimate example.  From "Reaper Man":

The journey took an instant that would have taken mere light three hundred million years, but Death travels inside that space where Time has no meaning. Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it.

There was company on the ride - galaxies, stars, ribbons of shining matter, streaming and eventually spiraling towards the distant goal.

Death on his pale horse moved down the darkness like a bubble on a river.

And every river flows somewhere.

And then, below, a plain. Distance was as meaningless here as time. but there was a sense of hugeness. The plain could have been a mile away, or a million miles; it was marked by long valleys or rills which flowed away to either side as he got closer.

And landed.

He dismounted, and stood in the silence. Then he went down on one knee.

Change the perspective. The furrowed landscape falls away into immense distances, curves at the edges, becomes a fingertip.

Azrael raised his finger to a face that filled the sky, lit by the faint glow of dying galaxies.

There are a billion Deaths, but they are all aspects of the one Death: Azrael, the Great Attractor, the Death of Universes, the beginning and end of time.

Most of the universe is made up of dark matter, and only Azrael knows who it is.

Eyes so big that a supernova would be a mere suggestion of a gleam on the iris turned slowly and focused on the tiny figure on the immense whorled plains of his fingertips. Beside Azrael the big Clock hung in the centre of the entire web of the dimensions, and ticked onward. Stars glittered in Azrael's eyes.

The Death of the Discworld stood up.

LORD, I ASK FOR -

Three of the servants of oblivion slid into existence alongside him.

One said, Do not listen. He stands accused of meddling.

One said, And morticide.

One said, And pride. And living with intent to survive.

One said, And fighting with chaos against good order.

Azrael raised an eyebrow.

The servants drifted away from Death, expectantly.

LORD, WE KNOW THERE IS NO GOOD ORDER EXCEPT THAT WHICH WE CREATE...

Azrael's expression did not change.

THERE IS NO HOPE BUT US. THERE IS NO MERCY BUT US. THERE IS NO JUSTICE. THERE IS JUST US.

The dark, sad face filled the sky.

ALL THINGS THAT ARE, ARE OURS. BUT WE MUST CARE. FOR IF WE DO NOT CARE, WE DO NOT EXIST. IF WE DO NOT EXIST, THEN THERE IS NOTHING BUT BLIND OBLIVION. AND EVEN OBLIVION MUST END SOME DAY. LORD, WILL YOU GRANT ME JUST A LITTLE TIME? FOR THE PROPER BALANCE OF THINGS. TO RETURN WHAT WAS GIVEN. FOR THE SAKE OF PRISONERS AND THE FLIGHT OF BIRDS.

Death took a step backwards.

It was impossible to read expression in Azrael's features.

Death glanced sideways at the servants.

LORD, WHAT CAN THE HARVEST HOPE FOR, IF NOT FOR THE CARE OF THE REAPER MAN?

Interlude

Ever have one of those days when you wake up and every part of you feels off?

Yeah, that's my day today.  Headache, slight nausea (had some breakfast, seems to be going away), sore muscles, tired (damned DST change)... about the only thing I don't have is sinus problems; if I did, this would be a classic sick day.  As it is, I'm just hoping it wears off enough that I can focus for work.

Part of the malaise is because I hiked on Saturday: 7 miles to the top of Mt. Allen/Sandstone Peak, which is the highest point in the Santa Monica Mountains.  It was fun, and I'm glad I went, but it was hot enough that the effort pretty much killed me for the rest of the day.  Or, rather, it should have; I went out with L anyway, including a point where he said, "I'm just going to use the restroom and then we can go," and then proceeded to walk over and chat with someone for twenty minutes.  I swear I was about to get up and tell him to take a cab because I was going home just as he came back and apologized.

And then on Sunday I had to head up to my parents' place to mow their lawn (their on vacation), then hung out with C and D by the pool for a chunk of the afternoon.  And then tried the new Civilization: Beyond Earth for a while and was up far later than I should have been without the time change.

So, all in all, I can't blame anyone else for how I feel this morning, but that doesn't make it any better.

Heading to Vegas for a conference this weekend.  It'll be my first time in Vegas in over 20 years, though I'm not going to have a whole lot of time for sight-seeing.  I'm basically spending the trip baby-sitting others at the conference booth, teaching them how to sell the product.  We'll see how it goes, but I'm anxious for them to take over as much of the responsibility as possible.

Starting to plan a mini-vacation for Easter weekend.  Might rent a cabin up in Big Bear with C and D - one with a hot tub.

Anyway, back to work - query's done.

Pre-weekend

No romantic plans for valentines day.  Probably going to dinner with L, probably (hopefully) breaking it to him that I want some of my Saturday nights back (basically, that I want to have the option of doing other stuff and that some of that will be last-minute-ish).  Might be hitting the spa with D and C, though that might be Sunday.  If it's Saturday, I'll have to figure out how to handle L, since I'm not going to want to drive back up to the Valley just to come back.  Maybe I can dump him in a cab or something.  If they decide before tomorrow morning, I can of course, make L drive down and meet me or something similar.  I've told him before that I'm not his chauffeur.

I *am* getting a massage tonight, at a place near my house.  It's just a massage place, though it's called a "spa" (not one of those little store-front things; this is an actual large facility), but it's not terribly expensive. So, we'll see how it goes.  1.5h, male therapist, focusing on swedish and sports massage.  Looking forward to it: I normally only do massages on my vacations, but I haven't had one in ages.

Booked some time off for Easter weekend; theoretically, it's to go to the Grand Canyon with the hiking group, but the more I read about where they're camping, the less enthusiastic I am: it reads like putting a tent up in a mall parking lot.  Not only flush toilets and potable water, but showers, laundry(!), and major grocery stores within a half-mile(!!).  I'm just not feeling it.  So, I may head out somewhere else for fun.

Introspective

I'm still riding something of an emotional high from this weekend, and I've been trying to figure out why.  I mean, not that it's bad or anything.  But why did it mean so much?

I kind of stopped dating when I was 26ish.  For one, the places I used to hang out closed down, and I had a few less-than-wonderful experiences with dates over a year or so.  I also got sucked into really stressful stuff at work at about the same time.  I don't think it was deliberate or conscious, but it just stopped happening.

I starting sortof-trying a few years ago, but even that has been exclusively digital and only half-assed.  There were all sorts of thoughts holding me back, some legit and some less so, and many of those are still around today.

But, really, the main thing is this: I've said it before that I don't really empathize with people.  It's not that I don't care, I just don't have visceral emotional reactions to people's emotional state.  It's all an intellectual exercise to me.

In a work environment, that's not necessarily bad: reacting emotionally in a professional setting is usually a bad thing.  That doesn't really fly outside the office, though.  And since I was 26, most of my human interaction has been at work, which means I've kind of slipped into my at-work personality all the time.  Even when I hang out with L, the lack-of-emotion is a good thing (or things would be even more strained than they are).  Those few events where I've tried to slip into "social me" have all been taxing social situations to begin with: generally involving L or his friends or people at work.  So, they're draining and exhausting no matter how I behave, but even worse when I'm giving any extra effort.

I've been doing it so long now that I just got into the "this is how I am" frame.

But it isn't necessarily.  I can - and do, or at least did - be friendly and personable and "faking it" enough to get along really well with people.  I have the natural advantage of not giving a shit what people thing about me, so I used to just walk up to folks and start conversations.  I had dozens of *actual* friends, people I hung out with and new and got along with really well who didn't make me feel drained or exhausted at the end.

I think, this weekend, I had that experience again.  I mean, I won't deny I was exhausted, but that was from lack of sleep and energy expenditure.  It was the activities that exhausted me, not the people.  I actually had fun being social and friendly and personable.  And I haven't done that in a decade.

It's like finding a gift card in your wallet that you forgot about.  Or, maybe better, a free membership to a place you used to go but haven't been to in ages.

The question is, what do I do about it now?  I think, first, I need to stat hanging out with L less.  That's this weekend's conversation, if I get the guts to bring it up.  He's going to take it as abandonment, and maybe it is in a sense, but it's something I need to do for me.  Saturday is when most stuff happens, so I need the option of being available.  Not every weekend, but certainly some of them.

Then we'll see after that.

Started working on the photos a bit last night.  Tonight I need to maybe do some laundry, though I also need to find out if I can use my shower again (maintenance guy said the drain was leaking into the apartments below, so asked me to hold off until I hear from him).

I survived Death Valley

... and I didn't even get a lousy t-shirt.

Actually, it was fun.  Well, mostly fun in the "new experience" sense, partly fun in the "actually entertaining" sense.  Worth going, certainly.

I'll probably do a full adventure-post or two later once my pictures are all done.  It won't be for a few days, as I slept 13 hours last night and will probably sleep another 10-12 tonight, plus I have to go to my parents' tomorrow to talk about taxes, so I won't even start working on them until late tomorrow or Wednesday.

Those posts, however, won't contain certain details.  So, to start with, D and C have an open marriage; D is far more playful/outgoing that C is, and C's a bit not-quite-stuffy in most situations, but C has no problem with D going out and messing around.  There are a couple of limitations there, but the main one - which is extremely amusing to me - is that D has to send back photos or texts while doing it so that C can "participate" :)

Well, Thursday night, I crashed out early but D had something of a party in his tent with some of the other like-aged guys; stripping when you lost was par for the course, and the expected shenanigans ended up happening (I didn't find this out until Friday morning).  Apparently, D even tried to get me involved at one point when he heard me coming back from the restroom, but I didn't hear him (I was pretty zonked).

Because of all the hiking Friday, everyone headed to bed early that night; D only had one guy in his tent, someone who forgot to bring their own for some reason.  I was told on Saturday that, for specific reasons, C wasn't happy about the exact individual staying twice, so D told me "You'd better have stay with you tonight; don't worry, he's a great cuddler."

To effect that, we planned on having the Saturday night party in my tent - especially since it was larger.  As part of that plan, D moved his air mattress over.  We ended up with six guys in there total, and most of naked after a long round of strip-go-fish (don't ask) and all naked after a few rounds of truth or dare.  As it was already after 1 by then and had been another long day, people started to get sleepy/touchy-feely at that point, and I "did my duty" and slept with .  Literally, mostly, though early in the morning he started trying to jack me off.  I didn't object, but for some reason morning wood and masturbation just don't go well for me (it takes me forever to get off), and the way we were laying, I couldn't really do him while he did me (though I did as much as I could).  When my alarm went off to take my pill, we just got up and started the day.  D had stayed as well, though the other three had gone back to their tents earlier.

(Shortly before getting up, I heard one of the trip leaders walk past and comment, "Well, it looks like someone had a party last night..."  when I got outside, I saw why: the other guys had gone through 4 or 5 bottles of booze during the games, and the bottles were strewn all over the floor of the vestibule for the tent :P )

On the drive back, D and I talked a fair bit about those fooling-around sessions (as well as a lot of other things), and I got some more details about his history and his relationship with C.  I think I also may have satisfied him that I'm in the same position about such things as he is (I'm perfectly fine with fooling around with people but only when everyone involved knows there's nothing more serious happening), because he kind of relaxed and became a bit more open after that.  We'll see if this changes our interactions at all.

But in general, I'm very glad I went.  And at my appointment with the nurse today to follow up on the Truvada stuff, he reviewed the form I filled out and said, "... so, you've fooled around a bit since last time?" with a smile.  I said, "yeah, nothing major and no actual ejaculation, but it's a start."

That's probably the best summation, on a lot of different angles.  It's a start.

Time to get ready for tonight's hike - yes, I'm a glutton for punishment.  D won't be there - he begged off as having too many chores to catch up on, but insisted he wanted to go next week (C's working late and they only have one car, so I'd have to pick him up).

Eastward bound

Packing up to go camping.  This time, it's with the outdoors group I joined.  The guys who camp are apparently much different from the guys on the weekly hike - younger age on average, for one - so this'll be a mostly new group.  I say "mostly" because D is going with me, literally in that I'm driving both of us out there.

The trip runs Thursday to Sunday, and Saturday night is a potluck.  This presented a bit of a logistics issue, since that means being able to prepare something for Saturday night without ready access to a kitchen or high-grade refrigeration (I'll have my camp stove and cooler, but, like, I wouldn't want to chance seafood for instance).

But I hit on an idea that I think will be awesome: cold noodles with peanut sauce.  I've already made the sauce up, and it's pretty awesome.  The noodles are the only part I'm hemming and hawing about: it's be easier to make them ahead of time and just keep them in the cooler until Saturday, but I don't know how they'll react to storage (most pastas are fine for a few days).  So, I made one small batch last night, added a little oil, and stuck them in the fridge.  We'll see how they are tonight when I get home.  If they're not sticking or anything, then I can make the rest up and not have to worry about taking a big pot to boil things in.  If not, I'll take the pot and cook them up Saturday afternoon.

One thing I'm a little concerned about is space in the car: one of the requirements this time is to bring a coupe bundles of firewood.  When my other friend and I went camping last time, we pretty much packed my little hatchback solid, but that was 1) with bigger bags and 2) all of his photography stuff (which ended up being a not-insignificant amount).  I'm already planning on taking a smaller bag myself, and I very much over-planned last time so there'll be at least a little more room.  But I'll have to finagle the firewood thing somehow.

... Getting about $1800 back in taxes, which will be nice.  The fed one was submitted electronically (the state requires a filing fee, so, screw that; it can get mailed), and that usually gets me the refund in a coupe of weeks.

Monday is my first follow-up on the PrEP thing.  So far, so good: my GFR is down very slightly, but that might just be normal variation kind of thing.  I've actually put on a little weight since I started taking it, though some of that is muscle.

Oh, I suppose it's worth mentioning that my dad's mother died on Sunday.  She was 95.  I hadn't seen her in like 25 years, and haven't spoken to my dad in about 19; I also respond to deaths the way others generally do.  So, I'm pretty much fine.  Ironically, my strongest response was frustration/annoyance at possibly having to deal with my father, though so far that hasn't arisen (my step-sister messaged me on Facebook about her death).  I'm definitely not going to the funeral, as that would cause more problems than it's worth (and funerals are for the living, not the dead).

In happier news, L is now has a room in a townhouse on a (theoretically) long-term basis.  He's not paying rent himself this month, so he should be building up enough in savings to cover his own butt for the near future.  Either way, there's no more risk of him having to move in with me, and I'm not bailing him out in the future.

I'm also going to Vegas for a conference in March; since I haven't been there as an adult, this may be interesting.

7 down, hundreds to go.

One week in, and the first round of side-effects is pretty much gone.  I still get a little queasy right after meals, but that fades quickly.

Some of the last-minute supplies for the camping trip are coming in.  My shower should arrive today or tomorrow - it's a pump kind, not an overhead hanging one, since I'm not all that sure there's going to be anything to hang it from at the campground.  I'll have to test it out before we go.

I still need to decide if I should get a smaller tent or just take my big one.  It's not supposed to be that cold, though it can be at times, so the extra space isn't as bad as it would be if it were close to freezing.

L's staying at a friend's place and moving into his new room on Saturday.  He says it's already paid for through February and that he's signing the lease tomorrow, so on Sunday I may finally be able to stand down from my internal DEFCON2 status.

He said something else on Saturday night that.. well, I can't say it surprised me, other than he admitted it, but it's making me think.  He got angry that someone dared to have a coat resting on an unused chair at our table (we were on one side of the table with three extra chairs on the other side), and in the ensuing kerfluffle, he said something like, "You and I obviously have different notions of propriety."  I was annoyed and didn't stop myself from responding, "I wouldn't call it propriety.  I'd say you have a stronger sense of entitlement than I do."

L replied, "Yes, I do.  I feel I'm entitled to being treated in a certain way, and if other people don't respect that, it's my job to put them in their place."

That's really problematic to me.  I mean, I've always known that about him: that, in essence, he's fallen from a definite level of privilege but still thinks the world owes him something just because of who he is.  But I was never sure if he realized it, consciously.  I guess he does.

Thinking about it on my walk yesterday, I've never known him to do anything charitable.  He flat-out stated that he just ignores "those people" if he encounters them on the street, but even with friends, I don't think he's ever done anything that didn't in some way benefit himself.  So I have to decide - scratch that, I have decided that I'm not going to waste extra effort on someone who is so ruthlessly self-centered.

I mean, I have a thing where over the years I've basically "adopted" people who I think have something useful or worthwhile to give back to the world if only their financial or other situations were stabilized.  My goal is never to change someone but to help bring out the best in them, to in a sense take away all the things that might be holding them back and say, "Okay, here: you've got the means and opportunity now; what do you want to do?" and hope they pick something that helps others.  In general, it's paid off, and I can count a handful of success stories; there's only been one failure and one "still waiting to see", though at least this last one is independent and far more happy than he used to be.  I don't know that I've said it here, but one of my philosophies has always been that you can't save the world but you can help teach the world to save itself: those are more than just words to me, and I've spent a lot of resources in trying to do it.

When I first met L, and even until today, he talked a lot about improving the world in certain ways and trying to solve various problems.  Thinking back on them, though, all his solutions or methodologies always involved him becoming rich, successful, and/or powerful in the process.  In a sense, the way he wanted to save the world was by ruling it - not for the world's benefit, but for his.

Well, if nothing else, he's to a point where he should be more stable.  I don't know if it'll mean he's more productive or happy - I hope so - but I doubt it'll mean he'll turn around and try to help others.  So, I guess that makes two in the "we'll see" column; who knows, he may surprise me.

Got a couple of hits on Tindr; we'll see if they lead anywhere.  I've also gotten back into working out more (I never really stopped, but it did fall to a pretty low maintenance level), so we'll see how things go.  I also think I'm going to sign up for a massage at a place down the street this week; it's a formal spa but only $50 for an hour.

Out with the old, in with the new.

You spin me

... just a short post, but dayumn this pill is making me feel weird.

Like, okay, I expected the nausea.  That's not horrible, though it feels more like indigestion to me than queasiness.  What I didn't expect - and am not sure how to interpret - is the weird blood-pressure-type dizziness and weirdness.  I keep getting that blurry-around-the-edges tunnel-vision thing you get when you stand up to quickly.  That's the worst piece of it, because it's actually making it hard to concentrate/focus.

Two days in a row now, it's kicked in about 1.5-2 hours after taking the pill.  I've eaten something for breakfast both days, just to try and minimize the nausea, so it's not like this is on an empty stomach.  Yesterday, it lasted until about 5-6 (so, roughly 11-12 hours).

Let's hope I don't get a bout of BPPV while this is going on; I'm not sure I'd be able to sit up.

(Got my car battery replaced yesterday and my oil changed.  Yay for adulting!)