Marginalia

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Shadows of shadows passing...

It's raining here, pretty heavily in general though it had lightened up at lunch.  For most of the world, a rain shower isn't a big deal; to most Los Angeles natives, it is, if anything, something to be glad about.  However, most of the city is populated by transplants who came here fleeing snow and ice and rain and all manner of precipitation; to them, clouds in paradise are the end of the world.

Realistically, there's a legitimate danger from flash floods and such in various places - contrary to popular belief, LA is not a desert but a basin surrounded by hills and mountains; I have streams and a literal waterfall within walking distance of my apartment in non-drought seasons.  The canyons, though, are mostly rock and stone and, thus, become very quick to develop falls and slides with even a slight bit of moisture.

Sitting here, at work, I've actually gotten more than a handful of local-area flash flood warnings on my cell.

It's actually a random coincidence that I've lately been thinking about my next vacation and to where I'd like to go.  At the moment, I have enough frequent flyer miles to go pretty much anywhere in at least business class, round-trip; the question, though, is how much I want to spend on the rest of the adventure.  Like, I do want to go to Kauai at some point, and I've even picked out the hotel where I'd like to stay; it's just that it's $300 a night.  I also still want to go to Europe (mainly Ireland and London to start), the Caribbean, Key West (yes, it's basically the Caribbean, but still), Cairns, and French Polynesia as well.

Decisions, decisions.

I might just stay in-state (it's been ages since I've been to Yosemite or the sequoias, and I didn't get to Guerneville this last winter so I'm kind of missing trees) for my birthday and save up miles and money for something larger or grander later.  I have a couple of months before I really have to make a decision, however.

Hope everyone's doing mostly well.

Ding dong the ridge is dead

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For those who don't know (which is probably most of the world), the massive dry spell California has been suffering since December was being caused by a high-pressure ridge off the coast of Alaska.  It was diverting the Jetstream north a bit, which then hooked down almost across the rockies and created the "polar vortex" effect that the Midwest and Eastern US has been enduring (and which seems to be also causing massive flooding in the UK).

This high-pressure ridge was there for so long without moving or dissipating that it became half-jokingly known as "the ridiculously resilient ridge".

Now, blue skies and 80-degree temps in January are nice to a point, but you have to realize that Central California is one of the major food production areas in the country (and in some areas in the world): less than 1% of the nation's land by area creates over 8% of the produce in the country.

This ridge, by forcing the Jetstream to skip California, has been endangering the US food supply in a massive way.

Until last weekend, when it finally broke apart.  SoCal has only gotten a few showers, but there is now flooding in parts of the state north of San Francisco, and hopefully the snow pack on the mountains will begin to build up.

The ironic part is that the driest January in California history is likely about to head into an El Nino wet season.  Bring on the rain!

I'm heading to Tampa for a conference next week.  I'm not necessarily looking forward to it - I'm spending the entire time hanging out in a hall at a booth, mostly by myself - but it'll be something different at least.

During the dry spell, I noticed a few hummingbirds coming up and poking at the little white flowers on my basil plants.  This seemed kind of desperate to me, so I bought a shepherd's hook and a hummingbird feeder and kind of nestled it in the middle of the basil.  Since then, I've had at least three hummingbirds come by regularly - including one who likes to "stand guard" and chase others away except for the one female that I think is his mate.

They're actually pretty comfortable with me.  I was out watering my plants earlier - including the planter where the feeder sits - and they'd buzz up, "zot" at me a bit (this kind actually makes noise, kind of like an electric click), and then start drinking out of the feeder.  I can even move around the patio slowly and they don't get jumpy.  I think I'll call the guard "Henry"; as I was heading outside to water, I just randomly thought, "I hope Henry doesn't get too mad at me," so I guess that's his name now.

Kai moe

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The food had been delicious, but she wasn’t really here to eat.  This, though – the shoreline, the late afternoon sun on the waves, the exotic flowers – this was a feast for the eye.  Sure, a lot of it was typical stuff she’d shot dozens of times before, but she never tired of this kind of nature.  That’s why her editor had sent her out here: she had an eye for beauty, and a knack for catching that rare perspective.
                She caught sight of movement along the shore – a slight shadow cast up from the waves: a small crab, crawling between two indentations.  Careful not to move too quickly, she raised her camera – always ready in her right hand – and zoomed in, focusing on the shelled scavenger just as it came to a small crest in the sand.
                Click.  The sound of immortality.  She glanced at the playback on the LCD and nodded to herself, then looked up without standing to see if any other surprises might lie along the shore.  Behind her, the rest of the tour group was still eating, the noise of their conversation and cutlery barely carrying over the waves crashing some ten yards in front of her.  She closed her eyes momentarily, feeling the warmth of the sun on her face compete with the slight spray of mist from the ocean.
                Opening her eyes, something made her scan to the right.  Here, the smooth shoreline was interrupted by a long finger of volcanic rock that reached out into the ocean, a remnant of some eruption long ago.  Waves and time had eroded it, breaking it in places, but as her eye followed along, it still bore up to the crashing of waves along its sides.
                But there, at the end, was something she hadn’t expected.  Someone was standing at the edge of the finger, facing out towards the sunset.  She was maybe a five hundred feet away, but, by build and stance, she suspected it was a man, young or at least young-looking, lean but muscular.  He wore no clothing that she could discern, but his skin was so tanned that a jerkin or thong could easily blend in.  He stood there, right foot slightly behind left, knee bent with right heel off the ground, arms hanging loosely at his sides.
                The sun was almost touching the horizon now, and the warm orange glow it cast bounced off of him.  She could only see him in partial profile from the left and rear, but even at this angle, he seemed to radiate with the sun.  Even his hair, whatever color it was naturally, appeared as almost a liquid gold in the reflected sunset.
                This was a moment that couldn’t be missed.  She braced herself again, legs slightly cramping from the long-held crouch, and raised her camera.  Through the telephoto lens, she could make out more details – he indeed wore nothing but some kind of white necklace.  His left eye seemed closed, and his breathing a slow, regular movement.  The stance was almost meditative, and she framed the shot – his body, the camera slightly below and shooting up even at this great distance, the barest top of the black rock, and the crashing waves – and pressed the release.
                Click.  She glanced down at the preview and saw she’d timed it perfectly – the merest traces of a crashing wave seemed to frame the body.   Out of some curiosity, she used the preview’s zoom function to enhance a portion of the shot, narrowing down on his face: high cheekbones, defined jaw, and the barest hint of a smile.  She smiled at that smile.  What it must be like, to be out on that rock.
                Her legs started to protest, and she slowly stood, still facing the man out on the finger.  She turned towards the sun to find other subjects when she heard someone behind her say, “There’s some naked dude on the rocks out there.”
                She smiled to herself, and said over her shoulder, “He’s not entirely naked.”  She did not say, “He’s wearing a necklace,” because while that made her first statement technically true, she knew it wouldn’t satisfy.  But, from this distance, no one else was likely to be able to tell anyway.
                “Oh,” came the young male voice, “cool.”  She thought that was all and started to position for a shot of the last bit of the setting sun reflected off the waves when the voice said, “I wonder what he’s doing.”
                She remembered the closed eyes, and the smile, and the relaxed stance.  As she framed a couple standing in the tide with the sun behind them, she said only one word.  “Listening.” …

                … Sensation was total.
                Through closed eyes, he saw the heat of the sun.  On bare skin, he felt the cool of the pacific, the warmth of rays, the breath of wind.  Through his feet, he felt the pounding of the waves against the rock.  From his nose came the smell of the ocean, salty and sweet.
                But the sound… that was what he sensed the most.  Standing here, a hundred feet offshore, the roar of the wind and waves engulfed him.  A reef just beyond his perch and stretching north broke the waves early in this cove, the remnants crashing into the rocks that seemed to amplify the sound and echo it back at him.  The closest he’d ever come to this sensation was standing in front of a speaker at a club in Milan and feeling the music radiate through him.  He almost felt like part of the waves, like he shattered and reformed with every roar.
                He always missed this, and he always came back to it.
                The light on the back of his eyelids changed slightly, and he opened them to see the sun crossing the horizon.  Clouds in the sky looked like streaks of fire and smoke.  He watched as it slowly sank until there was barely a sliver left.  Just as the last bit settled behind the sea, he dove head-first, timing his jump so that he entered the water in a trough between waves.  If he missed his timing, the ocean would smash him back into the rocks, but he never missed.  Almost in defiance, the next wave turned out to be a rogue, and the crash and surge shot water over the rock taller than his head had been.
                When it passed, there was no sign he’d ever been there…

                … As soon as the sun had set, she glanced back over at the finger of rock, but the man wasn’t there.  She quickly looked down the length, then down what she could see of the shoreline, but there was no sign of him.  He’d simply vanished.
                Oh well, she had her shots, including of him.  She’d combine these with some from earlier in the day and make a spread for her editor.  She capped her lens as she turned and walked back up the sand to the dining area, the rest of the guests generally heading in the same direction.
                “Get anything good?” asked one of the guides.  She looked at him and smiled.
                “Maybe.  I’ll have to see when I get back to the room.”
                He grinned slightly.  “Get a shot of guy on the rock?”
                She blushed at this, though she didn’t know why.  “Yeah, actually, and I think that one came out well.”  Then she shrugged, saying, “I couldn’t pass it up.  He looked so…”
                When she lagged, he offered, “Peaceful?”
                “Yeah.”
                He nodded and started walking towards one of the vans.  “Yeah, he always looks like that.”
                “You…” she started, then moved to catch up.  “You’ve seen him before?”
                Nodding again as he opened the sliding door on the van, he said, “Yep.  Not often; I think the last time was 6 months or so ago.  But when I do, it’s always at sunset, and always on that rock.”  He motioned his head towards the other guides.  “They’ve seen him too, same story.  It’s a bit of a ‘thing’, you know?”
                She opened the front passenger door to the van and hopped up into the seat.  She turned to him as she buckled her seat belt and asked, “Does anyone know who he is?”
                He closed her door and leaned against it, talking quietly through the open window.  “I think the staff here know.  I’ve heard them refer to someone as ‘ka mea nāna nā moe’, which means ‘the dreamer’ or ‘the visionary’.  They call the beach by those rocks ‘kai moe’, the sleeping shore.  They’ll never answer a direct question, though.”
                “Are they afraid?” she asked quietly; people were getting into the van now, and she had a sense that this was a private conversation not for their ears.
                “Not afraid, no,” he said, shaking his head.  “More like, respectful, or even proud of a secret.  I don’t know that I blame them.”  He backed away and went to shut the sliding door now that the last tourist was in.
                She leaned out and asked, “Why not?” as he passed by to walk around the front of the van to the driver’s side.
                He climbed in, put on his seat belt, and put the key in the ignition.  She figured he wouldn’t answer, but at the last minute before starting the engine, he paused, leaned towards her, and said, “Just looking at him out there makes me feel at peace.  If you knew someone who could do that, would you risk telling anyone?”
                And then he turned the key, called back to the group to hold on, and put the van in gear.  And as the wheels kicked up dust and rocks behind them, she looked in the side-view mirror and glanced the end of the finger of rock – kai moe – once more and had to admit that, no, she wouldn’t. …

[I'm not sure where this is going to go - if anywhere - but I like how it's come out so far.]

So this is Christmas

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... or near enough to it, anyway.  Finished shopping last night (yes, I always wait until the last few days).  Still haven't wrapped anything, but that will be tonight.  Tomorrow, I'm going to my parents' house early to open presents, then staying all day for dinner.  Then back again on the 26th for my step-dad's birthday.  It's the same routine, every year.  I think my mom's likely to be a little more weepy this year, since my step-dad almost didn't make it to this one.  She mostly won't let it show, of course, but it'll be there just under the surface.

"... and what have you done?"

Not much, really.  There was my step-dad's accident, and trying to keep my mother sane throughout it.  I planted a garden on my patio (much of which is still growing).  I went to the Big Island for the first (and possibly last) time.  I did some minor stuff at work.  All in all, a year without much to say for it.

I still haven't gone to the South Pacific, or to the Caribbean like I wanted.  I still haven't really figured out how to balance everything out financially yet (I swing a fair bit).  I tried dating a bit, but haven't had a second date with pretty much anyone (and pretty few first dates).  Still not in the shape I want to be in (though improving).

"Another year over..."

Typically, this time of year, I head off to Guerneville to get away for a few days.  I'm not this year; I'm not going anywhere, actually.  I'm also not telling a certain friend this, because he'll insist on going out for NYE to some restaurant or something and I really don't want to.  No, I'm saving money and vacation time and just staying in.  I'll probably wander over to the Rose Parade, since it's a couple blocks from my apartment and I've never seen it live. 

"... And a new one just begun."

I don't really do resolutions.  I don't really try to plan things out for the new year.  It just seems like so much can happen that anything more than a vague direction is setting yourself up for failure.

All that being said, I'll have slightly more vacation time (I've got basically three weeks of time-off right now), so I may try taking a longer trip or a couple of trips (I'd like to hit the caribbean, but that needs to be in spring before hurricane season starts).  I'd like to keep improving my physical condition.  I'd also like to pick up more consulting work, but that's hard to come by for a DBA and sysadmin.

Not sure if I'll go to Hawaii for my birthday this year.  I told my coworker (who actually has the same birthday, though he's a few years older) that he could take it off this year if he wants (we're actually on a Saturday).  So, we'll see what he plans, if anything.  Some of it may depend on how much I can afford.

I might need to buy a new car this year, too.  Mine's finally starting to show some signs of age, though I don't think it's going to collapse any time soon.  But it's something I need to start planning for in general.

Anyway, happy holidays to everyone out there who cares about them.

Unless we go to the stars

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A bunch of friends of mine started re-watching Babylon 5 recently, so I picked up the seasons to run through it a fifth (or 10th, or whatever; I stopped counting) time.  It's probably been 5 or 6 years since the last time I watched it.

And I got to the end of fourth episode of Season 1 - "Infection" - and had to stop for a moment.

Sinclair's being interviewed by a reporter.  Here's the exchange:

Mary Ann Cramer: Is it worth it? Should we just pull back? Forget the whole thing as a bad idea, and take care of our own problems, at home.
Sinclair: No. We have to stay here. And there's a simple reason why. Ask ten different scientists about the environment, population control, genetics, and you'll get ten different answers, but there's one thing every scientist on the planet agrees on. Whether it happens in a hundred years or a thousand years or a million years, eventually our Sun will grow cold and go out. When that happens, it won't just take us. It'll take Marilyn Monroe, and Lao-Tzu, and Einstein, and Morobuto, and Buddy Holly, and Aristophanes… and all of this… all of this… was for nothing. Unless we go to the stars.
That was first broadcast on television in 1994.  I was 16 at the time (I turned 17 a couple months later).  I had, by then, figured out that I was capable of really terrible things - and, in a way, was searching for reasons why I should or shouldn't do them.  I had a basic formulation of an idea, the initial shape of it in my mind - a kind of virtual lump of marble within which was still hidden the statue that I could only reveal by chipping away at the stone.  It took me probably 10 years to realize it - the first time I went back and re-watched the series - but this speech was, and is, a big part of what shaped that eventual reason.

It probably seems pretty grandiose to say so, but if you ever want to know my motivation for anything - literally, anything - start with this notion: that, in a few million years, our sun will die and with it everything in the solar system.  And that's only if we last that long - there's the "cosmic bullet" notion as well, some comet or x-ray beam coming our way that will wipe out all life on the planet.  If we're still here - and only here - then we'll be wiped out, and everything we've done will have been for naught.

I often use the phrase "to teach the world to save itself"; while I'm sure most people think I'm being poetic, I'm really not.  Every little step - every dollar for the homeless, every shoulder offered to cry on, every pleasant smile for a stranger, every encouragement given, every dream fulfilled - is a little step on the path towards the goal of getting us off this planet and out there into space.  On, literally, the path towards saving all known life in the universe.

Progress isn't constant; for every step forward, there's a half step back.  We only progress by averages, but we still progress.  Most of us only ever get a chance to do small things, but the small things add up: to either hold us, as a species, back or help nudge us forward if only a little.  But if "small things" are all I ever get a chance to do, I'll make them as positive as I can.

Stuff and Junk

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Major revelation time: I like guys.

Okay, so, maybe not.  But it's a problem I face a lot: I like just regular, average guys.  Not really hyper-masculine, not really feminine, not body builders or models, not even necessarily "good looking" by Hollywood standards.  Just, guys.

Like, the kind of guy everyone knows who doesn't really stand out for any reason.  Our friends in high school, our coworkers, the people we pass driving down the freeway.

It's a problem because it feels discriminatory, even if it isn't.  It's a problem because the vast majority of guys are straight (or mostly straight) and give little if any indication when they're not.  It's a problem because (apparently) not many guys are attracted to me.  It's a problem because it's really hard to find people who don't stand out, especially when your life has been pretty atypical and you're not really that type yourself.

(This revelation brought to you by the realization that most of the people I've encountered on dating sites aren't guys, which is probably why I date very rarely.  I need a new dating site.  Or to try actually going out and meeting people - horror of horrors.)

Separately, I watched a new gay movie called "Geography Club" last night; very "Get Real" in a lot of ways.  [encoded in ROT13 for spoilers]V jbhyq unir zhpu cersreerq n unccl raqvat/obl-trgf-obl guvat; V zrna, vg'f tbrf sbe gur fgnaqvat-hc-sbe-lbhefrys raqvat, juvpu vf bxnl, ohg V'q engure whfg unir n cynva byq ebznagvp raqvat.  [/encoded] Stylistically, it was okay.

Trying to decide what, if anything, to do for NYE.  As always.  Could go back to Guerneville, but I've also thought about taking Amtrak to the snow somewhere.  I suppose I could drive, too.  Maybe Kings Canyon.

Oh well.  Happy turkey day to you all.  Remember, it's the carbs that allow the tryptophan to cross the blood/brain barrier and make you sleepy, so eat all the turkey you want but keep the stuffing and mashed potatoes light.

Bartender, make it a double

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There are days when I wish I could drink.

Today is one of those days.

A friend's numerous question life decisions seem like they're finally catching up with him.  Friend is rapidly running out of options, mostly financially, and this is starting to have emergency-room-level consequences on his health.  Friend is looking at losing quite literally everything he owns in 30-60 days (happy new year).

Friend sees me as the only person who can stop this.  I've done this before, in other instances of the same situation - at least, from his perspective.  From mine, it's been totally different.  Still, I can tell he believes I can do it and that it's my duty to do it.

I can't do it.  I've damn near destroyed myself doing it before, and I had far less going on then.  I can't go through this again.  But he's also right, because if I don't, there isn't any other person who will.  If I don't do it, and he doesn't get really lucky really fast (which isn't likely), he's SOL.

This is complicated by a lot of factors.  I've had a lot go right in my life - and some decently horrendous wrong, to be fair, but by and large most people would be envious.  A lot of that "going right" can be tied back to various levels of privilege and some simple luck.  Friend has had a lot go wrong in his life, especially since I've known him, and that places a social burden on me to try and even the score, as it were.

At the same time, though, friend has had a whole lot of opportunities and has generally botched most of them - at least a few times because he was trying to game the system and get even more.  Friend has a sense of entitlement that rivals any political aristocracy: he feels, quite literally, that the world owes him success and comfort simply because he's "brilliant".  He's never had a "real" job, so he has no unemployment or social security coming - he flat-out refuses to acknowledge that "self-employment taxes" (the SDI and SSI you pay when self-employed) exist and so has never paid anything towards them.  I'm not even sure if he could qualify for state supplemental, because he's been getting paid under the table for years and they might discover that (anyone who can do a little math would discover it).

So I'm caught between several feelings: angry that he's in this situation, frustrated with him for trying to put it all on me, duty-bound to help him, really annoyed for feeling like I'm duty-bound to risk everything to help him...

And now, the stress from all this has resulted in him ending up in the emergency room.

Like I said, I need a drink.  Because tomorrow he's going to ask, and I'm going to say no, and it's going to be ugly, but that's the only answer I can give.

He reminds me of Guildenstern: "We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered."  But I will not play Rosencrantz.  I know better this time.

Through a glass darkly

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I had my eyes dilated as part of an eye exam a few days ago.  After using the "bar light" to examine my retina, the doctor pulled back and immediately said, "Alright, you're ready to go."

As I tried to blink away the massive green blobs that now obscured my vision, I muttered, "Says you..."

She laughed.

It's been probably 6 or 7 years since I've had my eyes checked; as I've got vision coverage at my current job, I've been thinking about getting new glasses for a while.  I finally scheduled the appointment and went in last week.

I don't really need glasses - a fact that was reinforced by this exam.  I'm technically nearsighted, but my correction in both eyes is -0.25 diopters - quite literally the smallest prescription that can be done.  I've also got a very slight astigmatism in my left eye - again, -0.25 at 13 degrees.  In fact, my new prescription is weaker than my last one.

My reading vision is awesome: 20/16 unaided (that's 16 point font at 20 feet, whereas 20/20 is 20 point font at 20 feet).

However, I'm really sensitive to light.  As soon as I sat down in the chair, she looked at me, said, "You're really sensitive to light, aren't you?" and flipped off the overhead lights.

"Yes, actually," I replied.  "What's wrong with my eyes that you can tell that so easily?"

"Oh, nothing's wrong.  You just have really light irises.  Well, they're dark on the outside, but they get very pale as they move inward."

As such, sunglasses are really important to me.  In fact, even the "night-time glasses" I got for driving will be photochromatic and react to headlights and such.  I'll also use them for computer use: most of the time, I sit far enough away from my monitor that reading the screen no longer counts as "reading distance" (at home, I'm about 2.5 feet from the screen) and the anti-glare and tinting can help reduce strain.

I should have them in a week or two.  I might take pictures of both and post 'em.

Step right up

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I get really tired of "selling".

Okay, I'm not really in sales, but I sort of am.  I work on a project that requires others to be actively engaged in order to increase adoption.  Right now, we've got about 10% coverage of the institution; for a variety of regulatory reasons, we need to have 100% adoption by the end of 2015 or so.

There are a lot of problems.  One is that we really don't have the staff (on my department's side) to handle a 10-fold increase in the traffic my project generates.  Of course, if we can't show the immediate need for more staff, we won't get it, so we have to push ourselves beyond what we can realistically handle and hope someone decides we're worthy of additional support.

Another problem is the aforementioned engagement: rolling out this project to any new area involves some minor-but-not-zero annoyance and extra work for some already-heavily-worked staff.  It also requires higher-up decision-makers who aren't used to being told what to do to follow our procedures for certain things.  Now, they're the ones who will be hit with the regulatory fines and such, so we have some leverage there, but the carrot is always preferable to the stick.

The net result is that, at least for as long as I've been here, every time I get asked to do a presentation my management "forces" me to turn it into something of a "sales" presentation - who we are (in repetitive detail), why we're awesome, etc.

I understand the reasoning.  I don't even necessarily disagree with it.  I just hate doing it.

The fundamental aspect of sales is convincing people to do something they aren't necessarily inclined to do (otherwise there's no salesmanship needed).  It is, in its distilled form, a kind of manipulation.  That's what bothers me: I have spent a lot of time telling myself, over and over, that manipulation is bad and not something I should be doing.  As someone who is borderline sociopathic, it's really important that I do what I can do internalize this message; the consequences otherwise can be ugly.

And yet, here I am in a situation where I have to relax that inhibition.  The problem isn't that I'm bad at sales (read: manipulation); the problem is that it comes all too naturally to me.  So I end up being really good at doing something that makes me feel really sleazy and very nervous.  And getting cheered and congratulated for activities that feel immoral.

Written for friends

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"One for the road?" she asks me,
A sad-sweet smile on her face.
And as I turn to her to reply,
It all seems so out of place.
Here there were dreams that were spoken;
Here there were tales that were spun:
An ocean of tears that were shed here,
A mountain of deeds that were done.
Friendships were made out of strangers,
And causes were wrought out of strife,
The good and the bad and the indifferent:
All of the flavors of life.
But nothing is ever forever,
And eventually time wounds all heals,
The judgment of aeons is final,
And the magistrate hears no appeals.
For those who now gather belongings
And prepare to journey away
Are not who they were when they entered
Through the very same doors yesterday:
Changed for the worse or the better,
But changed they are none-the-less,
And while we differ differently,
We're linked by that differentness.
... The lights are turned up to their brightest
And the trash and debris can be seen
Gathering up in the corners
And strewn all about the scene.
The staff have begun their duties
Putting the place to rest,
They've changed as much as the patrons,
And I know they're doing their best
But closing is different from closure
And the bartender's sad-sweet smile
Begs one last moment of sucrease
To put off the end for a while.
So I sit back down on my stool
And say as she turns to the shelf.
"One for the memories instead, please.
The road can manage for itself."